Le Chrysalis

The disturbing reason why a growing number of parents are being falsely accused of shaking their babies to death

2011-12-23T13:17:00.001-05:00

Mary shared this with me this am, and feel that this is something we should put up. This is information that every woman needs, along with every family out there with small children. I know of a few cases that this actually brings information into question myself, and feel that this information needs to be spread. In a world where more and more are insuring the welfare of our children and that they are not abused, information like this also needs to be out there and to insure that parents aren’t put through a living hell when their child dies or is injured by something such as rickets…

Standing together in the dock of the world’s most famous criminal court stood two confused and sobbing parents, accused of the worst offence imaginable: beating and shaking their own baby to death.

According to prosecutors, four-month-old Jayden Wray was gripped and twisted so brutally that bones throughout his body shattered, while vicious blows to his head damaged his brain.

The injured baby was rushed to hospital where doctors said he could not survive. Three days later, paediatricians at Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital in London switched off his life-support machine.

Riddled by ricketts: Jayden Wray's parents were cleared of causing his death after doctors had failed to diagnose the serious childhood bone disease

So certain were doctors and police that Jayden had been hurt by his parents that the couple were barred from their son’s bedside before he died.

They were not allowed to attend his hospital christening and lost the chance to say their last goodbyes.

This horrific story unfolded over six weeks in a panelled courtroom of London’s Old Bailey. Yet today, Jayden’s father and mother — Rohan, 22, and 19-year-old Chana — are free. The case against them was thrown out ten days ago after 60 medical and forensic experts at their murder trial disagreed over what really killed their son.

Finally, the judge told the jury to find the couple not guilty because Jayden’s post-mortem revealed he had rickets, a serious childhood bone disease which had once been eradicated in this country nearly a century ago.

Rickets is linked to a lack of vitamin D, which the body synthesises from sunlight or absorbs from eating foods such as oily fish and eggs.

The disease causes the skulls of children to weaken and their bones to easily break — symptoms which closely mimic those of a deliberately shaken baby.

Rohan and Chana were found not guilty of murdering their baby Jayden Wray, and it was discovered he had ricketts

Hospital doctors in Jayden’s case, it transpired, had missed a vital clue when the baby got sick and then died: his mother, Chana, had so little vitamin D in her body that Jayden did not receive the vitamin while inside her womb or when she breastfed him.

After the case, the Wrays’ lawyer Jenny Wiltshire said: ‘These parents have been through hell. They can now grieve for the son they loved and cherished.’

Yet theirs is a case which has profound implications for all families. For it serves to highlight a growing medical problem — one which is not only leading to false allegations of abuse against innocent parents, but which is endangering the health of children right across Britain.

As Jenny Wiltshire said: ‘The real criminality here is that if the money spent on bringing this case had been used to tell all breastfeeding mothers to take vitamin D supplements, Jayden’s death wouldn’t have occurred.

‘Rickets, which is now back to epidemic proportions, would have been wiped out.’

Chana gave birth to Jayden when she was 16

Indeed, a growing number of experts believe that Britain is in the grip of a childhood rickets crisis on a scale not seen since Victorian times, when children working long hours in the factories and the mines were particularly vulnerable to the ailment.

The condition was largely eliminated after World War II, when the government provided free orange juice enriched with vitamin D and cod liver oil for every child in the country.

The difference today is that it is not only a disease of the poor. Those living in middle-class homes are just as likely to suffer from the condition — notorious for causing bowed legs and knock-knees — as those from the poorest inner-city estates.

Doctors at Southampton General Hospital recently found 40 per cent of children from all backgrounds being treated in the orthopaedic department had a shortage of vitamin D in their bodies — and were, therefore, prone to rickets.

The crisis, said orthopaedic consultant Nicholas Clarke, was ‘reminiscent of 17th-century England.’

The statistics speak for themselves: cases of childhood rickets have increased five-fold in 15 years.

Last year, more than 760 babies and youngsters were admitted to hospital showing signs of the condition. At the same time, recent research among primary care trusts found that the number of children under ten admitted to hospital with rickets leapt by 140 per cent between 2001 and 2009.

Doctors say the alarming rise is often due to today’s children spending large periods of time indoors playing computer games and watching television.

At the same time, many parents worry about exposing their children to sunlight — due to the repeated warnings about skin cancer — and cover them in high-protection creams, which impede the body’s ability to produce vitamin D and, in turn, to grow strong bones.

See the light: A lack of sunlight can lead to the development of ricketts in children

If children are deprived of the vitamin, they are at great risk of developing rickets and their immune system is weakened. A diet of junk food, instead of vitamin D‑rich meat, liver, eggs and oily fish, is also blamed for the crisis.

As Gillian Killiner, of the British Dietetic Association, said recently: ‘We have taken it for granted that skin cancer is the big problem and overlooked the vitamin D side of things.

‘Children are covered up with sunblock, T-shirts and hats, and that can be important — but it can go too far. We don’t have a lot of sun in this country, and in winter you are likely to be lacking vitamin D. If you haven’t built up enough in the summer, that’s going to be a certainty.’

But until now, few have pointed out one of the most worrying aspects of the crisis: babies with a vitamin D deficiency display remarkably similar symptoms to those who have been deliberately shaken by their parents or carers. This may have led to other controversial criminal trials of parents accused of harming their children when — like the Wrays — they were completely innocent.

Stuck indoors: Children should be encouraged to put the games consoles away and get outside (posed by model)

Earlier this year, Nafisa and Mohammed Karolia, of Blackburn, Lancashire, were imprisoned for child cruelty despite their defence team arguing that vitamin D depletion led to their baby daughter’s injuries and subsequent death from broncho-pneumonia, aged seven months, in 2009.

The Karolias were accused of inflicting many terrible injuries on the child, including breaking her leg, her arm, and her rib. The police and prosecution lawyers said they had been caused by twisting, shaking and rotating the child’s limbs.

However, a very senior paediatric consultant who has examined evidence given at the trial has told the Mail: ‘It is very likely that there was an issue here with low levels of vitamin D in the mother and her daughter. But it appears that when it was mentioned in court, the prosecution nearly had a fit because they insisted this child had been shaken and abused.’

Now one coroner has become so alarmed by the rise of rickets that he has demanded the Government take action.

North London Coroner Andrew Walker sent a written notice to the Department of Health, under Rule 43 of the Coroner’s Rules, saying mothers must be warned of the dangers of not taking the vitamin D supplements.

The notice requires the Health Secretary Andrew Lansley to respond within 56 days, detailing what action his department plans to take.

Mr Walker acted after presiding over the inquest into the death of three-month-old Milind Agarwal. The baby was taken to the doctor this summer with a suspected viral infection and was sent home with saline nasal drops. A later call to another doctor by his parents resulted in them being told to give him paracetamol.

When Milind became critically ill at 10pm one evening in July this year, his parents called an ambulance and he was taken to Northwick Park Hospital in North London. A few hours later, he died of septic inflammation of the heart and associated problems.

An eminent paediatric pathologist and a leading authority on signs of child abuse, Dr Irene Scheimberg, who conducted a post-mortem examination on baby Milind, told the inquest that vitamin D deficiency may have accelerated the baby’s illness because his immune system was weakened.

Sad: Jayden Wray died at Great Ormond Street - Sue Reid is urging for ricketts in children to be more closely monitored

She said afterwards: ‘In the 21st century, in a civilised country, this is outrageous. It is only the tip of the iceberg.’

The highly respected Dr Scheimberg, based at the Royal London Hospital, added: ‘I hope that the doctors treating sick children now open their eyes to this vitamin deficiency and the problems it causes. It is a really serious issue and a matter of justice for parents who are accused of abusing their children.’

The parents of Milind, who live in Wembley, London, agreed to talk to the Mail about what happened. They do not want their real first names used in this article to protect their family’s privacy. Both parents, whom we have called Gayen and Shrina, were born in India.

Research has shown that those with darker complexions process vitamin D from sunlight much more slowly than people with paler skin
and are, therefore, prone to deficiency — and more likely to pass it on to their babies.

When I met the bereaved couple this week at their small flat, they were still raw with grief about their baby’s death. He was born in March, a wonderful first son.

A slight muscle weakness in his heart, discovered soon after his birth, was corrected with a simple procedure, and in June, Milind was given a clean bill of health.

‘We are talking about him now because it is important for other families,’ says Gayen, a computer engineer, aged 34.

‘We had no idea that the legacy of Milind would be to help spread the word that vitamin D is essential for all mothers and their babies.’
Gayen and Shrina sit on the sofa in their neat sitting room. On one shelf are the cuddly toys that lay in the cot beside Milind during his short life.

Jayden had obvious signs of ricketts. It would have left the baby with weak bones, including a weak skull

They show me his picture, a bright-eyed and smiling child looking straight at the camera. Then they remember his last hours with tears in their eyes.
Says Gayen: ‘He had had a cold, but was sleeping well on the night he died. It was very sudden when he became so ill.

‘Now we know from the coroner that he had an infection, and that the lack of vitamin D in his body meant he could not fight it properly.’

By tragic coincidence, Shrina, 29, had been told she had a vitamin D deficiency two years before Milind was born. She had a pain in her right knee and her local GP put her on vitamin D tablets. However, as she explains: ‘I had stopped taking them well before I became pregnant. No one, including the GP, the midwife or doctors at Northwick Park Hospital, ever told me to take the pills while I was pregnant or my new son would be in danger.’

Since Milind’s death, she has revisited her GP and had blood tests. They show that she has very low levels of the crucial vitamin.
‘I am now taking pills all the time and trying to get out in the sunshine,’ she explains.

By coincidence, the child pathologist Dr Scheimberg, who unravelled the truth about Milind’s death, also helped clear the parents of Jayden Wray.

The prosecution insisted that Jayden’s injuries to his skull, knee, elbow, shoulder, hip, ankle and wrist could only have been caused by him being intentionally shaken and having his head hit against something hard.

However, a post-mortem examination by Dr Scheimberg discovered Jayden’s ‘obvious sign of rickets. It would have left the baby with weak bones, including a weak skull, and led to a series of fractures’.

She is appalled at the way that these innocent parents have been treated.
‘Some people should be hanging their heads,’ she said.

‘These young parents were stopped from even saying goodbye to their child before he died, and then accused of murdering him.’

One can only hope that their cases will lead to a growing realisation among all parents — and some in the medical profession — about the return of a condition that can be prevented by a simple pill or exposure to sunshine.

Life Skills: Finding a Place to Live

2011-12-20T14:09:00.000-05:00

One of the basic things each person has to do after leaving an abusive situation is find a safe place to live. To some this may seem like a very simple thing to do, while to others it is the cause of a lot of stress. Some people have never had to look for housing by themselves and do not know where to start. If you have never had to do this, you may not even realize that there are deposits and things that will require money up front, and various other things that you need to be aware of.

If you have the money and are planning to just buy a house, do your research first. Don’t get caught into a mortgage that you will not be able to afford later on. If you have never bought a house before, talk to friends, family, and co-workers that have bought houses and ask for advice. Whether buying or renting the following may help you some, but is in no way a complete explanation as to what you may need to do.

Start at the beginning, where to look? Look in newspapers, internet, and local realty companies, and ask people you know if they know anyone that has a place for rent. Some apartment complexes and reality companies advertise in papers and some do not, so get out the phone book and just call each one listed and see if they having anything available in your size and price range.

It is a good idea to always view the place before signing any paperwork. While there check that all the light switches work, the faucets all work, drains are working and make sure the toilets flush without problems. I realize that some of this seems elementary but it is amazing what we forget when stressed and if you are looking for your very first place on your own while also dealing with the other stresses of just leaving an abusive situation you may over look things that will only cause further stress in the future.

Depending on what area of the country you live in you may need to check inside the closets and cabinets to make sure there isn’t a mold or termite problem. Look for obvious signs of water damage that may have been caused by a leaking roof or window. You do not want to end up living somewhere that may end up making you regret leaving the abuse.

One thing most of us almost always forget to check for is working smoke/fire detectors, and if there is more than one way into and out of the dwelling in case of an emergency. Along those lines if there is an alarm type system in the place ask how much it costs to turn it on and what the monthly payments would be. Some alarm companies will make you sign a term of service agreement where you will have to pay for a certain term even if you move. So make sure you know all of that before getting the alarm system turned on in your name.

Ask what the landlord’s rules are concerning sizes and types of pets allowed, and if they require a pet deposit, if you plan to have pets or already do. Some apartment complexes do not allow children either, so if you have kids make sure you aren’t trying to move into one of that doesn’t allow children.

Some income brackets qualify for housing assistance; ask the organization that you are working with what programs are available in your area and how to find out if you qualify. If you do not qualify or there are no programs in your area it is important that you understand that some realty companies and apartment complexes are going to ask for past rental history and may even check your credit report. In both of those cases if you think there is anything on either of those that would keep them from renting to you, explain briefly what your situation is. Some will go ahead and check anyway but will work something out with you. It never hurts to try!

Life Skills: Deposit and Turning on Utilities

2011-12-16T14:01:00.000-05:00

Many rentals require you to pay some sort of deposit before moving in. Usually this is a security deposit plus first months rent, or a first and last months rent or some combination. If you are planning to rent from an individual you may want to ask them if they could waive the deposits, and let you pay a little extra each month to start with until you have paid off the deposit. For example: The required deposit is $500 plus the first months rent which is also $500. Ask if you can give only $500 to start with and then pay $600 for the next five months to pay the deposit. After those five months you would then only pay the original rent price of $500.

If you have to put the utilities in your name you may be required to pay deposits to hook them up. Try to find this out before signing any rental agreements. You can ask the person you will be renting from which companies cover that area and then call them to see what your deposits, if any, will be. Some companies have flat deposits, some base it on your past utility history, and some base it on your credit report. Some utility companies will hold that deposit the whole time you have the account and some will return your deposit after a certain time frame of on-time payments.

Life Skills: Furnishing on a Budget

2011-12-15T13:58:00.000-05:00

There are many items that you can buy used or get for free that can make your new home very comforting, inviting and practical. Almost all furniture, dishes and appliances can be obtained for little or no money if you know where to look.

Freecycle™ is a great place to start for most of those things. If you have a little time and patience you can find someone that needs to get rid of something you need. Go on the internet (use a library terminal if you don’t have computer or internet at home) to http://www.freecycle.org/ from that main page you can look up your area and see if there is a Freecycle™ group near you, and learn more about it. Most Freecycle™ groups are yahoo based groups where people post things they want to give away, and others post things they need/want. Most groups will not allow you to ask for something in the first two weeks of being a member or until you have posted offering something. However, if you email the moderators privately and explain that you are a victim of Domestic Violence and you are starting over and need some things they may let you go ahead and post requesting items.

There are other resources similar to Freecycle™ on the internet it just takes some looking around.
Craig’s List (http://www.craigslist.org/about/cities.html) and
Cheap Cycle (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Cheapcycle_Groups/), both allow people to sell items, but cheaper than it would be new.

Other places to search for affordable furnishings are: Salvation Army, Good Will, and local thrift stores. Most items found at these places are usually in decent shape. Most Domestic Violence Shelters run a thrift store, so if you have trouble finding your local thrift store ask the DV Shelter for assistance. Looking in the local classifieds can also prove to be useful.

Google Reader

2011-12-14T17:21:00.001-05:00

Someone asked a couple weeks ago how to keep up with all the blogs they read and not spend ALL day doing so. My answer to that, in short, is use Google Reader.

If you are not familiar with Google Reader you should look into it. Basically it is a feed reader like most others, but for me I’ve found it easier to use; and well since it is Google and I love Google stuff it just works for me. Google Reader can also be used on most smart phones, which is another plus as far as I am concerned!

A feed reader is simply a tool for gathering all the feeds from everywhere for you, and putting them all in one place so you don’t have to go get them each time an update is made. So rather than actually visiting 70 blogs each morning to see if anyone made a new post since yesterday, you can just go to Google Reader and see what is new since you last checked.

To subscribe to a feed in Reader:

Click the Add Subscription link in your left-hand sidebar.
Enter the URL of the blog or site you'd like to subscribe to.

Most blogs have feed autodiscovery enabled, meaning the site will automatically tell Reader where to find a blog's feed. If this doesn't work, you'll have to add the URL of a site's feed directly. Find the RSS logo on the site in question, click it, and copy and paste the link into the 'add subscription' box. If you can't find an RSS logo on the site, the site may not offer RSS feeds.

(The above text in italics is copied straight from the help section)

Blogger blogs that you follow (subscribe to) are automatically fed into your Google Reader.

When you have new items to view there will be a number in () beside the word Home, likewise in your list of feeds (that will be below the above section) each feed will show a number if there has been any updated content since your last visit.

You can have Google News and/or Alerts dumped into your Google Reader as well, which will help keep your email uncluttered.

Some blogs have their settings to where you can view the entire post in Google Reader without visiting the blog itself. Others set it so that feed readers only show a snippet of the article or the first paragraph and then you would have to click from there to the blog in order to read the whole post.

As a side note here, I’d like to point out that once you visit a blog or site that you add to Google Reader, your IP address is not recorded each time you view the new content in the future. AS LONG AS you do not return to the original site and ONLY read it in Google Reader.

I hope that this overview has given you enough information and links to get you going, but if not... feel free to ask me if you have any questions; I will be happy to walk you through it and help you get set up!

Using Gmail

2011-12-14T17:15:00.001-05:00

I personally do not understand how anyone that receives more than five emails per day can use any email service other than GMail. Especially if you are a member of any email based groups that produces email from several people, filtered through the group and into your email inbox.

This post is just a quick overview of GMail and is in no way intended to cover every function and/or feature.

First let’s take a look at price...it’s free...NEXT! Because it is free and takes only a few minutes to set, I encourage everyone to start a gmail account and play with the different settings and features. If you end up not liking it then delete it.

The one thing I love about gmail is the way it threads messages. No more flat inbox. If you and someone else are having a back and forth conversation via email all of those messages with the same subject line are together in your inbox, not scattered all over the place based on the time they were sent. This feature is extremely helpful for group emails where several people may respond to the same email. There will be one line in your inbox (or folder you filter messages into) with the subject line for that conversation, when you click that you will then see all the responses and replies stacked together in chronological order.

The filtering and folders play an important role in saving time checking email. I am a member of several Yahoo Groups and have all messages from all those groups sent to my inbox...what a nightmare. I set up folders for each group and filtered the messages into the corresponding folders. Now when I am rushed for time I can scan my inbox for new email without wading through all the group emails that may or may not actually apply to me. I can save those for later when I have time.

I suggest that you set filters into folders to skip the Inbox and go only to the designated folder. When there is a new message sent to that folder there will be a number beside the folder name indicating there are new messages and how many that are still unread. This will keep your actual Inbox from becoming cluttered. I filter everything, newsletters, email from friends and family, special interest emails, etc etc; not just group emails.

Not only does filtering keep my Inbox uncluttered it also makes searching for information I need a whole lot easier for me.

The next thing I think you should look at and set up is the Priority Inbox. This is a somewhat new feature. Read a How-To on this feature. I can say that so far, I love it!

The next thing you should look at is the Labs section in the Settings. There are tons of ways to customize GMail, so that it works for you the way that you want it to. Just because one person may think certain things are useful, another may not; so play with this stuff, try it out, see what actually works for you.
With GMail you can IM, Voice and Video Chat and now send SMS text messages and make phone calls all from inside your GMail tab. Gotta love that.

The overall reason I use GMail is that once I got it configured the way that works for me, have my filters set and all that... I can go through 100’s of emails in less than an hour. Not every email that I get requires an answer from me, so I can sort those out quickly; delete what needs to go, file those that may need attention later into a folder and then just move on.

If you have any questions please feel free to ask, I have been using GMail for several years and know my way around and if I don’t know the answer to your specific question right away I will find it for you.

Mobile Tweeting, Give It a Try

2011-12-14T17:10:00.001-05:00

Let’s talk about Twitter for a bit. I touched on the very basics of Twitter in a previous post, Twitter Crash Course; however there is a little more that I’d like to discuss about it. Twitter is about socializing online and with many people at once. It is known as a social network. You make friends by following people and they follow you back and all that. The main point is to engage others in conversation or thought.

Many people have joined twitter only to share information with others and will rarely engage in a conversation. I have done this at times while away from the internet or short on time. I only post links to things and do not have the time to follow up on any conversations those links may have sparked. While that is ok in a sense, it is not a good idea to only use Twitter in that way.

Did you know that you can receive tweets to your cell phone like a text message? Did you also know that you can send tweets from your phone just like sending a text message? If not, you can. First of all, make sure that you have a text messaging package on your phone that will accommodate your tweeting activities without costing you an arm and a leg! Even if you choose to not receive tweets to your phone you can still send them, just text your tweet to 40404. It is easier to set that up while at the computer but is possible to do from your phone, just send your first tweet to that number and it will walk you through the rest.

If you have a smart phone...well you can either use the texting method or you can find an app that is compatible to your device and take your mobile tweeting to a whole new level. (Hootsuite mobile app allows you to have multiple accounts logged in even!) There are way too many different mobile apps for Twitter for me to even think of going into how to use them all. If you are using a mobile app you can always find a FAQ section on the site you downloaded the app from to help you get started.

If you choose to use the texting method of tweeting on the go, just log into your Twitter account and in the upper right portion click on Settings, then click Mobile. This is where you can turn mobile tweets on and off, as well as see a list of texting commands that you can set from your phone. You can also set individual people to get their tweets via text or not. If you have more than a handful of people you follow you will more than likely want to choose those you interact with most, rather than choosing your entire list of people you follow. If you get stuck on how to do this you can always go back to Settings and Mobile and read down the right hand side to review how to turn mobile tweets on and off.

Now that you know that you can tweet from your phone and how to do so let’s talk about why you would want to. No one really wants to know what you are eating through out the day unless it is really rare or scrumptious. However, what you eat can start conversations. So, if what you are eating is interesting to you or you want to engage others in a conversation about food or something along those lines...by all means tweet it!

Tweeting while you are out and about brings a new level to the conversations that you can start and participate in via Twitter. Rather than just sitting at your computer relaying links back and forth you can actually talk to others about activities that you are taking part in. If you see a beautiful sunrise or sunset maybe describe it and ask others to share what they are seeing at that time. Or better yet...take a picture of it and send it to something like Twitpic so that everyone can share in what you are seeing. Or even take a video using Qik (or one of the others) and share the video through Twitter. Using Twitpic and Qik are up to you, those are just the ones that I use, but there are many others out there that you can find and use.

Just be safety conscious while sending tweets, pictures or videos to Twitter (or anywhere else for that matter). If you do not want to divulge your real location or identity then don’t take pictures of yourself or anything that will positively identify your or your location. Another thing to check on is the geo-tagging of pictures from your device. This can give away your location as well.

So go out...have fun...tweet about it...start a conversation...ENGAGE!

Twitter Crash Course

2011-12-14T17:03:00.001-05:00

I wanted to go ahead and get this Twitter thing out of the way before I really get into the blogging stuff (tomorrow I will post more on blogging anonymously). There are still a lot of people that are not using twitter, and most of the reasons that I have heard are because they have nothing they want to share that publicly and that much. This is completely understandable, actually if it weren’t for my advocacy, awareness and coaching I would not have joined in the twitter craze. However, now that I am on there I do use it for some minor personal stuff.

Twitter is a great way to get into social networking; especially for abuse survivors. I say this because you can make an account that has nothing to do with your real name and you can begin to connect to others that are abuse survivors as well. This helps to build communications and lets you know that you are not alone in this. It also can help with trust issues that we all face once we are away from the trauma and abuse. You can begin, even on a surface level, to communicate back and forth with others without having to even know who they are and without them knowing who you are.

I would also suggest that when you join twitter...don’t just follow people that talk about nothing but abuse, violence, trauma, etc. It is harder (if not impossible) to heal if all you take in everyday is more stories about abuse. If you have a hobby do a search for others that share that same hobby. I follow people that tweet about crochet and reading; I also follow those that tweet about different healing techniques such as Reiki, tapping, Yoga, meditation, Law of Attraction, etc. So, be diverse and follow many people, it is actually more fun that way!

The rest of this post is for those that are new to twitter. There are things that may have you scratching your head in confusion and you aren’t even sure where to look to figure it out. I’m going to start with the symbols used within the messages and what they mean and how to use them; as this seems to be the one thing that most people give up using twitter because of.

@ -- this is the symbol you use directly in front of a profile name to reply to someone specifically (ie @TLCoaching), everyone else can read this tweet. The reason you use this is to get the other person’s attention. All of your mentions (@’s) are on one page or depending on which twitter client you use they are in one column, that way you can see who specifically has said something to you. You can also use this to mention, recommend, or give credit to another twitterer. Using the @ in front of a profile name creates a link to that profile that is clickable.
# -- this is called the hashtag and by putting this symbol in front of a word you create a hashtag that is searchable (#domesticviolence). Do not use spaces in hastags, if you do only the first word is picked up. If you make up an abbreviation to use as a hashtag, send out a tweet explaining it, so that your followers will know what it means. Using the # in front of words makes a link to the search page that is clickable.
d -- you use the letter d in front of a profile name to send a direct message to someone that no one but that person sees. (d TLCoaching). There is a space after the ‘d’.
RT -- this means re-tweet, you use this when you are copying exactly what someone else tweeted (RT @TLCoaching). You still use the @ in front of the profile name because that gives a link to the person who sent it. This is a polite thing to do, you will upset people if you constantly forward their tweets without giving them the credit.

Other things to keep in mind:

When you send a tweet that you want to have re-tweeted make it short enough so others CAN re-tweet it. If they have to work too hard in shortening it themselves many won’t.
If you send something that you want others to pass on just add a (PLS RT) to the beginning or end, don’t be shy about asking people to pass it on, they will.
If you want to RT something that has been RT’d several times and all the profiles are taking up the 140 characters; delete them all except the original person who sent it (this should be the profile name closest to the message). If you have room then you could also leave on the person that you are following that passed it on so that you saw it.
Texting slang/shortcuts are helpful but do confuse people sometimes. Make sure you are using widely known shortcuts to cut down on confusion. If you need to figure out what a certain abbreviation or slang term is a good place to look is Internet Slang Dictionary & Translator or Netlingo.

That’s about it! There are other things that you will figure out as you go along! If you have questions either ask on twitter (others will help you along) or post your comments and questions here and I will help you if I can.

Blogging Anonymously

2011-12-14T17:01:00.001-05:00

Many of us want to speak out, tell our stories, share our experiences and help others by telling things as they are. However, for safety reasons many are concerned or even scared to do so, and with good reason. A person who still has a protective order against their abuser because of past violence and threats made can’t exactly feel (or be) safe blabbing everything that happened to them all over the internet. Those that were abused as children and now still talk to the same people that abused them; may be reluctant to talk about what happened.

There are ways that you can still share your story; not only to help others but as a stepping stone in your own healing process. Many people make up online personalities to use for social networking and blogging. No one says that you have to use your real name, your actual location or anything personal. If you go the route of making up an online personality to blog and join social networking sites with make sure you do not give yourself away (for those that you wish to remain anonymous).

Here are a few of the most common mistakes that I have seen where someone with a made up screen name has ‘outted’ themselves:

If you don’t want someone you know in real life to find your new online identity, don’t tell anyone in real life about your identity. Things have a habit of spreading to the people you don’t want them to.
Don’t use the same email account for everything. When you make up an online personality give it its own email account. Use a free email provider, don’t make a new account with your home internet provider. Don’t link this new made up account with your old accounts at all.
Don’t post/use real pictures of you, your family, your pets, etc.
If you promote your new blog or profile from your real profile say something like “I just found this blog/person” or “Reading this interesting post” or something along those lines. If someone asks you if that is really you, well then you must decide if you tell them or not.
Don’t use the real names of anyone you may be talking about on your blog or profile. Many people will use just the first initial of everyone, but if someone that knows you and those people read what you have written it isn’t hard to put initials and details together.
Use a different location than where you are and a different time zone. Usually you can adjust these in the settings area of many blogs and profiles.
Don’t use a made up name that has any meaning to you or that could make someone think of you. If your favorite animal is tigers, lets say, then don’t make your username tiger something. If you prefer to use a real sounding name don’t use something like your middle name and your grandma’s last name, others can figure that out. Make up something that is totally not you. If you want a real sounding new identity try this site: http://www.fakenamegenerator.com/gen-female-us-us.php

There are many many other things that I’m sure could be added to the list above. If you have something to add please leave it in a comment on this post!

I have had the discussion with others about whether it is ‘right’ to use a fake identity to tell your ‘truth’. My opinion on that is that if it is keeping a person safe (and safety is the primary factor in my mind) and helping them and others at the same time...then sure why not use a fake identity online.

To Blog or Not to Blog, That is the Question...

2011-12-14T16:58:00.000-05:00

If you are like several people that I know and have worked with you feel like you want to start telling everyone about the abuse that you have endured. Some decide to do that from the awareness stance, some decide to go into prevention work, and others decide to just tell their own stories and encourage others to heal through knowing they aren't alone. Regardless of your reason for wanting to speak out, you are now faced with the question of: How do I do this safely and What is the best way for me to reach others? Is blogging really for me?; is another question that many think about when trying to decide to start a blog or not.

Do you like to write? Do you keep a journal and feel that you would like to share parts of it with others to help them in their healing? Whether or not you have good spelling, grammar or typing skills should not matter in your decision to start blogging.

Perhaps you are not ready to start blogging or just the thought of it is giving you anxiety attacks...for various reasons. You could also consider micro-blogging through a service such as twitter.com or using the notes and/or status section of a facebook.com profile to get started with.

There are so many different platforms out there for blogging that it would be impossible for me to cover every one of them. I personally like blogger.com the best for those that are new to blogging. I recommend jigsy.com for those that want a website and blog meshed together. I have used wordpress.com and personally I don't like it simply because I can not customize and tweak things the way I can with blogger and viviti.

Before you begin blogging or micro-blogging you need to think about whether or not you will be in danger if your abuser finds out that you are telling the world what they have done to you. The great thing about the internet is that you can speak out with out identifying yourself or putting yourself in danger.

Another thing to think about before you use your real name...do you have kids? Do they already know everything you plan to blog about (including details you may include at times)? If you have kids and would rather they NOT read everything you plan to blog, then you may also want to use a fake name.

If you need to remain anonymous yet would like to have a real sounding name so that your readers will take you seriously; visit this website: http://www.fakenamegenerator.com/gen-female-us-us.php to generate an entirely random name and location to use.

One thing to keep in mind is this: If you don't want to write or blog and someone else is telling you that you should...then you should think about whether or not to even start a blog. If you aren't ready to write about what has happened, well then you are not ready; period. Although many are helped greatly in their healing process through writing, there are those that are not helped at all. There are even some of us that fear writing when we first start thinking about it, after what we have been through.

So, if you don't want to do it, then don't; and do not let anyone try to force you into it. (Unless of course it is a medical professional; which I am not....then you may want to at least discuss it with them)

If you have any questions about this or how to get started please leave a comment!

Go Empower Yourself!

DV Hotline Numbers by Country

2011-12-14T15:48:00.001-05:00

We have done our best to provide accurate information here, but we can not contact each place to verify the type of help they give or if the numbers are still active. If you have further information that can be posted here please use the comment section below to give that information, thanks!

Afghanistan: Afghanistan Independent Human Rights Commission +93 (0)20 2500676

Australia: Lifeline 1800200526 (24 hour helpline)

Brazil: 80 for help with Domestic Violence (24 hours) - Women's helpline

Canada: Assaulted Women's Helpline (Ontario, Canada) 1-866-863-0511 (can accept calls from outside Ontario), Sexual Assault Centre Edmonton 780-423-4121 TTY line 780-420-1482 (24 hour crisis line), Vancouver Rape Relief and Women's Shelter 604.872.8212

Egypt: Al-Nadeem works with victims of violence 0164004012/0164004013

European Domestic Violence Agencies: http://www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html

Germany: http://www.distel.ca/womlist/countries/germany.html

India: call 1091 Women's Helpline taking care of women and Helplines & Support 4 Women in India facing violence, dowry threats http://bangalore.citizenmatters.in/articles/view/1843-bengaluru-women-helpline

Ireland: National Free Helpline 1800 341 900, Safe Ireland 090 6479078

Israel: Women's International Zionist Organisation: 1-800-220-000, Isha L'Isha -

Batterd women's hotline (also receives calls frm Palestinian women in West Bank) 972-4-8650977, Shalom Bayit: grassroots organization dedicated to empowering battered Jewish women. http://www.shalom-bayit.org

Lebanon: Kafa helpline at 03018019

Malaysia: Women's Aid Organisation 03 7956 3488

Mexico: 01-800-911-25-11

Philippines: call 1343 in Metro Manila, call (02)1343 from anywhere else

Russia: crisis lines in St. Petersburg: (812) 327-3000, in Moscow: 8 800 7000 600

Saudi Arabia - Natl Hotline toll-free number providing advice and help for Domestic Violence victims: 8001245005

Scotland: Scotland's National Domestic Abuse Hotline 0800 027 1234, The Rape Crisis Scotland Helpline 08088 01 03 02

South Africa: Stop Women Abuse 0800 150 150 toll free

Singapore: PAVe Tel: 6555 0390, AWARE 1800 774 5935 to speak to an AWARE (Singapore) helpliner - open to all women with crisis of any kind
S. Africa's People Opposing Women Abuse (011) 642 4345 (shelter and counseling services)

Turkey: To report & get help call 0212 656 9696 or 0549 656 9696 (only in Istanbul)

UK: The Rape & Abuse Helpline UK (toll-free) - 0808 800 0123 answered by women; 0808 800 0122 answered by men, UK help escaping domestic violence, call the 24-hr helpline at 0808 2000 247

US: National DV Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224

Wales: Wales Domestic Abuse Helpline - 0808 80 10 800

Domestic Violence Resources

2011-12-14T14:58:00.001-05:00

This section is designated for all matters concerning domestic violence. If you are looking for specific information and can not find it here, please use our Contact Form to the left or leave a comment below. We will provide any assistance that we can in helping you locate the information you are looking for.

Hotline Numbers by Country (for crisis and help)

United States Coalition List by State

Sites

Sites for healing from Domestic Violence

Blogs

Violence UnSilenced

Stalking Resources

2011-12-14T14:26:00.002-05:00

This section is designated for all matters concerning stalking. This section is for both teens and adults. This section will cover awareness topics and other information that may be helpful if you are a victim of stalking. This section covers stalking in a general sense and may include info helpful to those that are in a domestic violence, dating violence or other abusive situation. If you are looking for specific information and can not find it here, please use our Contact Form to the left or leave a comment below. We will provide any assistance that we can in helping you locate the information you are looking for.

For Victim Assistance, please call the National Center for Victims of Crime Helpline at 1-800-FYI-CALL, M-F 8:30 AM - 8:30 PM EST, or e-mail gethelp@ncvc.org.

Sexual Abuse/Assault Resources

2011-12-14T14:24:00.000-05:00

This section is designated for all matters concerning sexual assault. If you are experiencing or have experienced sexual assault at the hands of someone you know you may also want to check out our Child Abuse, Dating Violence, or Domestic Violence Pages. If you are looking for specific information and can not find it here, please use our Contact Form to the left or leave a comment below. We will provide any assistance that we can in helping you locate the information you are looking for.

US Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN) Hotline 800.656.HOPE Online Hotline
South Africa Stop Women Abuse 0800 150 150 toll free
S. Africa's People Opposing Women Abuse (011) 642 4345 (shelter and counseling services)

Sites

National Sexual Violence Resource Center

Sites for healing from Sexual Assault

Blogs

Dating Abuse Resources

2011-12-14T14:21:00.002-05:00

This section is designated for all matters concerning dating violence. This section is for both teens and adults; as well as parents of teens who are dating and/or have been victims of dating violence. If you are looking for specific information and can not find it here, please use our Contact Form to the left or leave a comment below. We will provide any assistance that we can in helping you locate the information you are looking for.

State Laws on Teen Dating Violence

US National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 866.331.9474 or 866.331.8453 (TTY)

Sites

Child Abuse Resources

2011-12-14T14:16:00.000-05:00

This section is designated for all matters concerning child abuse and sexual molestation of children by a parent. If you are looking for specific information and can not find it here, please use our Contact Form to the left or leave a comment below. We will provide any assistance that we can in helping you locate the information you are looking for.

8 Myths About Child Sexual Abuse

US National Child Abuse Hotline 800.422.4453

Darkness2Light Resource List

Sites covering Child Abuse

Blogs about Child Abuse

Children Against Court Appointed Child Abuse - CA3

Life Skills: Transportation

2011-12-14T13:52:00.000-05:00

Securing reliable transportation is almost a must for everyone regardless of where you live. If you live in a city area where work, home and shopping are all within walking distance then you are lucky and can save money that would be spent for transportation for other things. If you do not live in an area where walking is easy, convenient and safe then you must decide on another way to get around. Some cities still have bus systems that are affordable, some areas have trains that are affordable, and the more expensive mode of public transportation is taxis. You could choose to use a combination of public systems and walking for a while if that will fit your life style and budget.

Many people also opt for riding a bicycle or moped, depending on where they live in relation to where they work. Using one of these methods in conjunction with public transportation can also save you money to start with. However, most people are forced to get a vehicle for many reasons such as; location of places they must go or having children.

If you have to get a car right away consider something economical, which is dependable and good on gas. If your credit score or income will not support buying a new car, don’t stress about it. You can still find a good car that you can afford that will get the job done.

Look at used lots that offer their own financing plans. You will pay higher interest and thus end up paying more than the car is worth, but they usually don’t check your credit and have payment plans that will fit your budget. Just be careful to not let the very nice person selling you the car “take you for a ride” so to speak. Try to take a male relative or co-worker with you, even if you do all the talking and know enough about cars to not get cheated; having a male there for some reason makes a lot of the “smooth-talking” go away.

If you do not have a male that can go with you, ask a female to go with you, which just having two people there can help you. If you do not know anyone in your area, go to the local Domestic Violence shelter or a church and explain what you need and ask if they would send someone with you. Most of the time if you explain your situation briefly ( don’t go into details you aren’t comfortable revealing) and tell them you think you need help in choosing a good car at an affordable price, they may be able to provide someone that can take you to a car lot and help you.

Whether you go alone or with someone don’t be talked into a deal that you know you can’t afford or that just doesn’t feel right. Always ask to test drive the car. If it is possible have it set up with a mechanic to bring it in during that test drive to get it looked over and ask them their opinion of the car. Tell the mechanic the asking price and ask if the car is mechanically sound enough for that price. This may cost you a little money but well worth it in the long run.

Sometimes people will list cars on the internet for sell. Be very careful if you choose to buy a car this way. People sometimes will also offer cars through Freecycle™ (http://www.freecycle.org/). Again, be careful here because you would have to spend money on insurance, tags, taxes, etc. and may end up with a car that doesn’t run, and now have no money to insure and tag another one. You can find cars for sell in local papers also, these are usually for cash sales only from individuals, be careful if buying a car this way, and again try to take someone else with you to look at it. Ask to test drive it and try to arrange with a mechanic to look it over while you have it out for the test drive.

Car insurance rates vary so greatly by state and individual driver that it is hard to pinpoint one insurance company that is best or cheapest or whatever. I suggest taking the time to get quotes from several different companies and then choose the one that is right for you. Remember that if you are making payments on a car most lenders will require full coverage, so ask before buying the car what they require and get quotes based on that.

In the comments section below, feel free to add your comments, suggestions and experiences on finding transportation.

They date, they abuse, they text, they kill: Messages a new silent weapon

2011-05-10T10:56:00.000-04:00

The article found here (copied below): http://www.twincities.com/ci_15346413?source=most_viewed states in the title that textual harassment is something new, but it isn't really. If you read the article it cites cases going back a few years. It is new only in the sense that before text messaging it was not possible. Parents, please check on your teens texting!! Teens, please know that if you are being harassed by someone you can find places to get help...your parents, teachers, friends even, and many places on line. Love Is Respect is one of the best places to turn to. There are others in the sites listed in the Dating Abuse Page here on this blog.

Please read the article in full, yeah yeah I know it's long, but pay attention to the one thing they all had in common...no one else knew. The nature of texting allows this to be completely private and well hidden. Do something about it now...before it's too late. Don't think it can't be you or your kids, because it can! I know many parents that feel that checking their kids phones is an invasion of privacy; well so is death at the hands of an abusive partner. You can start by monitoring just the number of texts per day, week, month, etc....if you see a spike talk to your teen, ask what is going on. Then, only if you feel the need to do so, do you have to actually read the messages.

By Donna St. George
Washington Post

WASHINGTON — The text messages to the 22-year-old Virginia woman arrived day and night, sometimes 20 or 30 at once. Her ex-boyfriend wanted her back. He would not be refused. He texted or called 758 times.
In New York, a 17-year-old trying to break up with her boyfriend got fewer messages, but they were menacing. "You don't need nobody else but me," read one. Another threatened to kill her.
It is all part of what is increasingly called "textual harassment," a growing aspect of dating violence at a time when cell phones and unlimited texting plans are ubiquitous among the young. It can be insidious, because messages pop up at the sender's will: Where r u? Who r u with? Why didnt u answer me?
"It's gotten astonishingly worse in the last two years," said Jill Murray, who has written several books on dating violence and speaks on the topic nationally. Especially for those who have grown up in digital times, "it's part and parcel of every abusive dating relationship now."
The harassed often feel compelled to answer the messages, whether they are one-word insults or 3 a.m. demands. Texts arrive in class, at the dinner table, in movie theaters — 100 or more a day, for some.
Harassment is "just easier now, and it's even more persistent and constant, with no letting up," said Claire Kaplan, director of sexual and domestic violence services at the University of Virginia, which became the focus of national attention in May with the killing of lacrosse player Yeardley Love, 22.
Police have charged Love's ex-boyfriend, George Huguely, 22, with first-degree murder and allege he removed her computer from the crime scene as he fled. Huguely had sent Love angry e-mails, according to police, who have not released details.
Kacey Kirkland, a victim services specialist with the police department in Fairfax County, Va., has seen textual harassment in almost every form: threats, rumors, lies, late-night questions.

Love’s former boyfriend allegedly called or texted her 758 times, insisting they get back together. (ASSOCIATED PRESS)

"The advances in technology are assisting the perpetrators in harassing and stalking and threatening their victims," Kirkland said.
In the case involving the 22-year-old who received 758 messages from her ex-boyfriend, the harassment led to stalking charges and a protective order, Kirkland said.
Harassment by text is one facet of abusive relationships, which often involve contact in person, by phone, by e-mail and through Facebook or other social networking sites.
"What technology offers is irrefutable evidence of the abuse," said Cindy Southworth, founder of the Safety Net Project on technology at the National Network to End Domestic Violence.

Siobhan Shev Russell was killed by her boyfriend 10 weeks after high school graduation. Her mother later found scores of text messages from the boy. (THE WASHINGTON POST)
Lynne Russell said the privacy of text messaging helped obscure the danger facing her daughter, Siobhan "Shev" Russell. The 19-year-old from Oak Hill, Va., was killed by her boyfriend in April 2009, 10 weeks after delivering a graduation speech at Mountain View Alternative High School.
Later, Russell and her husband found scores of texts, some disturbing, from the boy, now 18.
"I don't think she recognized the warning signs, and we didn't see the signs until it was too late," said Russell, who plans a dating-violence awareness campaign for the fall.
A federal survey released this month showed one in 10 high school students nationally reported being hit, slapped or physically hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend during the previous year. Such surveys do not show rising violence, but the texting culture has changed the experience.

Kristin Mitchell, 21, got a text message from her boyfriend asking why Kristin had gone to her goddamned class rather than spend time with him, among others. She was killed three weeks after her graduation from college.
One woman in her 20s was so closely tracked that her partner insisted she text him photos — each with a clock displaying the time — to prove her whereabouts, said Hannah Sassoon, head of the domestic violence response team in Montgomery County, Md.
In the past several years, about a dozen states have passed or are considering laws to bring dating violence education into schools.
The legislative push comes partly from parents such as Gary Cuccia, a Pennsylvania father whose daughter, Demi Brae, was killed a day after her 16th birthday in 2007. Cuccia said Demi had broken up with her teen-age boyfriend.
Cuccia would later learn that the ex-boyfriend had texted Demi again and again, saying such things as, "You know you can't live without me." After Demi finally agreed to see him, the boy came to her home when she was alone and stabbed her 16 times.
Her father said the largely private nature of texting is an important factor.
"When I was growing up, we had one phone in the whole house, and if you were fighting with your girlfriend, everybody knew about it," Cuccia said.
Last year, Maryland passed a bill to encourage — not require — school districts to teach the topic. It was less than what Bill and Michele Mitchell, who lost their daughter, Kristin, to dating violence in 2005, wanted. But it was a start, and the couple, from Ellicott City, Md., say they will continue to push.
Kristin, 21, graduated from St. Joseph's University in Philadelphia three weeks before her death. Just hours before she was killed, she had texted her boyfriend, "you are being ridiculous why cant I do something with my friends."
Bill Mitchell later learned the boyfriend had sent texts such as the one asking why Kristin had gone to her "goddamned class" rather than spend time with him. Mitchell said he hopes more young people will begin to see warning signs where his family did not.
"Text messaging, in the wrong hands, has to be about the worst thing that's come along when we're talking about dating violence and controlling personalities," Mitchell said.
A recent survey by the Associated Press and MTV shows that nearly one in four respondents ages 14 to 24 reported that partners check in multiple times a day to see where they are or who they are with, and more than one in 10 said partners demanded passwords.
One challenge is that many youths do not view excessive texting as a problem. "If you're getting 50 messages an hour and you want 50 messages an hour, that's not a problem," said Marjorie Gilberg, executive director of Break the Cycle, which works to end dating violence. "But if you're getting 50 messages an hour and you don't even want one, that's very different."
Such topics are addressed through a teen help line called Love Is Respect and several national awareness campaigns, including MTV's effort on digital abuse, A Thin Line, a joint effort on digital dating abuse called That's Not Cool and the initiative Love is Not Abuse.
Murray, the author, said her cases have included a 16-year-old whose ex-boyfriend paid four friends to help him text when he was asleep or at work: "It was like psychological torture."
Murray urges parents to check on how many messages their children get, at what hour and from whom. "Parents don't know this is going on whatsoever," she said.

The Leadership Council - 8 Myths About Child Sexual Abuse

2011-05-09T23:40:00.001-04:00

The following is from The Leadership Council. If you have not checked their site out, we think you should. They have a lot of helpful information that is well put together, and they are a good organization that we feel actually help people rather than just say they do.

Few people are aware of the true state of the science on child abuse. Instead, most people's beliefs have been shaped by common misconceptions and popular myths about this hidden crime. Societal acceptance of these myths assists sex offenders by silencing victims and encouraging public denial about the true nature of sexual assaults against children. The Leadership Council prepared this analysis because we believe that society as a whole benefits when the public has access to accurate information regarding child abuse and other forms of interpersonal violence.
Myth 1: Normal-appearing, well educated, middle-class people don't molest children.

One of the public's most dangerous assumptions is the belief that a person who both appears and acts normal could not be a child molester. Sex offenders are well aware of our propensity for making assumptions about private behavior from one's public presentation. In fact, as recent reports of abuse by priests have shown, child molesters rely on our misassumptions to deliberately and carefully set and gain access to child victims.
According to Dr. Anna Salter, Ph.D., a foremost expert in sex offenders, "a double life is prevalent among all types of sex offenders . . . . The front that offenders typically offer to the outside world is usually a 'good person,' someone who the community believes has a good character and would never do such a thing" (Salter, 2003, p. 34).
In her years of work with sex offenders, Dr. Salter has found they commonly employ a variety of tactics which allow them to gain access to children while concealing their activities. For instance, many seek responsible positions that place them in close proximity with children. They also tend to adopt a pattern of socially responsible and caring behavior in public. Many have practiced and perfected their ability to charm, to be likeable and to radiate a facade of sincerity and truthfulness. This causes parents and others to drop their guard, allowing the sex offender easy and recurring access to children.
In fact, Dr. Salter has found that the life a child molester leads in public may be exemplary, almost surreal in its righteousness. In her book, Dr. Salter presents the following description written by a child molester who had used his position as a church choir director to gain access to boys.

I want to describe a child molester I know very well. This man was raised by devout Christian parents. As a child he rarely missed church. Even after he became an adult he was faithful as a church member. He was a straight A student in high school and college. He has been married and has a child of his own. He coached Little League baseball. He was a Choir Director at his church. He never used any illegal drugs. He never had a drink of alcohol. He was considered a clean-cut, All-American boy. Everyone seemed to like him. He was a volunteer in numerous civic community functions. He had a well-paying career job. He was considered "well-to-do" in society. But from the age of 13-years-old he sexually molested little boys. He never victimized a stranger. All of his victims were friends. . . I know this child molester very well because he is me!!!!

Soon after writing this, the author of this confession was released on parole. Upon release, he quickly infiltrated a church where he molested children until he was again caught and returned to prison" (Salter, 2003, pp. 36-37).

Salter, A. C. (2003). Predators: Pedophiles, rapists and other sex offenders: Who they are, how they operate, and how we can protect ourselves and our children . New York: Basic Books.

Myth 2: People are too quick to believe an abuser is guilty, even if there is no supporting evidence.

In truth, people are too quick to believe that the accused is innocent, even if there is plenty of supporting evidence. According to Dr. Salter, " Normal , healthy people distort reality to create a kinder, gentler world than actually exists" (p. 177). She notes that in order to find meaning and justice in everyday life, most people assign victims too much blame for their assaults and offenders too little. In truth, it is hard for most people to imagine how any person could sexually abuse a child. Because they can't imagine a "normal" person doing such a heinous act, they assume that child molesters must be monsters. If the accused does not fit this stereotype (in other words if he appears to be a normal person), then many people will disbelieve the allegation, believing the accused to be incapable of such act.

Salter, A. C. (2003). Predators: Pedophiles, rapists and other sex offenders: Who they are, how they operate, and how we can protect ourselves and our children. New York : Basic Books.

Myth 3: Child molesters molest indiscriminately.

Not everyone who comes in contact with a child molester will be abused. Although this finding may seem obvious, some interpret the fact that an abuser didn't molest a particular child in their care to mean that those children who do allege abuse must be lying. In truth, sex offenders tend to carefully pick and set up their victims Thus while sex offenders may feel driven to molest children, they rarely do so indiscriminately or a plan.
Research with sex offenders confirms that they tend to carefully select and "groom" their victims (Conte, Wolf, & Smith, 1989). For instance, Elliott, Browne and Kilcoyne (1995) interviewed with 91 child molesters, the all-male sample reported that they most often chose children who had family problems, were alone, lacked confidence, and were indiscriminate in their trust of others -- especially when the child was also perceived to be pretty, "provocatively" dressed, young, or small.
Rather than being a sudden, initially traumatic occurrence, most sex abuse involves a gradual "grooming" process in which the perpetrator skillfully manipulates the child into participating (Berliner & Conte, 1995). To ensure the child's continuing compliance, sex offenders report using bribes, threats and force (Elliott et al.,1995).
Below, a young pedophile describes the careful planning that went into finding his next victim.
When a person like myself wants to obtain access to a child, you don't just go up and get the child and sexually molest the child. There's a process of obtaining the child's friendship and, in my case, also obtaining the family's friendship and their trust. When you get their trust, that's when the child becomes vulnerable and you can molest the child. (Salter, 2003, p. 42)

Berliner, L., & Conte, J. R. (1995). The effects of disclosure and intervention on sexually abused children. Child Abuse & Neglect , 19 , 371-84.
Conte, J. R., Wolf, S., & Smith, T. (1989). What sexual offenders tell us about prevention strategies. Child Abuse & Neglect, 13, 293-301.
Elliott, M., Browne, K., & Kilcoyne, J. (1995). Child sexual abuse prevention: What offenders tell us. Child Abuse & Neglect. 19 , 579-94.
Salter, A. C. (2003). Predators: Pedophiles, rapists and other sex offenders . New York : Basic Books.

Myth 4: Children who are being abused would immediately tell their parents.

The fact victims often fail to disclose their abuse in a timely fashion is frequently used as evidence that an alleged victim's story should be doubted. Research, however, shows that children who have been sexually assaulted often have considerable difficulty in revealing or discussing their abuse.
Estimates suggest that only 3% of all cases of child sexual abuse (Finkelhor & Dziuba-Leatherman, 1994; Timnick, 1985) and only 12% of rapes involving children are ever reported to police (Hanson et al., 1999). A nationally representative survey of over 3,000 women revealed that of those raped during childhood, 47% did not disclose to anyone for over 5 years post-rape. In fact, 28% of the victims reported that they had never told anyone about their childhood rape prior to the research interview. Moreover, the women who never told often suffered the most serious abuse. For instance, younger age at the time of rape, a family relationship with the perpetrator, and experiencing a series of rapes were all associated with delayed disclosure (Smith et al., 2000).
Sex offenders typically seek to make the victim feel as though he or she caused the offender to act inappropriately, and convince the child that they are the guilty party. As a result, children often have great difficulty sorting out who is responsible for the abuse and frequently blame themselves for what happened. In the end, fears of retribution and abandonment, and feelings of complicity, embarrassment, guilt, and shame all conspire to silence children and inhibit their disclosures of abuse (Pipe & Goodman, 1991; Sauzier, 1989).
Boys seem to have a particularly difficult time dealing with sexual abuse and are even less likely to report it than girls. A review of 5 community-based studies revealed that rates of non-disclosure ranged from 42% to 85% in abused men ( Lyons , 2002). Research with abused males has found that the more severe the abuse, the more likely the boy is to blame himself and the less likely he will disclose the abuse (Hunter et al., 1992). In addition to self-blame, reluctance of boys to disclose abuse may be traced to the social stigma attached to victimization, along with fears that they will be disbelieved or labeled homosexual (Watkins & Bentovim, 1992).

Finkelhor, D., & Dziuba-Leatherman, J. (1994). Children as Victims of Violence: A National Survey. Pediatrics, 94 (4, :413-420.
Hanson, R. F., Resnick H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse & Neglect, 23, 559-69.
Hunter, J. A., Goodwin, D. W., & Wilson, R. J. (1992). Attributions of blame in child sexual abuse victims: An analysis of age and gender influences. Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 1, 75-89.
Kilpatrick, D. G., Edmunds, C. N., & Seymour, A. (1992). Rape in America: A report to the nation . Arlington VA: National Victim Center .
Lyon, T.D. (2002). Scientific Support for Expert Testimony on Child Sexual Abuse Accommodation. In J.R. Conte (Ed.), Critical issues in child sexual abuse (pp. 107-138). Newbury Park, CA: Sage. (on-line: http://www.law.duke.edu/shell/cite.pl?65+Law+&+Contemp.+Probs.+97+(Winter+2002 )
Pipe, M. E., & Goodman, G. S. (1991). Elements of secrecy: Implications for children's testimony. Behavioral Sciences & the Law, 9, 33-41.
Sauzier, M. (1989). Disclosure of child sexual abuse: For better or for worse. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 12, 455-69.
Smith, D. W., Letourneau, E. J., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., Resnick, H. S., & Best, C. L. (2000). Delay in disclosure of childhood rape: Results from a national survey. Child Abuse & Neglect, 24, 273-87.
Watkins, B. & Bentovim, A. (1992). The sexual abuse of male children and adolescents: A review of current research. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 33, 197-248.

Myth 5: Children who are being abused will show physical evidence of abuse.

A lack of physical evidence of sexual assault is often cited as support that an alleged perpetrator must be innocent. However, research shows that abnormal genital findings are rare even in cases where the abuse has been proven. Some acts, like fondling and oral sex, leave no physical traces. Even injuries from penetration heal very quickly in young children and thus abnormal genital findings are not common, especially if the child is examined more than 48 hours after the abuse. In fact, even with proven penetration in up to 95% of cases, genital examinations will be essentially normal.
In one study, case files and colposcopic photographs of 236 children with perpetrator conviction for sexual abuse, were reviewed. The investigators found that genital findings in the abused girls were normal in 28%, nonspecific in 49%, suspicious in 9%, and abnormal in 14% of cases (Adams, Harper, Knudson, & Revilla, 1994).
An even lower rate of abnormal findings was found in a large scale study of the 2384 children referred for medical evaluation of sexual abuse. The investigators found that only 4% of the children had abnormal examinations at the time of evaluation. Even with a history of severe abuse such as vaginal or anal penetration, the rate of abnormal medical findings was only 5.5% (Heger, Ticson, Velasquez, & Bernier, 2002).
This low rate of abnormal findings was confirmed in a case review of children with proven sexual abuse consisting of 36 pregnant adolescent girls who presented for sexual abuse evaluations. Historical information and photograph documentation were reviewed to determine the presence or absence of genital findings that indicate penetrating trauma. Only 2 of the 36 (5.5%) pregnant girls showed definitive evidence of penetration (Kellogg, Menard, & Santos , 2004).

Adams, J. A., Harper, K., Knudson, S., & Revilla, J. (1994). Examination findings in legally confirmed child sexual abuse: It's normal to be normal. Pediatrics, 94 (3), 310-7.
Heger, A., Ticson, L., Velasquez, O., & Bernier, R. (2002). Children referred for possible sexual abuse: medical findings in 2384 children. Child Abuse & Neglect, 26, 645-59.
Kellogg, N. D., Menard, S. W., & Santos , A. (2004). Genital anatomy in pregnant adolescents: " Normal " does not mean "nothing happened". Pediatrics, 113 (1 Pt 1), 67-9.

Myth 6: Hundreds of innocent men and women have been falsely accused and sent to prison for molesting children.
Over and over again, the media has raised the question whether America is in the midst of a hysterical overreaction to the perceived threat from pedophiles. Actual research, however, shows that, as a whole, our society continues to under-react and under-estimate the scope of the problem.
Prior to the 1980s, child sexual abuse was largely ignored, both by the law and by society as a whole. In the 1980s, when the scope of the problem began to be acknowledged, the police began to arrest adults accused of child abuse. A backlash quickly formed and police and prosecutors were soon accused of conducting "witchhunts." Although some early cases were handled badly -- mainly because the police had little experience in dealing with very young child witnesses -- there is little evidence to back the assertion that there was widespread targeting of innocent people.
In fact, research has consistently shown that few abusers are ever identified or incarcerated. Estimates suggest that only 3% of all cases of child sexual abuse (Finkelhor & Dziuba-Leatherman, 1994; Timnick, 1985) and only 12% of rapes involving children are ever reported to police (Hanson et al., 1999).
Further research reveals that of the few cases reported to authorities, relatively few accused offenders are ever investigated or charged. For instance, the first National Incidence Study (Finkelhor, 1983) found that criminal action was taken in only 24% of substantiated cases of child sexual abuse -- a finding replicated by Sauzier (1989). After reviewing numerous studies, Bolen (2001) noted that in the end, offenders may be convicted in only 1-2% of cases of suspected abuse known to professionals. And even then, most convicted child molesters spend less than one year in jail.
Based on the high prevalence of sexual crimes against children on our society, it strains credulity to assume that the small number of cases that are actually prosecuted constitute a "witchhunt", or that somehow mostly innocent people are targeted for prosecution. In fact, statistics suggest quite the opposite: child abusers are rarely identified or prosecuted.

Bolen. R. M. (2001). Child sexual abuse: Its scope and our failure . New York: Kluwer Academic.
Ceci, S. J., & Bruck, M. (1993). The suggestibility of the child witness: A historical review and synthesis. Psychological Bulletin, 113, 403-39.
Finkelhor, D. (1983). Removing the child - prosecuting the offender in cases of child sexual abuse: Evidence from the national reporting system for child abuse and neglect. Child Abuse & Neglect, 7, 195-205.
Finkelhor, D., & Dziuba-Leatherman, J. (1994). Children as victims of violence: A national survey. Pediatrics, 94, 413-20.
Hanson, R. F., Resnick H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse & Neglect, 23, 559-69.
Kilpatrick, D. G., Edmunds, C. N., & Seymour, A. (1992). Rape in America: A report to the nation. Arlington VA : National Victim Center.
Sauzier, M. (1989). Disclosure of child sexual abuse: For better or for worse. Psychiatric Clinics of North America, 12, 455-69.
Timnick, L. (August 15, 1985). The Times poll: Twenty-two percent in survey were child abuse victims. Los Angeles Times, p. 1.

Myth 7: If asked about abuse, children tend to exaggerate and are prone to making false accusations.

Contrary to the popular misconception that children are prone to exaggerate sexual abuse, research shows that children often minimize and deny, rather than embellish what has happened to them.
In one study, researchers examined 28 cases in which prepubescent children had tested positive for a sexually transmitted disease by forensically accepted procedures. To be included in the study, the children had to have presented for a physical problem with no prior disclosure or suspicion of sexual abuse and were required to have adequate expressive language capabilities. Each of the 28 children was interviewed by a social worker trained in abuse disclosure techniques and use of anatomically correct dolls. Only 12 of the 28 (43%) of the abused children interviewed gave any verbal confirmation of sexual contact (Lawson, & Chaffin, 1992).
Another study involved a perpetrator who pled guilty after videotapes documenting his abuse of ten children were found by authorities. Because of these detailed video recordings, researchers knew exactly what had happened to these children. They were thus able to compare what the children told investigators when they were interviewed to the videotapes. Despite this abundance of hard physical evidence, the researchers found a significant tendency among the children to deny or minimize their experiences. Some children simply did not want to disclose their experiences, some had difficulties remembering them, and one child lacked adequate concepts to understand and describe them. Even when interviews included leading questions, none of the children embellished their accounts or accused the perpetrator of acts that he hadn't actually committed (Sjoberg & Lindblad, 2002).
Some people believe that recantations are a sure sign that a child lied about the abuse. However, a recent study found that pressure from family members play a significant role in recantations. Mallory et al. (2007) examined the prevalence and predictors of recantation among 2- to 17-year-old child sexual abuse victims. Case files (n = 257) were randomly selected from all substantiated cases resulting in a dependency court filing in a large urban county between 1999 and 2000. Recantation (i.e., denial of abuse postdisclosure) was scored across formal and informal interviews. Cases were also coded for characteristics of the child, family, and abuse. The researchers found a 23.1% recantation rate. The study looked for but did not find evidence that these recantations resulted from potential inclusion of cases involving false allegations. Instead, multivariate analyses supported a filial dependency model of recantation, whereby abuse victims who were more vulnerable to familial adult influences (i.e., younger children, those abused by a parent figure and who lacked support from the nonoffending caregiver) were more likely to recant.

Lawson, L., & Chaffin, M. (1992). False negatives in sexual abuse disclosure interviews. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 7, 532-42.
Malloy, L.C. , Lyon, T.D. , & Quas, J.A. (2007). Filial dependency and recantation of child sexual abuse allegations. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 46, 162-70.
Sjoberg, R. L., & Lindblad, F. (2002). Limited disclosure of sexual abuse in children whose experiences were documented by videotape. American Journal of Psychiatry, 159, 312-4

Myth 8: By using repeated interviews, therapists or police can easily implant false memories and cause false accusations among children of any age.

Although research has consistently shown that children rarely confabulate about having been abused and false allegations have been found to be rare (Everson & Boat, 1989; Jones & McGraw, 1987; Oates, et al., 2000), the potential for false allegations continues to be an area of great concern in sex abuse cases.
Whenever prominent adults are accused of abuse, we frequently hear allegations improper questioning and suggestions that the child may have invented molestation stories to please probing authority figures. We also hear concerns that inappropriate, suggestive therapies by overzealous clinicians may have shaped or implanted the allegations.
Recent research suggests that these concerns have been greatly exaggerated ( Lyons , 2001). There is now a substantial body of laboratory research which finds that children are quite reluctant to discuss embarrassing events (Lyon, 1999; 2002). Overall, laboratory research using suggestive questioning has consistently shown that negative events, especially events involving a child's genitals, are relatively difficult to implant in children's statements. In fact, research shows that children are more likely to fail to report negative experiences that actually did happen to them, than falsely remember ones that did not.
Saywitz, Goodman, Nicholas, and Moan (1991) studied the memory of 72 five and seven-year-old girls for a standardized medical checkup. Half of the children received a vaginal and anal examination as part of the checkup; while the other half of the children received a scoliosis examination of their back instead. The children's memories were later solicited through free recall, anatomically detailed doll demonstration, and direct and misleading questions. The vast majority of vaginal and anal touch went unreported in free recall and doll demonstration, and was only disclosed when children were asked direct, doll-aided questions. The children who received a scoliosis exam never falsely reported genital touch in free recall or doll demonstration; and false reports were rare in response to direct questions.
It is also important to point out that many abused children exhibit post-traumatic and behavioral symptoms. To date no laboratory or clinical research supports the notion that children can falsely remember elaborate details of sexual abuse perpetrated by a trusted teacher, corroborate each other's stories in independent interviews, and develop post-traumatic symptoms -- based solely on police interviews or suggestive therapy.

Ceci, S. J., & Bruck, M. (1993). The suggestibility of the child witness: A historical review and synthesis. Psychological Bulletin, 113 , 403-39.
Everson, M.D., & Boat, B. W. (1989). False allegations of sexual abuse by children and adolescents. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. 28 : 230-5.
Jones, D. P. H., & McGraw, J. M. (1987). Reliable and fictitious accounts of sexual abuse to children. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 2, 27-45.
Lawson, L., & Chaffin, M. (1992). False negatives in sexual abuse disclosure interviews. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 7 , 532-42.
Lyon, T.D. (1999). The new wave of suggestibility research: A critique. Cornell Law Review, 84 , 1004-1087.
Lyon, T.D. (2001). Let's not exaggerate the suggestibility of children. Court Review, 28 (3), 12-14. (on-line: http://aja.ncsc.dni.us/courtrv/cr38-3/CR38-3Lyon.pdf )
Lyon, T.D. (2002). Scientific Support for Expert Testimony on Child Sexual Abuse Accommodation. In J.R. Conte (Ed.), Critical issues in child sexual abuse (pp. 107-138). Newbury Park , CA : Sage. (on-line: http://www.law.duke.edu/shell/cite.pl?65+Law+&+Contemp.+Probs.+97+(Winter+2002 )
Oates, R. K., Jones, D. P., Denson, D., Sirotnak, A., Gary, N., & Krugman, R. D. (2000). Erroneous concerns about child sexual abuse. Child Abuse & Neglect, 24 , 149-57.
Pezdek, K., & C. Roe. (1997). The suggestibility of children's memory for being touched: Planting, erasing, and changing memories. Law and Human Behavior, 21, 95-106.
Saywitz, K. J., Goodman, G. S., Nicholas, E., & Moan, S. F. (1991). Children's memories of a physical examination involving genital touch: Implications for reports of child sexual abuse. Journal of Consulting & Clinical Psychology, 59 , 682-91.
Sjoberg, R. L., & Lindblad, F. (2002). Limited disclosure of sexual abuse in children whose experiences were documented by videotape. American Journal of Psychiatry, 159 , 312-4.

The Leadership Council - 8 Myths About Child Sexual Abuse

Royal couple William and Kate take stand against bullying with nonprofit

2011-05-01T12:37:00.008-04:00

This really touched me, and I think it's such a wonderful thing to do! I can imagine the financial relief reaching these organizations!

So many don't understand how much bullying truly does affect children, and even adults! My son unfortunately has been a bully magnet, and the main reason that he is now home schooled. He got to the point where he wanted to commit suicide, and held the bullying all in without telling us it was going on. We approached the principal of the last school he was in about the bullying, the principle wanted to take my son to the classroom to point out those that were bullying him then take them aside and have a discussion with them. Needless to say, I withdrew him from the school that day.

Lately there has been information being circulated that bullying is in fact connected to child abuse and domestic violence, something I have been saying for years! Those that are abused or bullied today are tomorrows victims and abusers. The time is now to step up and change the perspectives of our children and get them the help they need before they are dysfunctional adults!

Bullying has life long lasting affects on a victims psych, many spending years working on healing from the experiences. If we turn a blind eye to someone getting bullied today, if we tell them to just ignore it, doesn't that set them up to believing that being treated badly is ok and sets them up to being a victim of Domestic Violence as an adult? Being bullied IS part of the cycle of Domestic Violence, it's the beginning along with child abuse!

Do something about it now, step in and stop the bullying! Bullying is NOT child's play!

Published: Friday, April 29, 2011, 8:42 AM
Updated: Friday, April 29, 2011, 8:55 AM

With the whole world buzzing about today's nuptials of Prince William and his bride, Kate Middleton, there is in air of giddiness around many corners of there world. There is, however, a more serious component: The gifts. What exactly do you get the couple that has literally everything?

Rather than registering at the typical stores, William and Kate have instead decided to create a network of 26 charities that guests and fans can donate to in their honor. "The Prince William and Miss Catherine Middleton Charitable Gift Fund" was established in order to direct those gifts to the correct charities in the categories of support for services personnel and their families, conservation for future generations, changing lives through arts and sport, help and care at home, and finally children fulfilling their potential.

The category of children fulfilling their potential includes a nonprofit organization titled,BeatBullying. Middleton was reportedly a victim of bullying as a child and holds this organization close to her heart. According to their website, “Beatbullying is the UK's leading bullying prevention charity, creating a world where bullying, violence and harassment are unacceptable.” BeatBullying has worked with over 1.6 million of the youth in the UK in various school and community programs.

In an interview with Bay Windows, BeatBullying CEO Emma-Jane Cross said, “We hope this partnership will help Beatbullying’s message resonate worldwide -- that we all need to protect our children and young people who are often the most vulnerable in society. Our research shows that one in three children have been bullied -- this is unacceptable, but together we can stop this."

With the increase in student suicide following homophobic and cyberbullying, it speaks volumes that the royal couple is putting forth this effort to help a worthwhile cause. BeatBullying offers specific programs including those targeted at preventing LGBT students from being bullied as well as CyberMentors, an effort to prevent cyberbullying. Middleton may be years past her days when she was a bullying victim, but it is evident that it affected her enough to drive her to make a change for the greater good.

http://www.masslive.com/bullying/index.ssf/2011/04/royal_couple_takes_a_stand_against_bullying.html

What does the Bible say about Domestic Violence?

2011-05-01T11:37:00.001-04:00

Scripture References Related to Abuse

Brian Tubbs

Mar 2, 2010

Did husbands beat their wives in the Bible? Domestic violence is not new. Domestic abuse was as real in Bible times as today. What does the Bible say about abuse?

Victims of domestic violence should know that the Bible contains clear, unmistakable declarations against any form of physical or verbal abuse. Those who seek to justify abuse by turning to the pages of the Bible are guilty not only of harming others, but also of distorting God's Word to suit their nefarious and deplorable actions.

Scripture References Related to Abuse

While some husbands undoubtedly beat their wives in Bible times as some husbands do today, it's generally believed that this was never God's plan or design for the home. On the contrary, the Bible repeatedly calls on people to show kindness, generosity, and love to one another, and specifically condemns the abuse of wives and children. Here are a few Scripture references related to abuse and the proper treatment that husbands, in particular, should extend to a wife:

"So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church." ~Ephesians 5:28-29, NKJV
"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice." ~Ephesians 4:31, NKJV
"Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them." ~Colossians 3:19, NIV
"In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. If you don't treat her as you should, your prayers will not be heard." ~I Peter 3:7, NIV
"The mouth of the righteous is a well of life, but violence covers the mouth of the wicked." ~Proverbs 10:11, NKJV
"So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God." ~James 1:19-20, NKJV

The Bible also exhorts fathers not to provoke their children to wrath (Ephesians 6:4) and to see children as a blessing and "heritage" from the Lord (Psalm 127:3).

In several passages, the Bible also promises God's attention to the poor, needy, and oppressed (Psalm 22:24; Psalm 140:12; Psalm 103:6) and exhorts God's followers to support and help those suffering affliction (Isaiah 1:17; Hebrews 13:3).

What Should Victims of Abuse Do?

In the face of abuse, Christians believe that victims should seek help from God and from those capable of extending support and assistance. Some find prayer beneficial – prayers for wisdom, grace, and protection should be offered fervently and consistently. But don't stop at prayer.

When a spouse is faced with abuse, Christians believe that she (or he) should follow the general advice Paul gives in his letter to the church at Rome. In that epistle, Paul writes: "If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men" (Romans 12:18, NKJV).

Being a general principle, it is applicable to all situations, including the home. There comes a point when it's simply not possible to live at peace. When that point comes, the biblical principle of protecting oneself and others kicks in (Psalm 82:4; Proverbs 24:11; Nehemiah 4:12-14). As for how to implement that principle, victims of abuse should consult with the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) for advice on their particular situation.

Biblical Homes – No Abuse or Violence

Christians believe that God never sides with an abusive husband or father (or abusive wife or mother, for that matter). According to modern Christian beliefs, abuse is completely inconsistent with God's standard for the home. What does a biblical home look like?

Christian ideology holds that God's standard for a biblical home begins with marriage. According to God's design, marriage involves leaving the father and mother and joining together with one's spouse (Genesis 2:24). That marriage is to be a lifelong commitment, based on two people coming together in love and in the sight of God (Matthew 19:6; Mark 10:9).

Studies, in fact, have shown that marriage is statistically safer for women and children, when it comes to domestic violence. Of course, it's vital that spouses enter into a marriage relationship for the right reasons and with a healthy assessment of each other. A wife, for example, has the right to demand that her husband will love her unconditionally, treat her kindly and with respect, and value both her and any children that come into the marriage. This is indeed what the marital vows are all about and it's one reason why premarital counseling is important.

In the Christian school of thought, a truly biblical home, one where both spouses strive to act according to God's standard for marriage, there is unconditional love, mutual submission, sexual intimacy, kindness, mercy, and a lifelong commitment (Matthew 19:4-9; I Corinthians 7:2-5; I Corinthians 13; Ephesians 5; Colossians 3:18-21).

In such a marriage, the husband does not set himself up as a dictator, but rather as a servant, modeling Jesus Christ and commits to loving his wife as Jesus loved and gave himself for the church. In such a context, abuse and violence are clearly egregious sins. Not only does an abusive husband do great harm to the one he is to love and cherish, but he has plainly deviated from God's standard.

While many professing Christians tragically engage in verbal or physical abuse, Christians believe that this has never been God's design and that domestic violence has no place in a truly biblical home.

Domestic Violence is Not a Private Matter

2011-05-01T11:27:00.001-04:00

By Chosun Ilbo columnist Oh Tae-jin

Apr. 21, 2011 13:02 KST

A team of doctors in Japan's Ehime Prefecture investigated the lives and deaths of 3,000 elderly people there over a seven-year period and found that the death rate among women living with their husbands was twice as high as among those who lived alone. In contrast, the death rate among men who lived alone was 50 percent higher than the rate for men who lived with their wives.

The German writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe said, "When a wife has a good husband it is easily seen in her face." A U.S. study shows that emotionally abusive words spoken by a husband have a harmful effect on the health of the wife. The way husband and wife talk can cause heart ailments, just like smoking or cholesterol, and warm words spoken by a husband lower the risk of his wife getting heart disease, the study said.

In "The Canterbury Tales," Geoffrey Chaucer describes a man's position as a "serf" during courtship and a "lord" after marriage. It seems that men are the same regardless of nationality when it comes to how they treat their wives.

There is an old Korean saying that even the best son cannot replace a bad husband. There are limits to a woman's patience. Women secrete lower amounts of the female hormone estrogen as they grow older. Their patience and femininity decrease along with the estrogen levels, making them more aggressive. They become less able to accept and understand domineering husbands.

The U.S. Justice Department studied 330 cases of murder involving married couples and found that in 44 percent of them the court ruled that the killing was instigated by the actions of the men. In other words, the courts found that the women killed their husbands in an attempt to defend themselves against domestic violence. Only 10 percent of the cases involved husbands murdering their wives. The average sentences were 16 years for men and six years for women. In the U.S., one woman falls victim to domestic violence every six hours.

In Korea too there are tragedies where women murder their husbands because they are unable to endure beatings any longer. Earlier this week, an 78-year-old woman committed suicide after killing her husband. She wrote a note to her son saying, "I'm sorry. I did not want things to turn out this way." Although the exact circumstances surrounding the murder have yet to be verified, she appears to have suffered years of abuse. Perhaps our society has treated this problem as a private matter for too long.

http://english.chosun.com/site/data/html_dir/2011/04/21/2011042101185.html

Domestic violence part of slaying suspect’s past

2011-05-01T11:19:00.003-04:00

It's just sickening that it takes the loss of a beautiful soul to end a man's reign of Domestic Violence...

George Ruibal

By Pierrette J. Shields

Publish Date: 4/28/2011

LONGMONT — A Longmont man indicted last week on suspicion of killing his live-in girlfriend in December 2007 has a criminal history including domestic violence and drunken driving convictions.

George Ruibal, 56, is due to appear in Boulder District Court this morning for filing of charges. He was arrested last week after a Boulder County grand jury indicted him on suspicion of the second-degree murder of 45-year-old Dana Pechin in the couple’s apartment on the 300 block of 15th Avenue. He is being held on a $500,000 bond.

Ruibal reported Pechin’s death to police on Dec. 10, 2007. He said he got a ride home from a co-worker and that they found her on the couch dead under a blanket. Her body was so battered that police initially suspected she had been in an accident of some sort, but Ruibal told police she had been “jumped” when she went to a grocery store.

The Boulder County Coroner ruled Pechin’s death a homicide about a month after Ruibal made the report. Her cause of death was a closed head injury related to manual strangulation.

Investigators reported at the time that Ruibal’s story did not check out and added later that an injury to Ruibal’s face made them suspect there had been a fight. Ruibal’s DNA was found under Pechin’s fingernails.

However, investigators also found on Pechin’s neck DNA that hasn’t been identified.

Prosecutors declined to press charges until Longmont police finished their investigation, but presented the case to the Boulder County grand jury after the state’s cold case task force and an independent review of the investigation concluded that the case was ready.

The five-page indictment alludes to Ruibal’s previous legal tangles involving domestic violence.

“One former girlfriend of Mr. Ruibal told investigators that George Ruibal was violent with her during their relationship,” the indictment reads. “She expressed continuing fear of George Ruibal. She reported that George Ruibal strangled her during the relationship.”

The indictment also notes that his ex-wife reported that he strangled her, and that Pechin told friends she worried Ruibal would kill her.

In 2002, Ruibal was arrested at a Fort Collins hotel after police investigated an altercation between Ruibal and his fiance. The woman’s 10-year-old daughter told police they were on the way for pizza when Ruibal and her mother began to argue in the car. Ruibal got angry and pulled the car’s emergency brake, the girl told police.

They returned to the hotel and the argument continued, police reported. Ruibal pushed the woman and pinned her to the bed, telling her “I am not leaving here, I love you,” according to reports.

The woman reported Ruibal hit her in the chest, according to police reports. The girl told police she was in the parking lot of the hotel as Ruibal was leaving, and he drove his truck at her, so she ran back to the room.

Ruibal was convicted in Larimer County of misdemeanor harassment, including striking, kicking or shoving the victim during a domestic violence-related dispute, records show.

According to court records, the Weld County Sheriff’s Office arrested Ruibal in 2003 on suspicion of third-degree assault in a domestic violence case. According to sheriff’s reports, Ruibal and his girlfriend at the time, who was five months pregnant with his child, got into an argument at their Evans home.

She reported he pushed her and she fell onto her stomach. She later told deputies she tried to calm him down so she could call her mother, and that he accompanied her to a video store to do so. The argument continued in public, and she said he pulled on her arm while she used the other one to hold on to a stop sign while she called to passers-by for help, none of whom assisted, and he eventually forced her into his truck.

She said she tricked him into believing police were on the way and she walked to a friend’s house for help, according to reports. Deputies took photos of injuries to the woman’s head, shoulder, face and wrist.

Ruibal told deputies he did not hit her at any time. He was convicted and sentenced to 360 days in jail.

In February 2004, he was arrested in Dacono on suspicion of domestic-violence harassment and criminal mischief, but the charges were dismissed in that case.

In June of that year, according to court records, the woman listed as the victim in the 2003 assault won a permanent restraining order against Ruibal, citing the domestic abuse.

After Pechin’s death, Ruibal spent time in the Weld County Jail for driving under the influence.

Ruibal was arrested Friday at a construction site in Boulder, and the Boulder County Jail lists his home address just blocks from the Longmont Police Department.

Public defenders assigned to Ruibal’s case this week filed a number of motions in the case, including a request that a judge review the case for probable cause and limit pretrial publicity.

http://www.timescall.com/news_story.asp?ID=26665

Community hero takes her life back

2011-05-01T09:39:00.003-04:00

Oh how I love Twitter! This morning I woke up and wasn't sure if I wanted to get to work or do a bit of playing around, deciding to get to work was the best decision, for this morning I got a twitter from a beautiful survivor who has shared her story not only with me, but with many others and has blessed many others with her strength! What a wonderful beginning for the day!

The short story shared of course brought tears to my eyes, as so many individual stories do, and her strength shines through. It's always wonderful to hear from Sister Survivors, there's so many of us out there, there's no reason for any one to feel alone!

Please, read her story below, follow the link and leave her a message and show your support!

Submitted by tthomas

Tuesday, March 1st, 7:19 am

CLEVELAND - A woman who has experienced years of abuse has found a way to help others. Laura Cowan works full time at Cuyahoga Metropolitan Housing Authority and volunteers at the Domestic Violence Center.

She's an advocate and domestic violence survivor. She was terrorized by her polygamist husband while living in California. A complete stranger freed her from years of domestic violence.

During the abuse, Cowan kept a letter with her chronicling the abuse. While inside a post office, she was able to pass the letter to a postal clerk. The clerk took the letter and mailed it for her. Two days later the sheriff's department came and arrested her husband and freed her, her children and the other family members who had suffered abuse.

Cowan is now back in her hometown of Cleveland, giving back. She didn't let her past bring her down. She went to school and received an associate's degree in Applied Business Management in Information Technology. She now works for the Cleveland Metropolitan Housing Authority teaching and training those living in their facilities on computers and new technology.

This survivor is a member of the Living Truth Center in East Cleveland.

Cowan was nominated and won the People's Choice for the 2010 American Red Cross Heroes Award. She was also selected as one of the Plain Dealer's community heroes and will be recognized March 14.

http://downtown.woio.com/news/community-spirit/community-hero-takes-her-life-back/56106

How to avoid using defense mechanisms

2011-04-30T19:32:00.000-04:00

by Suzanne Rose

Created on: April 24, 2011

Defense mechanisms are commonly used to reduce anxiety and allow people to deal with stressful stimuli. According to the Department of Cognitive Science at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, these can be either positive or negative for a person. You can reduce your use of defense mechanisms through the following strategies.

Identify the defense mechanisms you employ

You will have difficulty avoiding the use of defense mechanisms if you do not recognize that you are utilizing them. First you should learn about the different mechanisms. You may repress some of your bad memories by pushing them to your unconscious mind. Projection occurs when a person projects feelings to someone else. For instance you do not like a person so you think that they do not like you. Rationalization occurs when you find pseudo-logical reasons to support an action such as cheating on a test. Other defense mechanisms include intellectualization, regression and displacement.

Enlist others to help you recognize your defense mechanisms, because it may not be apparent. You may miss some of your maladaptive behaviors, even when they are glaringly obvious to others.

A mental health counselor such as a psychologist can also help you recognize defense mechanisms so that you can take steps to eradicate them. This may be especially useful if you do not understand all of the different types that exist.

Develop healthy ways to reduce your stress

The problem with defense mechanisms is that they are not always effective at reducing the stress of the situation. For instance, some voluntarily or involuntarily choose to repress feelings of sadness when a spouse leaves. The person may think that the feelings of sadness are all gone, however they may still be in that person silently eating away at them. Without a healthy way to get out, these feelings of anxiety manifest themselves in even more dangerous ways. For instance, the person may start to drink or even use drugs.

Instead of using defense mechanisms or unhealthy measures, try to find healthy ways to deal with stressful situations. For instance, you may have a good friend or a mental health counselor to talk to about your problems. You can deal with your anxieties and problems directly. Although it may be difficult to face them in unabashed truth, you will hopefully be able to bring them to a healthy resolution.

Other healthy behaviors may help you get out anxiety. Exercise may be of use to you. Meditation allows you to calmly acknowledge and get out your stress in a healthy way. The more positive ways you can find to manage your anxiety, the less need of defense mechanisms you will have.

Defense mechanisms can help one to deal with anxiety, however they can be unhealthy. The above tips can help you change your usage of these.

http://www.helium.com/items/2144567-how-to-avoid-using-defense-mechanisms

Emotional side effects of verbal domestic abuse

2011-04-30T19:05:00.001-04:00

by Wayne Leon Learmond

Created on: April 09, 2011

The emotional side effects to verbal abuse are many. Those who suffer in silence from verbal attacks from their husbands, wives or indeed, even children, begin to withdraw from society. There are those who have suffered many years of physical and, indeed, mental abuse. The legacy of that is fear, self-loathing and, a feeling of low self-worth.

People who are victims of verbal abuse tell of how they withdraw into their shells. They speak about a once, happy-go-lucky person, who did not worry or stress about anything in particular. They speak about how nervous and anxious they have now become. How the mere sound of the key being turned in the lock as their partner returns home can result in panic attacks.

They become jumpy, trying to please, but always, - within their partners eyes - failing. They tell of breaking into tears on a regular basis [which is again, caused by stress and anxiety]. And of how this emotional turmoil has taken its toll on their lives [both in physical health and mental health too].

For years partners put up with constant verbal attacks from those who say they ‘love them’. The love of their husbands or wives who verbally abuse them has become ‘twisted’ to such an extent, that many women and men look on it as the ‘norm’. This, despite the fact that they know deep down it is not ‘normal’ behaviour at all.

Yet, the fact remains, that despite all of the mental abuse suffered by wives or husbands, there are many who still refuse to leave. This is a curious fact that needs to be looked into a lot more. There have been numerous cases in which a husband or wife has broken away, and left their abusive partner...yet, they go back...why?

Their new partner may be ‘kindness personified’, and would do anything for them. However, there is something missing in the relationship. It is a curious fact that many women, and indeed men, begin to miss the ‘abuse’ they received from their ex-partners. It is as if their minds have been ‘conditioned’ to receiving verbal abuse,. And the fact remains that there have been many cases in which victims of verbal abuse, have begun an argument with their new partners, in order to generate a ‘reaction’.

When they do not receive the reaction they are looking for, then they may leave, to go back to their abusive partners. It is almost as if they cannot function without the drug [for that is what it has become for many who are verbally abused] of being verbally abused. They miss it and, yet many, when questioned cannot explain why?

There seems to be a definite psychological aspect to this problem and, may experts look upon this as just one aspect [out of many] of unnatural, psychological behaviour. This is a direct result of physical and mental abuse. Other psychological symptoms, due to verbal abuse, are a husband or wife who slowly withdraws from society as a whole.

They become very insular and begin to hide within themselves, not wanting to go out, or to do the things they used to love doing. They begin to slowly withdraw from their friends, and spend majority of their days, indoors. They become more and more 'detached' from the friends they once knew. And the one who is in 'control'is their verbally abusive partner, yet, many victims place all their hopes and fears on the ones who say that they love them.

They seem to give up control of their own mind, and so, this gives their partner ‘free reign‘. Victims may call this ’love’ [giving up their lives for the one they love], but outsiders, who can see what is going on, will call it something else - manipulation.

Many victims of verbal abuse become sub-ordinates’ to the verbal attacks. And many begin to believe the lies, and ‘put downs’ their abusive partners use, to keep them in ‘control’ [and to keep them in ‘check’].

The fear of ‘failing’ their abusive partners, in some way, can cause untold mental damage. This is because those on the receiving end of such assaults can never relax. They can never be ‘themselves’ and constantly seem to be waiting for the ‘next attack’ to come their way. They have lost the ability of all rational thought, and have given up that right to their partners who - they say - 'know them better than anyone else'.

There are no easy solutions in reference to verbal abuse and assaults. One can only offer help, if it is asked for by the victim. At the end of the day, it has to be the victim’s choice to seek help. Friends and family may try to persuade them to leave their abusive partners, but other than attaching a lead around their neck, and forcing them out, there is nothing anyone can do.

Organisations, in the form of ‘support groups’ exist, for those people who are going through this. The link below will give you access to those groups. They offer anyone who is suffering right now, the help that they need.

Psych Central Abuse Support Groups

http://www.helium.com/items/2134062-emotional-side-effects-of-verbal-domestic-abuse

Emotional side effects of verbal domestic abuse

2011-04-30T19:00:00.000-04:00

by Bridget Webber

Created on: April 04, 2011

The emotional side effects of verbal domestic abuse stem from a lack of self esteem. As an individual is bullied and abused they begin to lose confidence, and question their ability to make decisions and carry out simple tasks. Domestic verbal abuse may not show on the victims body, but inside their emotions becomes scrambled, making them nervous and insecure.

Domestic abuse of this kind takes place within the home. The four walls of someone’s house can hold, and hide, a great deal of anxiety and emotional trauma, as they wrestle with confusion about why they are being abused, and consider what they can do to alter things.

Victims of verbal abuse look first to themselves as the problem, rather than at their abuser. They are more likely to try and alter aspects of themselves in order to seek positive change than to criticise the individual who is the real cause of their low self esteem.

If an emotional abuser has problems a victim is likely to consider that they should help them overcome them, and that this will, in turn, stop the abuse. This can make them dedicate a great deal of time and effort to looking after the abuser, at the expense of taking care of their own needs.

When an individual suffers from domestic verbal abuse they may begin to lose their individuality in favour of their abusive partner, parent, or adult child. They may take on their taste and opinions, as they no-longer have confidence in their own. They may also spent a lot of emotional energy constructing ways of behaving which is least likely to cause offence to their abuser or rattle them.

Giving to their abuser becomes a major side effect, as the individual becomes more and more fearful of the potential repercussions for having a different opinion than the abuser, or saying anything which may ignite a bad mood. Life revolves around taking care of an abusers needs, and avoiding their wrath.

Verbal abusers tend to put down their victims in order to keep them in their place. They belittle their efforts to shine, and make light of their achievements. They attempt to alienate them from friends and family so that they don’t have an adequate support network. This leaves the abuser with more control.

The effect of such behaviour on their victim is that they become isolated, and get little positive feedback from other people or helpful advice. They also begin to doubt their ability to be good at anything, and may let talents slide in favour of tip toeing around their abuser and attempting to lead a quiet life.

The emotional side effects of verbal domestic abuse are not always apparent to outsiders. It is in private, or within the family home that most abuse takes place. This makes reaching out to other people difficult, as making them aware of the situation can be hard.

http://www.helium.com/items/2130116-emotional-side-effects-of-verbal-domestic-abuse

Emotional side effects of verbal domestic abuse

2011-04-30T18:26:00.002-04:00

by Dr. Deborah Bauers

Created on: April 05, 2011

There are individuals on both sides of the debate that argue about whether the emotional effects of verbal domestic abuse are more damaging than those of domestic violence. In reality, it is probably impossible to separate one from the other because when physical abuse takes place, a spouse or significant other is also a victim of emotional abuse that is characterized by powerlessness, degradation, and fear. But when verbal domestic abuse occurs alone, its victim often lacks the support of family, friends, and society who fail to understand how, just words, can lead to deep emotional scars. Verbal abuse is emotional battering and the perpetrator beats down his/her victim with weapons of the tongue that leave deep and invisible wounds inside the soul.

A verbally abusive individual is someone who manipulates, intimidates and blames his partner for the sense of powerlessness that characterizes his own life. Over time, by relentlessly belittling, regularly brow beating and intentionally humiliating his victim, a verbally abusive spouse is able to manipulate and brainwash a partner’s feelings and thoughts. For many companions, constant verbal abuse results in “learned helpless.” This means that the abused individual eventually comes to believe that everything the abuser says is true and that she/he is incapable of changing self or the dynamics of powerlessness that are felt.

To say that the results of verbal domestic abuse are “side effects” minimizes them. In reality, they are the central focus of abuse and the marks of living with an individual who is capable of inflicting great psychological pain; emotional injuries that can only heal if the abuse ends and the victim is able to regain self-sufficiency and self-worth. The effects of verbal domestic abuse impact the victim in manyways. These may include:

1 Becoming a people pleaser and “walking on eggshells” to avoid being abused
2. Developing severe depression that can potentially lead to suicide
3. Having a distorted view of self
4. Feeling responsible for the partner’s violence
4. Becoming confused and frightened of losing a grip on reality
5. Becoming isolated from family and friends by the abuser
6. Developing a deep sense of personal shame
7. Becoming a victim of not just verbal abuse, but physical abuse as well

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) reports that one in every four women has been physically abused. Totals for reported cases range from 960,000 to 3 million per year and include data regarding abuse of not just women, but men and children as well. An overwhelming number of these cases have all been victims of verbal domestic abuse either simultaneously or prior to the onset of the physical abuse.

If you, or someone you care about, are living with someone who consistently belittles, threatens, or tries to gain unhealthy control, you need to know that this relationship can destroy your self-worth and leave you helpless and frightened. To get additional information about the signs of verbal and physical domestic abuse or to get help for yourself or a friend who is suffering at the hands of an abuser, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

http://www.helium.com/items/2132412-emotional-side-effects-of-verbal-domestic-abuse

Abuser wanted for Murder of his Wife

2010-08-30T16:52:00.000-04:00

Monday's Child, Full Of Woe

In 1980, Pat and John Poulakis were set on adopting a little boy into their family. That all changed when the Poulakis' saw 12-year-old Deana Schermerhorn and her brother Paul on "Monday's Child," a television program in Knoxville, Tenn., aimed at finding children permanent homes. The couple instantly fell in love with the two and were almost immediately adopted into the family.

"It's a wonderful story about adoption," says AMW correspondent Angeline Hartmann, who worked on the story. "They gave the two kids a beautiful life."

While Deana grew up to be a beautiful and talented hair stylist, friends and family said a few rocky relationships left her unlucky in love. She was struggling as a single mother to her young son, Gabriel, when things started looking up in 2006. Deana met someone who seemed to be the man she had been waiting for -- Christopher Meade. The two began dating and eventually moved to North Carolina for a fresh start.

"Deana thought he was a good father to her son, Gabe," Angeline says. "Her sister tells me that Deana just liked him -- thought he was cute in his cowboy hat and boots."

But the rest of the family was less than impressed. From the beginning, their relationship appeared to be a tumultuous affair.

"They had a history of domestic violence," Angeline says. "They would break up, get back together, etc. So when they got married on New Year's Day 2009, her family was really surprised. She was in love with him, so they couldn't really argue with her. It was her life."

Deana's brother Jack even took it upon himself to have a heart-to-heart with Meade, asking him to end the toxic relationship before anyone got seriously hurt. According to Jack, Meade obnoxiously brushed off the advice and said something along the lines of, "I've already made my bed, and I'm going to sleep in it. If I kill her, I kill her. If I go to prison, I go to prison."

In early November 2009, those close to Deana grew even more concerned when they hadn't been able to reach her or her husband at all. Deana had always been good about keeping in touch, so family and friends alerted the police of this development.

When police arrived at the couple's home, they found a note on the door indicating that the family took a trip. Deana never mentioned anything about a trip to her parents, and they spoke on the phone every day.
After about a week, cops say Meade showed up at his mother's house to drop off 4-year-old Gabe, and then Meade took off with no word about where he was going.

Happy to see Gabriel home safe and sound, family members still worried about Deana, knowing it was highly unlikely she would simply leave her son behind. Suspecting possible foul play, cops began searching the couple's residence and the surrounding areas, but the search yielded no results. Things started to look very fishy, however, when it was revealed Meade had been using Deana's credit cards illegally. His November 2009 transactions took place in North Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky and other areas. The transactions and photos taken at ATMs are the last traces of Meade, and he hasn't been heard from since.

The investigation picked up momentum in December when a meticulous cop decided to take visit the couple's home again.

"This is a very tiny department; officers would all kinda search on their own spare time," Angeline says. "He was just walking around her house and saw where animals appeared to be digging. Even though he was searching for her, it was a very emotional moment for him. He couldn't believe he found her."

Deana was dead, and her child had become an orphan. Her story had sadly come full circle. Worse yet, cops believe young Gabriel was there on the day of Deana's death.

"The biggest thing for me is the 4-year-old left behind," Angeline says. "Turns out his biological father committed murder-suicide years ago, so the Gabriel has no mom or dad. Cops think he probably saw what happened that day."

Gabriel now lives with Deana's sister and her husband, who have lovingly adopted him. Cops have charged Christopher Meade with credit card theft and want to talk to him about his wife's murder. Tune in Saturday night to get the full story and call in with any information regarding Deana's death. In the meantime, get all the info from the case file at AMW.com

A National Child Custody Crisis: Why are Moms Punished in Court?

2010-01-19T19:12:00.000-05:00

I know both of these moms personally, and they are beautiful women. This was written for Mom Logic...please go to their website and leave a comment on this important topic of mothers losing children to their abusers.

Custody Crisis: Why Moms Are Punished in Court

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Talk to mothers, divorce lawyers, and child advocates and you'll hear tales of a family court system that's badly broken.

Gina Kaysen Fernandes: To an outsider, Linda Marie Sacks had the perfect life. Her husband was rich, and they lived in a huge home in Daytona Beach, FL, where she spent her days shuttling her girls to school and various activities. Linda Marie describes herself as a "squeaky clean soccer mom" who "lived my life for my children." Behind that façade, Linda Marie says she married a monster -- a man who verbally and emotionally attacked her for years and sexually abused their two young daughters.

When she finally left him and tried to take her girls with her, she encountered a new monster -- family court. Rather than protecting Linda Marie and her two young daughters from a sexual predator, a family court judge denied Linda Marie custody and put her daughters into the hands of their sexually abusive father.

Talk to mothers, divorce lawyers, and child advocates and you'll hear tales of a family court system that's badly broken. It's one that routinely punishes women for coming forward with allegations of abuse by denying them custody of their children. Instead of protecting children from abusers and predators, the court often gives sole custody to the abusive parent, say child advocates. Mothers who tell judges their children are being molested or beaten are accused of lying and are punished for trying to intervene. Some are thrown in jail for trying to keep their kids from seeing an abusive parent. Women, many of whom have few financial resources at their disposal, are often at the mercy of a court system that is not designed to handle domestic violence.

Linda Marie first suspected something was wrong in 2002 when she received a shocking phone call from a school administrator. Her 7-year-old daughter was acting out sexually, with knowledge beyond her years. A short time later, the Sunday school teacher reported overhearing Linda Marie's daughter saying, "I suck my dad's penis." She received more phone calls from school about her little girl using Barbie dolls to simulate oral sex with a boy in her class. "I was very concerned, these are alarming red flags," said Linda Marie.

She consulted family therapists who also expressed alarm and concern, but failed to report these claims to an abuse hotline. In one of the therapy sessions, the oldest daughter drew a picture that depicted her father as an erect penis on legs. Linda Marie says she once walked in on her husband wiping her daughters' vaginas in the bathroom before school, "because he told me he wanted them to be fresh." When Linda Marie confronted her husband, he ignored and dismissed the allegations.

After 11 years of marriage, Linda Marie filed for divorce in 2004. Armed with detailed documentation, she believed the judge would grant her sole custody of her two daughters for their protection. "I was sheltered. I didn't know I had stepped into a national crisis in the courts," said Linda Marie, who spent tens of thousands of dollars in a legal battle that ended in the loss of her parental rights. Linda Marie has only seen her children during supervised visits for a total of 54 hours over the past two and a half years. "I'm one of the lucky moms," she said, choking back tears. "Some bonds are severed forever. I'm thankful for my two hours a month."

Some mothers like Lorraine Tipton of Oconto Falls, WI, have served jail time as the result of contentious custody arraignments. In November, a judge sentenced Lorraine to 30 days behind bars because she didn't force her 11-year-old daughter to follow the court's order to live every other week with her abusive father. "She's terrified of going; she has night terrors and severe anxiety," said Lorraine.

Her ex, Craig Hensberger, was arrested three times for domestic violence and once for child abuse. His criminal record also includes two DUI arrests, one of which happened while driving with his daughter. The court ordered Hensberger into rehab and demanded "absolute sobriety," but his daughter claims he still drinks excessively when she visits.

Hensberger admitted in court that he still continues to drink, but the judge punished Lorraine instead for trying to protect her child. "My abuser is continuing his abuse of me and my daughter with the help of the court," said Lorraine, who spent three days locked up until her daughter made the heart-wrenching decision to return to her father's home so her mother could be released from jail. "He can't get to me physically. The only way he knows how to hurt me is to take my child away."

"What we are seeing amounts to a civil rights crisis," says attorney and legal writer Michael Lesher, who co-authored the book From Madness To Mutiny: Why Mothers Are Running from the Family Courts -- and What Can Be Done about It. Many judges and court-appointed guardians act above the law with apparent impunity, he argues.

"There's no hearing, no evidence, no notice -- they can take your child away from you," Lesher tells momlogic. If a mother raises concerns or openly discusses child abuse in court, she typically ends up being the one under investigation. "Mom is guilty until proven innocent," he says.

A family court judge with the Los Angeles Superior Court refused momlogic's request for an interview to respond to these allegations.

Unlike criminal court, family court does not rely on criminal investigators to gather evidence in an alleged child abuse case. Instead, the court appoints family advocates known as "guardian ad litem," or GAL, who are expected to investigate the abuse allegations and make their recommendation in the best interest of the child. GALs are sometimes licensed psychologists, social workers, or attorneys who are not necessarily trained in evaluating sexual abuse or domestic violence. They have the judge's ear, and their opinions can alter a child's future. There are no juries and there's no mandate for legal representation. In fact, most women end up representing themselves because they can't afford the attorney fees.

Most moms don't want to take the case to criminal court because they prefer to keep the matter private. Legal experts contend the evidence in sexual abuse cases isn't typically strong enough to hold up in criminal court to overcome the threshold of "beyond a reasonable doubt." While the bar is set much lower for proving evidence in family court, advocates argue Child Protective Services frequently doesn't want to get involved. "If there's a custody battle going on, CPS won't touch it," says Irene Weiser of the advocacy group StopFamilyViolence.org.

There's no doubt fathers play a critical role in a child's life, and in most cases, are equally loving and capable parents who deserve custody. However, studies find when a wife accuses her husband of abuse, more than half the time, she faces a counter-accusation of "parental alienation syndrome," or PAS. Although PAS is not a medically recognized disorder, divorce attorneys often successfully argue that it emerges when a parent brainwashes a child into thinking the other parent is the enemy.

The psychiatrist Richard Gardner, who first coined the phrase "parental alienation syndrome" in 1987, has written more than one hundred articles on the subject, but has offered no scientific data to support his theory. While it's not considered a certifiable medical condition, PAS is widely accepted in the legal community.

"Parental Alienation unequivocally, categorically exists, and it's a form of child abuse," says author and forensic consultant Dean Tong. While he believes more studies need to be done to validate PAS, "it does exist, anecdotally speaking," he says. As an expert witness, Tong has been called a "fathers' rights prostitute" for his work in court clashes. But he also testifies for mothers who are fighting to appeal unfavorable rulings. For Tong, it's about using forensics to find the truth. "I'm not here to protect guys who are guilty," he says.

In years past, mothers were typically considered the "protective parent" in custody decisions when courts relied on the "Tender Years Doctrine," which states that children under the age of 13 should live with their mothers. Recently, several courts have ruled that doctrine violated the Equal Protection Clause in the 14th amendment, and replaced it with the "Best Interests of the Children" doctrine. It's a huge victory for the increasingly powerful Fatherhood Movement that contends dads are systematically alienated from their children after a divorce.

Tong argues the current legal climate continues to put fathers on the receiving end of false allegations. "It's handcuffs first, speak later," said Tong, who experienced that firsthand. In 1985, Tong's ex-wife falsely accused him of sexually abusing his 3-year-old daughter. He spent time in jail and went through "a year of hell" trying to prove his innocence. While Tong was eventually cleared of any wrongdoing, he never regained custody of his kids, and remained under supervised visitation for years. Tong became a self-taught expert on the subject of family rights and abuse accusations. He has written three books, including Elusive Innocence: Survival Guide for the Falsely Accused.

"There's an assumption that maintaining a child's relationship with the father is a good idea -- even if the father is abusive," says Stop Family Violence's Weiser, who believes when the overburdened court system is unable to sort out a custody conflict, it relies on misogyny. She argues there are many judges, GALs, and evaluators who believe that women are inherently vindictive and will lie to get a leg up in a custody battle. "We see it over and over again in family court, where judges or professionals don't believe the violence is occurring," Weiser says.

"All we have is 'he said, she said.' Who's telling the truth? That's up to the judge," says Tong, who believes the justice system isn't working for either side. "The system is not doing a good job interviewing kids, we're still in the dark ages there," says Tong, who thinks there needs to be more formal education and training for the professionals, including judges who are hearing child custody cases.

According to the American Bar Association, child abuse allegations in custody disputes are rare -- occurring in only six percent of cases. The majority of those accusations are substantiated. In terms of false allegations, fathers are more likely than mothers to intentionally lie (21 percent, compared to 1.3 percent). In fact, abusive parents are more likely to seek sole custody than nonviolent ones, and are successful about 70 percent of the time.

After three years of litigation, Linda Marie Sacks says she was no match for her ex-husband's financial resources and powerful connections. "He was buying his way through the courtroom." Despite 10 calls into the abuse hotline by licensed professionals, Linda Marie's ex-husband still claimed she was making false allegations of abuse to alienate his children, and the judge believed him. Linda Marie was kicked out of her home and put on supervised visitation with her two daughters, who are now ages 10 and 12. "The judge legally kidnapped my daughters and won't give them back," she said.

In some extreme cases, a custody decision will be reversed, which is what happened to Joyce Murphy. The San Diego mother was charged with kidnapping after she took her daughter out of state, away from the girl's father, because she believed he was a child molester. The father, Henry Parson, accused Joyce of parental alienation and she lost custody. "Despite my pleas for protection to the police and the DA and the family court representatives, and even psychologists, Mr. Parson was able to convince them and the community at large that he was the victim, and I was just an angry, embittered, divorced woman," explained Joyce.

Six years later, Parson was caught in the act and pleaded guilty to six counts of child abuse, which included oral sex with a child, molestation, possessing child porn, and using a child to make porn. After Parson received a six-year prison sentence, Joyce told reporters that family court's only good decision in her case was granting her full permanent custody of her daughter after her ex-husband was jailed.

Lorraine, the Wisconsin mom who was jailed for protecting her daughter, knows her daughter's nightmare will continue for the rest of her childhood. "He's never going to stop, it's never going to end until she's 18." Linda Marie says she's putting every penny towards her legal efforts to win back custody of her daughters. "I will never stop fighting for my girls. I know one day justice will prevail."

Critics argue that not only is the family court system broken, it was never designed to deal with issues like child custody. The goal is to develop solutions that are in the best interest of the child. "Unfortunately when judges and guardians start thinking of themselves as super government, all sorts of abuses will occur," says attorney and author Lesher.

Activists are working towards making reforms through legislation. "The heartbreaking challenge is that there's not one quick fix," says Stop Family Violence's Weiser. "This is a war -- it's very ugly, it's bloody, and very bitter," concludes Tong.

10 Myths About Domestic Violence

2009-12-12T18:10:00.000-05:00

I think this blog post is something that anyone that has dealt with Domestic Violence, or has a family member or friend involved in Domestic Violence should read. I agree with many points within this blog, and feel that one of the most important things that we as Advocates and Survivors need to do is help dispel the myths and misconceptions that many have surrounding Domestic Violence.

10 Myths About Domestic Violence

1. Only women are victims of domestic violence.

Between 2001 and 2005, 22% of all reports regarding nonfatal violence cited females over the age of 12 as the victims and...

2. Domestic violence occurs only in lower-class, uneducated, or minority households.

Domestic violence does not discriminate against socioeconomic, educational, age, sexual preference, or racial lines any more than it does gender. It can happen to anyone...

3. Instances of domestic violence are actually quite rare.

In May of 2002 alone, 16 of the largest urban counties in the United States reported a combined total of 3,750 cases of intimate partner violence. Trending data shows...

4. Domestic violence is usually a one-time-only occurrence.

In May of 2002, 46% of convictions for nonfatal intimate partner violence had a history of prior abuse towards the victim. While some instances of domestic violence only involve one incident...

5. Victims of domestic violence usually provoke the abuse.

A blame the victim philosophy surrounds many violent crimes, with fingers pointed towards men and women alike who find themselves on the receiving end of abuse questioned almost as intensively as their assailants. Many mistakenly believe...

6. Substance abuse is the root cause of domestic disturbances.

Drugs and alcohol amplify aggression, and many men and women abuse their spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, or other intimate partners while under the influence. However...

7. Domestic violence is an issue that only needs addressing between the people involved.

The fact that 21.8% of female victims and 39.2% of male victims fail to report their abuse at the hands of an intimate partner because they believe the matter is best handled...

8. Improving a broken relationship can stop a batterer.

In believing that working on the relationship between abuser and victim makes for a solution to end abuse, the mindset that...

9. Victims stay in violent situations because they secretly enjoy being beaten.

Another corollary to the blame the victim perspective labels repeat recipients of domestic abuse as masochists who stay in violent situations because...

10. Domestic violence is a side effect of a patriarchal society or filial structure.

Many perceive domestic abuse as a negative aspect of living within a patriarchal society or a family where men dominate over the women. Studies have shown...

Original Blog Post

Knight in Tarnished Armor

2009-12-04T15:28:00.000-05:00

One of our members shared the link to a story written by a Domestic Violence Survivor, and I've since talked to her and gotten permission to share with you the below. Not many Survivors are able to put in book form what they went through for many various reasons, and it's always amazing when yet another Survivor is able to do so. I not only thank Erin for writing this book, but for reaching out to others that are in need of her courage!

Knight in Tarnished Armor by Erin Donovan

I often have said that if domestic violence was going to happen to anyone, it was a good thing it happened to me. I was raised in a very loving, kind, stable household. My parents are the best, and there was hardly ever a voice raised in our house, let alone people beating on others. I grew up with a strong sense of self, fierce independence and a lot of self esteem. I had supported myself for years before I got married and really wasn't all that interested in getting married, until my "knight" came along. So when it came time to get out - I did - after almost three years of abuse. But I couldn't get off my mind the women who have gone through similar circumstances and didn't have the fortitude or the support group that I did. I didn't have children, didn't have to go to a shelter, didn't have to go find a job or place to live. I had it easy - and still almost ended up dead. I just kept thinking of the thousands and thousands of women who go to bed at night praying they will wake up in the morning and almost wishing they wouldn't because they will have to go through another day of abuse. So, this book kept writing itself in my head. Heck, I'm not an author, but I wrote a book about what I know, and I know domestic violence. I'm stronger for it and my goal is to help anyone, woman, man, child, whomever, make it out and live life the way it should be lived - without fear of being abused, beaten or killed.

In addition to my book, I've taken classes and courses and attended seminars and have read countless books on abuse. I co-founded a support group for women which meets once a month. This group isn't just for abuse victims, it's for anyone woman who needs the support of other women. Then I have "Sit and Sip" - which I call comfort sessions. These are conversations - either e-mail, phone or in person - with domestic violence victims where basically I let them talk. I have found that I'm a very good listener and have the knack to ask questions that draws out what a victim needs to get out without making them feel pressured. One woman, a stranger, called me out of the blue and talked for 4 hours. At the end, she said, "You know, I've never told anyone my story from beginning to end before. My life really sucks!" And she left her abuser right after that and is a very successful real estate agent now. All she needed was to see her life in perspective, for someone to listen, and that's what I do.

The Knight has been out since September 8, 2009 and the feed back I have been getting is exciting and humbling at the same time. I wrote this book for one reason - to help other victims - and I'm glad to say what I have been hearing is that it's doing just that. There is a safety plan (compliments of Focus Ministries - a WONDERFUL organization for victims) and encouragement after my story. One woman ordered one for herself and after she read it she ordered four more to send to each of her granddaughters. I've have done a few radio interviews, but I do have to be careful with where I do what because my ex is still out there and if knows I've revealed his dirty secrets for all the world to see...I'm dead...he WILL kill me, no doubt in my mind.

I guess the best way to sum it up is to read what I have written on my website and I'll include it here:

Welcome to my World

During the years of marriage to the man I thought was my knight in shining armor, the violence that quickly escalated took me by surprise. I had no idea the man he truly was, was not the man I married; sweet, considerate, loving and gentle. There were reasons for the abuse, I was told, so I waited, hoping it would stop. As the violence increased, I started a journal to document what was happening. I would document our latest "encounter", make a copy and give it to my mother to hold in a large manilla envelope - just in case he killed me, there would be enough proof to put him away forever. Sounds a bit sad, but when you are a victim, you think like a victim.

What you will read in my book are those actual journal entries, as well as letters I had written to my husband and his doctors. I have filled in with facts between the entries to flesh out my story and give you a glimpse into the world of a domestic violence victim.

But the important part of Knight in Tarnished Armor is not my story. The important part is the advice at the end, the safety plan, the encouragement, and hopefully the realization that if you are a victim, you are just one step away to being a survivor - that one step out the door that will lead to your freedom. I'm not saying it's easy, but believe me, it's worth it.

I have my life back. I've never been happier and I'm stronger for having walked through the fire. You can do it too and become the woman you want to be. Take that step, we are here to help.

Out of the Chaos of DV, is Born a New Family...

2009-12-01T19:22:00.000-05:00

Too often Domestic Violence situations go severely wrong, so it is wonderful to hear stories of them going right. Below is a story of love, strength, and the commitment to children to protect them, and the bringing together of family.

This hits me personally because I myself am adopted, and have worked with children within the Foster Care system. Too often we hear of those again that go wrong within the system, here is a family that has not only survived but has Thrived through the adversities...

Before clips from 2 sources covering the wonderful event of adoption is a message from Chelsea Hayes. She has shared her story and that of the children she loves in order to help others understand a little bit more about Domestic Violence from a Survivors perspective. After which follows links and an original article about the day of adoption.

Again, I want to express my Congratulations to this family, and a deep heartened Thank You for sharing your story.

A word from a Survivor and a Wonderful Mom...

Here is a speech I have given to other nurses and graduating police officers that i would like to share with you:

First let me begin by thanking you for the opportunity to listen to me speak. Please let me begin by giving you a little history about me….My name is Chelsea and I am a survivor of Domestic violence. I am 29 years old and I am a Nurse. I worked in a local ER for 6 years, and was a volunteer EMT and Firefighter for 4 years. I now work full time in a doctor’s office. I have 5 kids 4 of whom I have now successfully adopted from my ex-husband and 1 biological son. I have never been arrested, I don’t smoke or drink..I was married for 4 years to an extremely abusive man. We met when I was 23 in June of 2003, his 4 children came to live with us 3 weeks later, their mother has and had a severe drug problem and mental issues. We married in October 2003 I got pregnant in November 2003, and I left August 8th 2006. My divorce was final in Sept 2008; I had to wait until after the final trial to legally divorce him so that my testimony during the criminal trial could be preserved. In May 2009 he was sentenced to 20 ½ years with 10 suspended for two counts of 1st degree assault and violating my protective order. The original charges were attempted murder 1st degree assault (twice) False imprisonment and violating my protective order 10 times. We plead down after 3 trials because I did not want the 4 children to testify. The states attorney and their therapists said it would be too much for them and I agreed (1 trial because he plead Not Criminally Responsible, 1 trial for the criminal charges with a hung jury, 1 juror could not decide, and the final trial where he was found guilty) the sentencing was in May 2009. He filed for an appeal that trial was in October 2009 in front of a panel of 3 judges and it was denied. I legally adopted my 4 stepdaughters from the state November 20th 2009. He should be out of jail in 1-3 years from now depending on his behavior while incarcerated.

In the beginning I loved my husband and was ready to spend the rest of my life with him, I truly thought that he was a good man, and a wonderful father, he just had a little bit of a temper… Sometimes. He would get mad sometimes, it started with yelling every now and then, then he started throwing things at me when he got mad, from there it slowly escalated to controlling my friends, made me quit my job, controlled who I talked to and what I talked about. Then it started to progress to physical violence and a lot of verbal abuse.

Looking at the cycle of violence it now all make sense to me. He completely isolated me from my friends and family, put me down on a daily basis; I never had any money unless I asked for it. He never supported my education. He was Completely obsessed with sex always accusing me of cheating on him, he also liked to use the kids to make me feel bad telling me that I was a bad mother and even using the kids to watch me and what I was doing or saying, he would threaten to kill me, himself, my family or the kids if I left or he said he would move with the kids to another country if I left and I would never see them again. He said if I left and took our son he would grow up a bastard because he would never have anything to do with him or kill himself. He said I would never ever be able to keep the 4 girls because they were not biologically mine. He tried to kill me more than once, shot a gun off in front of my infant son, and me twice. He treated me like a
servant making comments that the house was dirty and would not eat any food that I cooked, HE never let me go to church or get our children baptized and I was raised in a religious school and was accustomed to going to church, He was also very intimidating constantly making threats that I did not love him, I was cheating on him or that he would leave with the kids, often he would threaten physical violence if I disagreed with him things as simple as what time the kids should go bed.

I never ever thought that when I married him he would try to kill me. In August of 2006 he did try to kill me, he beat me unconscious with a rock in front of all of the children, Thought I was dead loaded me into the car to bury me and then proceeded to tell my children that he was going to kill them too but he said he would bury my son and I together..so we could be together. I woke up and basically was attacked again, talked my way out of him killing me by swearing to him that I would never tell anyone what happened, that I was a nurse I could take care of my own injuries and no one would ever know, just to please let me live. He held the children and I at gunpoint for an entire week before I finally had the opportunity to leave.

Something important that I think you should know and understand as healthcare professionals is that if you suspect in the slightest way that someone is being abused do not make a judgment. Do not force the person to leave or tell them what they should do. Instead listen to what they have to say, keep an open mind that if someone is talking to you about being abused it may be the first time. The very last thing they need to hear, believe it or not is why don’t you just leave. I heard this so many times in the hospital and by police officers. The truth is it truly not that simple to “ just leave”. Most of these women are so torn down emotionally they truly believe this relationship however harmful it is, is their only option. Again I never thought I would be with some one who controlled me and abused me as much as he did. Women in abusive relationships are extremely co-dependant on their abusers and they truly believe that this is it; this is what they are stuck with. For me it was extremely complicated because there were 5 little children involved 4 of whom were not biologically mine. That I could not just leave with him.

Unfortunately, all of my children were witness to domestic violence and it took me a long time to realize that he controlled me and he controlled our children. My children have suffered immensely due to the violence that they witnessed. Children know, they hear, they feel, they see it all and most important they remember. As much as I wish they did not know all this they do because they saw it heard it and were apart of it, they will never forget and it affects them daily. My children would even be so terrified of their dad they would lie to police and social workers about him. He would tell them what to say, he would tell them if I called the police they had to say I hit him even though I had not so I would go to jail not him. So I would not call or I would lie when they came. All of my children have severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When we lived with my ex husband two of my children failed grades, he would often keep them home to watch me alternating between the four older children. In 3 years we lived at least 10 different places. He would move us when the neighbors or police started to ask questions.

The children are the ones that seem to be most forgotten about in all of this violence, but I think being exposed to this violence so profoundly influences them. In the end the breaking point for me was not when he tried to kill me but when I woke up and realized what had happened that he thought I was dead and so did my children, that my children had seen it all, and all of them were too scared to help me, to run next door to the police officer’s house or call 911. That is when I knew I had to do something to help myself because no one was going to help me or my children.

That week while held hostage in my own home I was able to make a phone call and spoke with one man named Bill Mitchell who took the time to share with me his story about his daughter Kristen Mitchell and how she had been stabbed to death by her boyfriend, his family had lost their daughter…forever. I thought that cold be me, that coul dbe my mom or sister telling that story. After I heard him I had finally gathered enough strength I got that extra reality check, that extra strength to know I HAD to leave. After the support of my sister, mom, one man named Bill Mitchell and one single police officer that finally took the time to listen to me and not make any judgments. I left – I left with just me and my 5 kids I had $500.00 and no clothes, toys-nothing except me my kids and a cell phone. I made the decision for me and my children to leave everything behind. We lost everything the house the toys the car everything all gone. I have had to rebuild
slowly getting clothes and toys from friends and family. But no matter how hard it is it will never be as hard as living one day the way we did.

As healthcare professionals try to keep in mind that if you suspect Violence try and definitely talk ALONE with the patient. Let them know that there are options to help them. Let them know that you are there to listen and not make any judgments, encourage them to make baby steps toward a plan for better different life if not for them for their children. Do not make false promises but let them know that there are many resources in the community to help women in their situation, to help keep them safe. Encourage them to try and confide in at least one person and tell that person how they are feeling and what is happening, keep a journal or notebook of dates. It is very difficult to understand how a person lives day by day with their abuser.

Also keep in mind that if the abuser is with the victim a very good way to get the trust of the abuser is to get on his good side however hard that my be for you, In order to help the victim you have to have the trust of the abuser. This is really hard to do but try as hard as you cannot to make judgments if you suspect abuse. The abuser controls the victim. If he suspects that you have any hard feelings toward him he will shut her down automatically. He took me to the hospital numerous times, but the second he thought someone suspected abuse he made me leave.

Let me end with a few very interesting facts that I have learned about Domestic violence. Did you know..
Every 9 seconds a woman is physical abused in this country
Domestic Violence is the #1 cause of birth defects according to the march of dimes?
67% of abusers abuse their children
30% of all murders are women being killed by their partners
In 87% of violent homes, children witness the battering.
According to the US department of justice almost 54% of all men experienced physical assault as a child at the hands of an adult caretaker.

Now after I have left life is not easy, not easy at all it is extremely stressful being a single parent of 5 children with severe emotional issues, trying to make ends meet. Trying to make family members understand why I stayed, and some believe it or not why I left…and many whom blame me for their son, brother or uncle being in jail. But every day I am free- free to work, free to be a good parent, free to say what I want when I want, Every day gets better and better and for me and my children and I am truly thankful for every day in my life, because I know that every day is a gift to me and my children.

Thank you again for your time I hoped I have helped you understand a little bit more about Domestic Violence from a Survivors perspective. Thank you Chelsea Hayes

Adoption Day in Montgomery Co. Court

Two dozen families officially unite

Updated: Friday, 20 Nov 2009, 5:58 PM EST
Published : Friday, 20 Nov 2009, 5:58 PM EST

Tisha Thompson
tisha.thompson@foxtv.com

By TISHA THOMPSON/myfoxdc

ROCKVILLE, Md. - In a place where fidgety kids are normally not allowed, Montgomery County Courthouse #1 became 2-year-old Walter Best’s personal playground.

Walter crawled under court benches, grabbed at cameras and ran circles around the packed courtroom.

“I’ve been running behind him in the courtroom,” his exhausted grandmother Doris Deltoro explained. “But it’s worth it. It’s worth it.”

It's woorth it because Doris and her husband, Jose Deltoro, were waiting to adopt Walter. They were one of more than two dozen groups waiting to finally become a family.

Across the courtroom, John Ward and Marco Beltran beamed as they showed off 1-year-old Anthony.

Known only as a foster child named Baby Boy Doe, Anthony arrived at their home when he was just 3 days old.

“We were open to pretty much any child,” Ward explained. “We happened to have a crib, a nursery ready to go, and Anthony came.”

Beltran cried as Circuit Court Judge Katherine Savage called the new family to the dais and announced to the crowd, “Here come those magic words.” She read, “This is the judgment for adoption and change of name,” and the signed the document, officially giving Anthony his name.

Later, 12 year-old Sabrina Hayes stood with her three sisters as another judge declared all four the children of their stepmother, Chelsea Hayes.

“We were exposed to a lot of domestic violence,” Chelsea said.

She explained how she fled her marriage by taking her ex-husband’s four girls with her.

“I never thought I would be able to have the girls because they weren’t my biological children,” Hayes said.

Six years later, Sabrina said the ceremony was “amazing because I know I have somebody to love and somebody who loves me and we have a stable home.”

Her eldest sister, 15-year-old Samantha Hayes, then told her new mother, “I love you. Thank you for being there even in the bad times.”

Finally, it was little Walter’s turn, who calmed down just long enough for a judge to transform his paternal grandparents into simply “Mommy” and “Daddy.”

But within minutes, Walter was back in form, hollering at the top of his lungs as a worn-out but jubilant Doris smiled. “It’s a proud day,” she said. “I’m so happy.”

Original Article

ABC7 News Video

Mo. man suspected in Kansas killing of wife, kids

2009-11-30T02:11:00.000-05:00

By JOHN HANNA
Associated Press Writer

BURLINGAME, Kan. - A former city official from Missouri who lost his job after he was charged with assaulting his wife was accused Sunday of fatally shooting her and their teenage daughters in eastern Kansas.

The Kansas attorney general's office said in a statement that James Kraig Kahler, 46, was arrested Sunday on suspicion of three counts of capital murder in the deaths of his 44-year-old wife, Karen, and their daughters, Emily, 18, and 16-year-old Lauren.

He also is accused of attempted first-degree murder in the shooting of his wife's 89-year-old grandmother, Dorothy Wight, in whose home near Topeka the bodies were discovered on Saturday night.

Read More Here

DV ends in adoption

2009-11-28T13:27:00.000-05:00

Not all situations of Domestic Violence end up well, too often families are torn apart, too often step parents that were the victim looses children that they have become attached too, and the children end up in worse situations without someone to protect them. Too often, the abuser gets custody of the children.

To see something as special as this is heartwarming, and makes you feel good that this Survivor not only has survived her situation, but was able to adopt and continue to protect children that has now become legally her family. Children that now have a bright future, and aren't stuck in the system. Children that now have a chance to live abuse free!

Again, I want to Congratulate this family! It is amazing what Chelsea has done and is continuing to do,

ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?

2009-11-25T11:54:00.000-05:00

This was shared by a very special Survivor, and although not news, it's something that I think so many should read and think about, mostly those that are or have been through DV.

by Mary Sullivan
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as if as soon as one problem was solved a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen.

The mother filled three pots with water.

In the first, she placed carrots.
In the second she placed eggs.
And the last she placed ground coffee beans.

She let them sit and boil without saying a word. About twenty minutes later, she turned off the burners.

She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she said, "Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. (You known the tone of voice.)

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did, and noted that they felt soft.

She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg inside.

Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, "So, what's the point, mother?" (Remember the tone of voice.)

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity - boiling water - but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid center. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its insides had become hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water...they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your
door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot , an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt
and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?

Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial
hardship, or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my outer shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water - the very circumstances that bring the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor of the bean. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you instead of letting it change you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

How do you handle Adversity?

ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?

Stephanie Winegeart

Have a Happy and SAFE Thanksgiving Season

2009-11-25T11:37:00.000-05:00

Dear Sisters,

I pray that you all have a Happy and SAFE Thanksgiving Season!

During the Holidays, Domestic Violence escalates. This is something that has been seen time and time again, and I was reminded of it yet again last night. I was at a friends home to visit, when her friend that I've met a few times came in with her 2 teenage girls crying. They had just come from talking to the police about the abusiveness of the father of the girls and a man that the mother had lived with for 15 years. She was trying to hold out through the Holidays for the girls, but it wasn't meant to be... Thankfully she had good friends to go to that will help hide her and the girls until she can get on her feet, yet, not all victims have that option.

It was just a reminder of how too many are out there, praying to just get through the holidays, and how many don't have the support that they need. Along with my Thanksgiving wishes to all is the hope that all of us reach out this season to those that we know, and maybe some that we don't, and support them through the holidays. Along with that is to let Victims and Survivors know that there is support, and not to be shy about reaching out for it just because it's the Holidays. There are many that care, and that will support you through it, all you have to do is reach out.......

--
Tracy Hommel
UAADV Founder
Providing the hope to survive today, tomorrow, and beyond...

What is the Second Chance Fund?

2009-11-12T12:26:00.000-05:00

This is something I ran across today, and wanted to put it out. Animal abuse and domestic violence are connected, the connection being understood more and more. The American Humane Society has a fund for those pets that are abused, to help with the medical costs and to give the injured animals a second chance.

From someone who's abuser abused their pets, I know the reality of the connection, and have heard all too often Victims not wanting to leave a pet behind because they know they'll be hurt by their abuser. Too often those victims stay because they can't find someone to take the pet and protect them. Seeing this is a step in the right direction.....

What is the Second Chance Fund?

The medical costs of treating and rehabilitating an abused animal can easily become overwhelming for any animal welfare organization -- particularly when long-term care is necessary. The Second Chance Fund is one way American Humane works to support member organizations in their vital work. By providing financial assistance, in select cases, to animal welfare organizations responsible for the temporary care of animals as they are prepared for adoption into permanent, loving homes, the program provides animal victims of abuse or neglect with a second chance at life.

To read more...

A story of hopeful love, turned to violence and murder

2009-11-12T00:21:00.000-05:00

This is something I decided to share on all of the blogs because I feel that through Mildred Muhammad’s pain, society as a whole can see yet again a bit of insight into a Domestic Violence Victim. Here is a Survivor that dealt with the “hidden” affects of DV, those that aren’t seen but leave deep scars.

“But in general this book is about domestic violence when there are no scars — the domestic abuse that strains the victims' credibility in some minds because there are no broken bones or blackened eyes, and because the perpetrator is such a smooth monster, and John Muhammad was certainly that. He once told his wife, “I'm going to fix it so that no one will ever believe you or want you.” Imagine that, after John Muhammad kidnapped his and Mildred's three children and fled with them to Antigua, where he stayed for 18 months. There were people who knew where her children were, but for whatever reason (maybe, they were afraid of John, too) wouldn't give Mildred any relief.”

This is something I feel that anyone dealing with those going through Domestic Violence should read. I have yet to read the book myself, but from what I’ve read and heard, it sounds like there were warning signs that could have prevented this monster from removing himself from “Behind Closed Doors” into becoming a monster that thousands feared. We’ve all “met” the monster, now I feel it’s time to meet the Survivor……

A story of hopeful love, turned to violence and murder

Betty Winston Bayé • October 27, 2009

One day my ex-husband and the father of my children will be executed. I am still processing this fact. … Until that day execution seems like just another word. I cannot begin to comprehend how I will feel when this day comes, but I will have to lead my children through their grief.

MILDRED MUHAMMAD,
author of ‘Scared Silent'

The man that Mildred Muhammad loved, married in 1983 and bore three children for was a charming liar and cunning manipulator. He's John Allen (Williams) Muhammad, aka “The D.C. Sniper,” who in 2002, with teenager Lee Boyd Malvo, engaged in a three-week killing spree during which 13 people were shot, 10 of them fatally. The two also are implicated in other murders in Alabama and Tacoma, Wash. Their D.C.-area victims were randomly chosen as they engaged in the most mundane things: mowing grass, pumping gasoline, walking across a mall parking lot and waiting for a school bus. Thus, the terrifying fear as people wondered who would be next.

When they met in Baton Rouge, La., John Williams cast himself as the handsome prince come to sweep Cinderella off her feet. John immediately went to work on Mildred's heart. His tears appealed to her sensitive side as did his tale of a sad childhood in New Orleans, where his mother died of breast cancer. John had big dreams and once looked Mildred in the eye and said, “I'm looking for someone to share my life.” That did it for Mildred, who said that John had her at a disadvantage because “my ideas of how a man should behave in a relationship were all romanticized and based on television, movies and hearsay.”

What Mildred didn't know was that John was already married. Buy the book to learn the rest of that story.

But in general this book is about domestic violence when there are no scars — the domestic abuse that strains the victims' credibility in some minds because there are no broken bones or blackened eyes, and because the perpetrator is such a smooth monster, and John Muhammad was certainly that. He once told his wife, “I'm going to fix it so that no one will ever believe you or want you.” Imagine that, after John Muhammad kidnapped his and Mildred's three children and fled with them to Antigua, where he stayed for 18 months. There were people who knew where her children were, but for whatever reason (maybe, they were afraid of John, too) wouldn't give Mildred any relief.

Perhaps John Muhammad suffered post-traumatic stress after serving in the Gulf War, but even before he joined the Army, there were clues that he may have been a troubled young man. When things didn't go his way — even if it was while playing tag or Monopoly with his children — John would pout and change the rules.

Mildred's story of life with an abusive man who became a notorious killer is the tale of a woman fighting desperately to save her sanity, her physical self and her children. Hers is also a story of the power of prayer and friends and strangers who intervened. At the back of the book, there are resources for domestic abuse victims, for the people who love them or who simply want to gain a better understanding of the complex issues involved. The book even includes a “safety plan” with advice on how to prepare to get away from an abusive situation and what to take when you leave.

With John Muhammad behind bars, Mildred and her children finally are free from the terror. She remarried in 2007. Her son is in college, and her two daughters plan to attend colleges of performing arts. Mildred is on the speaking circuit; she's on the board of several organizations; consults with the federal Office for Victims of Crimes; and she's created “After the Trauma” to assist victims of domestic violence.

But for all the good stuff, a fairy-tale happy ending is still elusive because, as Mildred said, there's the execution to be dealt with, and she wrote, “My brain still has difficulty coming to terms with the fact that John was going to kill me; that I am not supposed to be here. I was supposed to be a statistic. And at times, my imagination still presents me a gruesome and graphic picture of a bloody, dead me.”

Original Article

Domestic Violence is a pattern of behavior...

2009-11-01T18:42:00.000-05:00

I stumbled upon this information, and just wanted to share because of the way they put it truly goes along with the way I feel about Domestic Violence. The children that are exposed to Domestic Violence are the ones that need to most consideration and the most help and protection. Not only are they continued their exposure to domestic violence when made to have visitations with an abuser, but the damage is usually done and the next generation of abusers and victims are made. This is what we are fighting for! Yes, we are fighting to help get any Victim out of a Domestic Violence situation, but so many times we focus on only the adults, but what about the children? The children who don't have a voice because they are too young to speak out?

Too often I hear that abusers are put through "Anger Management" treatments and low and behold they are cured! If they had anger issues, it wouldn't be hidden behind closed doors but in their work place, in society, and they would have already gotten into trouble with the law before getting in trouble for Domestic Violence. Too often abusers go through this course, and then get to have visitations again with children that are already traumatized because of prior abuse, yet, the adult victim is most often made to continue the visitations or go to jail. What happened to a parent protecting their child? What happened to a Mother knowing that the children aren't safe with the abuser, yet MADE to let the children go for visitations as they sit at home in fear praying that the children come home safely.

Too often we hear "Why doesn't she just leave?" Would you leave if it could possibly cost you your children as it has so many?? Or would you stay and deal with the monster that you already know? Unfortunately, too many feel that they are safer dealing with the abuse and keeping it away from the children as much as possible, instead of running the risk of the abuser getting visitations, or worse, custody of the children and them not being able to protect them.

This part I feel says it all: "Abusive behaviors are not symptoms that someone is angry or out of control. An abuser makes a choice to exert power and control over his or her partner."

If you believe that that abuse and need of power and control ends when the victim leaves the abuser, you are sadly mistaken. Too many times it's when it begins a new cycle, and too many are paying that price...

Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence is a pattern of behavior where one partner in an intimate relationship chooses to use coercion, controlling and abusive behaviors to establish and maintain power and control over the other person. Tactics can include physical, psychological, sexual, economic, and emotional abuse. Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion, or gender. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. Domestic violence occurs in both opposite-sex and same-sex relationships and can happen to intimate partners who are married, living together, separated, or dating. According to the U.S. Dept. of Justice "Family Violence Statistics" published in June 2005, females were 84% of spousal abuse victims and 86% of abuse victims at the hands of a boyfriend.

Domestic violence not only affects those who are abused, but also has a substantial effect on family members, friends, co-workers, other witnesses, and the community at large. Children, who grow up witnessing domestic violence, are among those seriously affected by this crime. Frequent exposure to violence in the home not only predisposes children to numerous social and physical problems, but also teaches them that violence is a normal way of life - therefore, increasing their risk of becoming society's next generation of victims and abusers.

Abusive behaviors are not symptoms that someone is angry or out of control. An abuser makes a choice to exert power and control over his or her partner.

http://www.community-works.org/index.php?/cw/domestic_violence/

Domestic Violence is a pattern of behavior...

2009-11-01T18:31:00.000-05:00

Leader's son will be first to face FLDS sex assault trial

2009-10-25T21:34:00.000-04:00

First FLDS sex assault trial starts on Monday

Polygamist sect leader's son is accused of having sex with minors

By TERRI LANGFORD
HOUSTON CHRONICLE

Oct. 24, 2009, 8:16AM

DPS

Prosecutors say one wife of Raymond Merrill Jessop, 38, was younger than 18 when she gave birth.

The son of one of the most powerful families within a polygamist Mormon sect goes to trial for sexual assault Monday, a case in which Texas prosecutors will provide their first public evidence that Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints men engaged in sex with underage girls.

Raymond Merril Jessop, 38, is the first to face trial among 12 defendants who live at the sect's Yearning For Zion Ranch in Eldorado and are accused of arranging or participating in underage marriages. His father, Frederick Merril Jessop is the senior leader of the FLDS because the group's prophet, Warren Jeffs, is jailed in Utah for forcing girls into underage marriages in that state.

Both also are among the defendants in the Texas case, and each will be tried separately.

“I kept hoping this trial would go away,” said Willie Jessop, a spokesman for FLDS, who is not related to the defendant. “We're disappointed that they're moving forward with their program. We keep thinking they're going to recognize this thing as a hoax.”

The indictments are the result of documents and evidence pulled out of the YFZ ranch by the Texas Department of Public Safety after a caller, now believed to be a hoaxer, called a women's shelter in San Angelo in late March 2008. The caller claimed to be a physically and sexually abused teen-wife named Sarah.

Officials with the women's shelter notified Texas Child Protective Services and caseworkers were sent to the ranch a few days later. After seeing several young girls who were pregnant or mothers, a decision was made to remove all 439 children from the ranch, a move that was later reversed by the Texas Supreme Court.

The children were removed from the ranch and placed in foster homes across the state — an action that cost Texas taxpayers at least $12 million, authorities said. Eventually reunited with the parents, the raid on the ranch and the subsequent legal battles over their welfare ignited a national debate over religious freedom and property rights.

Sex with minor girls?

The particular charges in this first trial involve one of Jessop's nine wives whom prosecutors believe was less than 18 years of age when she gave birth to Jessop's daughter. The child was 3 years old at the time of the raid, said Willie Jessop.

The fact that the sect members “married” teenage girls younger than 18 years of age is not in dispute. The Texas Attorney General's Office will have to prove to jurors that the sect's idea of marriage involved sex with minor girls, which will not be an easy task considering that many of the children do not have birth certificates.

Last month, Deputy Attorney General Eric Nichols, the lead prosecutor, notified the court he would be introducing a number of extraneous acts and offenses in Raymond Jessop's case.

The allegations include how Jessop moved a 26-year-old pregnant wife out of the master bedroom in 1999 and moved a 19-year-old wife in; how he placed a 16-year-old wife and unborn child in danger in 2005; how he allegedly conspired with Jeffs, the church's leader, to commit acts of sexual assault and transporting a minor across state lines in 2005; alleged illegal banking activity that same year; and his reported abandonment in 2007 of nine wives and 22 children.

Reporting for jury duty

Hundreds of FLDS members who had lived along the border of Arizona and Utah for years, began moving to Eldorado in 2002 after buying 1,700 acres just northeast of the tiny town. Before the raid, Texas officials believed there were about 55 children at the ranch.

Most of the 439 were born on the ranch.

The FLDS broke from the larger Mormon Church over the issue of polygamy.

Since the raid, the FLDS members have said they are committed not to engage in underage marriages. Asked Friday whether they were living up to that commitment, Willie Jessop said he had no way of knowing what other people do.

“I don't know that,” he said.

The Schleicher County District Clerk's Office has called 300 of the county's approximate 2,800 residents to report Monday as potential jurors for the trial in Eldorado, about 400 miles northwest of Houston.

It is not known how many of the 300 potential jurors are FLDS members.

State District Judge Barbara Walther will try to seat a jury in Eldorado.

But if it is not possible, it may be necessary to move the trial to nearby San Angelo.

terri.langford@chron.com

Leader's son will be first to face FLDS sex assault trial | Houston & Texas News | Chron.com - Houston Chronicle

Strangulation attacks now carry year in jail

2009-10-25T11:42:00.000-04:00

By Jaclyn O'Malley • jomalley@rgj.com • October 25, 2009

For many victims of domestic violence, the name-calling, slapping and pushing escalates into a pair of hands gripping so tightly around their necks, they can't breathe.

Many report they believe they are dying while their brains and bodies are depleted of oxygen at the hands of a loved one. Some lose consciousness within a minute, and are lucky if they survive, domestic violence advocates say.

But a new law is giving police officers and prosecutors some teeth in charging suspects who use this potentially lethal form of abuse. As of July, the act became a felony that has a minimum sentence of one year in prison. Before the change, abusers were charged with misdemeanor domestic battery and faced a maximum of six months in jail.

More than three dozen men and two women have been arrested in Washoe County in the three months since the new law took effect.

"We now have a way of taking away an abuser's tool of asserting power against someone by cu...Read the rest of this two page article here: Strangulation attacks now carry year in jail | rgj.com | Reno Gazette-Journal

Tapping cell phones | Spyware | Mobile Phones | Spy Software - WTHR |

2009-10-25T10:52:00.000-04:00

Tapping your cell phone

Posted: Nov 13, 2008 6:39 PM EST Thursday,

Updated: Jun 29, 2009 10:58 AM EDT Monday,

NEWS LINKS

Protecting your cell phone

Cell phones and privacy protection

Bob Segall/13 Investigates

Imagine someone watching your every move, hearing everything you say and knowing where you are at every moment. If you have a cell phone, it could happen to you. 13 Investigates explains how your cell phone can be secretly hijacked and used against you - and how to protect yourself.

After four months of harassing phone calls, Courtney Kuykendall was afraid to answer her cell phone.
The Tacoma, Washington, teenager was receiving graphic, violent threats at all hours.
And when she and her family changed their cell phone numbers and got new phones, the calls continued.
Using deep scratchy voices, anonymous stalkers literally took control of the Kuykendall's cell phones, repeatedly threatened Courtney with murder and rape, and began following the family's every move.
"They're listening to us and recording us," Courtney's mother, Heather Kuykendall, told NBC's Today Show. "We know that because they will record us and play it back as a voicemail."
How is something like this possible?
Just take a look on the internet. That's where you'll find the latest spy technology for cell phones.
"Anywhere, anytime"

Spyware marketers claim you can tap into someone's calls, read their text messages and track their movements "anywhere, anytime." They say you can "catch a cheating spouse", protect your children from an evil babysitter and "hear what your boss is saying about you." And while you're spying on others, the Spyware companies say "no one will ever know" because it's supposed to be "completely invisible" with "absolutely no trace."
Security experts say it's no internet hoax.

"It's real, and it is pretty creepy," said Rick Mislan, a former military intelligence officer who now teaches cyber forensics at Purdue University's Department of Computer and Information Technology.

Mislan has examined thousands of cell phones inside Purdue's Cyber Forensics Lab, and he says spy software can now make even the most high-tech cell phone vulnerable.
"I think a lot of people think their cell phone calls are very secure but our privacy isn't always what we think it is."
Is your privacy truly at risk?
13 Investigates tested some cell phone Spyware to find out.
With the permission of WTHR producer Cyndee Hebert, 13 Investigates purchased and downloaded Spyware on her personal cell phone.
Hebert agreed to be spied on - if the spy software lived up to its bold claims.
WTHR's Spy Test
The process of downloading the software took several attempts and a great deal of patience. But once the spy program was installed, Hebert's phone could indeed be tapped into at any time - just as its distributor promised.
While Hebert was at home making phone calls to her family, investigative reporter Bob Segall was outside her house, listening to the conversations on his cell phone.
And there's more - much more.
Every time Hebert made or received a phone call, Segall received an instant text message, telling him that Hebert was talking on her cell phone so that Segall could call in and listen.
On his computer, Segall also got a copy of Hebert's text messages and a list of phone numbers detailing each incoming and outgoing call to Hebert's cell phone.
And no matter where Hebert went with her phone, Segall received constant satellite updates on her location. He could literally track Hebert anywhere she went.
"It's hard to believe you can do all that," Hebert said when she saw the spy software in action. "I think that's really scary."
It gets even scarier.

When spy software was installed onto Hebert's phone, that phone became an instant spy device - even when the phone was not being used.
As Hebert's cell phone was simply sitting on a table or attached to her purse, Segall could activate the speaker on the phone and secretly listen in to the phone's surroundings. While Hebert was in a meeting on the 36th floor of a downtown Indianapolis building, Segall heard her conversations, even though he was four miles away.
13 Investigates found more than a dozen companies willing to sell this type of cell phone spy software, which ranges in price from $60 to $3,000. The majority of the companies are located in foreign countries such as Thailand, Taiwan and the United Kingdom - and for good reason.
Most of the advertised applications for the spy software are illegal in the United States, and the existence of the software angers CTIA-The Wireless Association, an industry organization representing the nation's major cell phone manufacturers.
"These are gross violations of federal and state laws," said association spokesman Joe Farren. "It's very clear, without their express permission, you can't listen in to someone's phone calls, you cannot read their text messages, you can't track their movements. You can't do any of those things and there are numerous laws being broken."
Farren said his organization was not familiar with cell phone Spyware prior to WTHR's investigation, adding "I can tell you our lawyers and engineers are now looking into this."
Government spying
The United States government is familiar with spy software for cell phones.
In 2003 and 2004, the FBI used cell phone spy software to eavesdrop on the conversations of organized crime families in New York, and it used those conversations in its federal prosecutions.
Private investigator Tim Wilcox says several federal agencies rely on cell phone spying technology to monitor suspected criminals, and he says private citizens are now using the technology, too.
"The technology is there. It's been there a long time. It's accessible, and it's done all the time," Wilcox said.
As founder of Indianapolis-based International Investigators Inc., Wilcox says he receives daily letters and e-mails from people wanting help with "cell phone bugging," the ability to download spy software onto a cell phone, turning it into a secret listening device.
"There's only two kinds of people," Wilcox said, holding a large stack of e-mails. "One wants to bug somebody and the other has been bugged and wants to know how it's being done and how to find out and how to stop it.... it's a federal crime, but it's still happening."
The harassment eventually did stop for the Kuykendalls, but only after they brought in police and the FBI. While authorities never figured out who hijacked the family's cell phones, security experts say the case serves as a powerful lesson for others.
"Your privacy is not your privacy. It is exposed and it is exploited," Mislan said. "The key is being vigilant and knowing how to protect yourself.

How to protect yourself
Mislan suggests keeping a close eye on your cell phone so that others never get an opportunity to download information such as spy software when you're not looking. He also says it's important to install a security password on your phone to restrict anyone else from using it.
And while some Spyware marketers claim their products can be used on any make and model of cell phone, Mislan says high-end cell phones that include internet access and online capability are particularly vulnerable to Spyware tapping. To limit the ability of others to download certain types of spyware onto your phone, choose a cell phone that is not internet-accessible.
Wilcox recommends removing the battery from your cell phone when it's not being used and, for sensitive phone calls, he suggests making them on a newly-purchased cell phone that comes with a pre-paid month-to-month service plan.
Based on WTHR's test, here are some subtle signs that could suggest your cell phone is being secretly tapped:
- Cell phone battery is warm even when your phone has not been used
- Cell phone lights up at unexpected times, including occasions when phone is not in use
- Unexpected beep or click during phone conversation

To view the video, please go to the original link here: Tapping cell phones | Spyware | Mobile Phones | Spy Software - WTHR |

Abuse of moms may stunt kid's growth | Health | Reuters

2009-10-23T09:16:00.000-04:00

http://www.reuters.com/article/healthNews/idUSTRE59L4WJ20091022

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Children of abused mothers may be smaller at birth and show stunted early growth, according to research from Bangladesh.

Prior studies have shown that physical and sexual violence against women is associated with low birth weight of the offspring, as well as with an increased risk of early infant death.

To investigate further, Dr. Kajsa Asling-Monemi, at Uppsala University in Sweden, and colleagues determined the birth weight of 3,164 children and followed their early growth patterns until they were 2 years old.

Their mothers -- 4,436 altogether -- were mostly married and not employed. They were 26 years old on average at the start of the study.

Half of the mothers reported being a victim of some sort of family violence during their lives.

Fourteen percent experienced physical violence that involved slapping or shoving and 8 percent suffered more severe violence such as hitting, kicking, dragging, or choking. Eight percent of the women experienced severe violence while pregnant.

Additionally, 24 percent of the women reported some sort of sexual abuse, and another 28 percent said they had been insulted, humiliated, intimidated, or experienced other emotional abuse.

At birth, the children in the study weighed 2701 grams (about 6 pounds), on average. Overall, 33 percent were considered low birth weight, weighing less than 2500 grams (5.5 pounds) at birth. Children born to mothers reporting any type of violence tended to be in this low birth weight group.

Among children born to mothers reporting any violence, nearly 42 percent were underweight, about 13 percent were undernourished, and more than 55 percent had an impaired growth pattern known as stunting by the age of 2 years.

By contrast, among children of non-abused mothers, 37 percent were underweight, about 11 percent were undernourished, and almost 50 percent were stunted.

The association between mothers' abuse and impaired growth of their children remained strong after the investigators allowed for mother's education, number of previous births, and religion (Hindu mothers tended to have children who weighed less and were of shorter length than Muslim mothers).

Though most of the size differences between children born to abused, versus non-abused, mothers is present at birth, these findings show "violence-related growth retardation became more pronounced during the 2 years of follow up," Asling-Monemi and co-investigators point out in the Archives of Disease in Childhood.

This study, they conclude, adds to the "multitude of confirmed and plausible health consequences" caused by violence against women.

SOURCE: Archives of Disease in Childhood, October 2009

Abuse of moms may stunt kid's growth | Health | Reuters

Domestic Violence Survivor Claudine Dombrowski Speaks Openly

2009-10-21T13:33:00.000-04:00

Domestic violence is on the rise in Shawnee County

http://www.ktka.com/news/2009/oct/20/domestic_violence_rise_shawnee_county/

Story by Jessica Drew (Contact)

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED 02:59 P.M., OCTOBER 20, 2009

UPDATED 05:48 P.M., OCTOBER 20, 2009

2009-10-21T11:08:00.000-04:00

" INJUSTICE IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD"

2009-10-20T10:29:00.000-04:00

PROTECTIVE MOTHERS ALLIANCE SUPPORTS LORRAINE TIPTON

On 10/14/09, Judge David Miron, Marinette County Circuit Court, stated that a disabled mother, Lorraine Tipton (formerly Fetterly) may be jailed for 30 days, on contempt of court charges. This contempt is due to the fact that her 11 year old daughter refuses to visit her abusive father, Craig Hensberger.

In fact, the forty one year old mother is facing another contempt charge. This charge involves the father's intention to claim the child on his 2008 taxes, even though the IRS sanctioned him for claiming his child "EIC" from 1999 to 2007 unlawfully. This contempt charge would force the mother to potentially face another 30 days in county jail.

Mrs. Tipton, never married the father, Craig Hensberger, and left the abusive relationship in 2005. Since then Mrs. Tipton has moved on, married and put her life back together. Regardless, Mr. Hensberger continually has taken her back to court, three times in 12 months, regarding the 11 year old daughter's refusal to visit her abusive father.

You may recognize the name of Craig Hensberger, as the father from the news story highlighted in Fox 11, NBC 26 and other local newspapers. This story entitled "Fishy Tale" broke in March of this year. The father, Craig Hensberger, caught a fish weeks in advance, kept it alive in a fish tank and succeeded in fraudulently presently this fish to three different fishing tournaments in one weekend. The daughter won these tournaments based on her fathers hoax.
For more information on this news story, please click on this link.
http://www.nbc26.com/Global/story.asp?S=10005532

But Craig Hensberger's crimes do not end here. Previously in June 2005 this father was arrested for his second DUI in less than a year with his daughter as a passenger. In another incident the child disclosed sexual abuse about her father in 2006. Once again instead of helping the child, CPS, Aaron Krzewinksi (Guardian Ad Litem) and other court professionals placed her back into the hands of her abusive father.

CPS finally did substantiate the abuse in 2008 but the father found a loophole and was granted an administrative appeal by Oconto County Family Court Commissioner, Frank M. Calvert.

Previously, in 2007, Mr. Calvert recused himself from any proceedings regarding Mrs. Tipton due to his role as Guardian Ad Litem in her divorce/custody dispute with her ex husband.

On May 21, 2008, Mr. Calvert held a hearing, in which Mrs. Tipton was not notified. This ex parte hearing unsubstantiated the sexual abuse and attacked the character and credibility of Mrs. Tipton.

The most interesting fact on this case is that this is a "Paternity" case and the mother had sole legal custody until her former abuser, Craig Hensberger, forged her signature on a court stipulation in 2002.

The stipulation gave him "50/50" custody and forgave back child support that was owed. The Oconto District Attorney, Jay Conley, told Mrs. Tipton that "even though we know who the likely suspect is we have no proof". Because of this the District Attorney refused to investigate and/or file charges.

The refusal of the District Attorney, Jay Conley, to investigate and/or file charges prompted Mrs. Tipton to get her own hand writing analysis. The forensic hand writing analysis expert confirmed that it was not her signature. When she presented this evidence to the District Attorney these findings were minimized and ignored with Mr. Conley stating, "This only proves this is not your signature".

We at Protective Mothers Alliance support Lorraine Tipton as she is a protective mother. Protective Mothers Alliance is a "grassroots" organization founded by Lundy Bancroft and Janice Levinson. We are dedicated to ensuring the rights of children and protective mothers in family court.

For more information about the horrible injustice that is being done to Lorraine Tipton and her daughter you may visit the PMA supports Lorraine Tipton site:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php?gid=186300639921&ref=ts
You can also visit the Lundy Bancroft/ Janice Levinson Protective Mothers Alliance page:
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=58041937814#/group.php?gid=58041937814&v=info

Documentation available upon request.

Feel free to contact with any questions or concerns.

Janice Levinson
Co Founder/Co Director
Protective Mothers Alliance International
PMA....a family of advocates

Leadership Council's Child Abuse and Custody Questionnaire

2009-10-18T08:09:00.000-04:00

The Leadership Council is conducting a survey about Child Abuse and Custody. If you fit into a category where either of those pertain to you, I urge you to take this survey. Below is a little about it. It takes about 20 to 30 minutes. Without people doing the research to show that laws need to be revamped, changed or new ones all together......these laws will remain and abuse will continue to reign, with very little consequences to the abusers. Please pass this on to anyone else you think may be interested in taking this survey. Any bloggers out there? Blog it too, please!

Long URL: https://www.leadershipcouncil.org/survey/index.php?ch=d88fc6edf21ea464d35ff76288b84103
Short URL: http://bit.ly/3hf6hB

The responses on this questionnaire will be reviewed and tabulated regularly to supply information to the media, legislators and academic investigations.

The information you post is confidential and will be reviewed only by the researchers and administrators who are working with the data. It cannot be accessed by the public, and as research data is protected information.

The information from this questionnaire will be utilized for the purpose of furthering our understanding of child protection issues. Group trends will be shared, but no individual data will be shared without explicit permission from you.

Thank you very much for your efforts in helping us generate information that may protect children from abuse.

The Leadership Council is a nonprofit independent scientific organization composed of respected scientists, clinicians, educators, legal scholars, and public policy analysts. We are committed to providing professionals and lay persons with the latest scientific information on issues that may affect the public's health and safety. We also seek to correct the misuse of psychological science to serve vested interests or justify victimizing vulnerable populations -- especially abused and neglected children. The Leadership Council - Homepage

Family Violence in Canada Annual Report

2009-10-17T09:28:00.000-04:00

This is the twelfth annual Family Violence in Canada report produced by the Canadian Centre for Justice Statistics under the Federal Family Violence Initiative. This annual report provides the most current data on the nature and extent of family violence in Canada, as well as trends over time, as part of the ongoing initiative to inform policy makers and the public about family violence issues.

Each year the report has a different focus. This year, the focus of the report is a profile of shelters that provide residential services to women and children fleeing abusive situations. Data for this profile come from the Transition Home Survey, a biennial census of residential facilities for female victims of family violence in Canada.

In addition, using police-reported data, the report also presents fact sheets, data tables and figures examining spousal violence, family violence against children and youth, family violence against seniors (aged 65 years and older), and family-related homicides.

To view or download the report please visit the StatCan Website, or follow the link above.

CA victim confidential address program getting update effective Jan 2010

2009-10-17T09:21:00.000-04:00

Friday, October 16, 2009

CA victim confidential address program getting update effective Jan 2010

The California Secretary of State released today that the Safe At Home Victim Confidential Address Program is getting a much needed update to aid victims wanting a confidential name change.
Presently name changes are public records even for victims of crime including victims of domestic violence who are at a high risk for stalking, continued harassment or even death.
With the upgrade to the Safe At Home Program it is indicated that victims' in the program will be given special accommodations stemming form this legislation that will mark their name changes confidential so that they prevent publication in public records databases and datafurnishing companies.
I hope this update is actually implemented. Far too often legislation is passed and caught in what I refer to often as a, "legislative log jam" and quality life saving legislation that benefits victims' never comes to fruition, and the old saying "fail to plan, plan to fail" applies.
This is good news that CA Secretary of State is finally considering updates, I have lobbied for them for almost 5 years when I first realized how flawed the CA Safe At Home Program was and how dangerous it is for victims who rely upon it without disclaimers of its short comings.
I remain cautious and skeptical knowing that big government has big flaws and for victims of domestic violence its far too often a matter or life or death so it is always better to error on the side of safety.
A message to those reading including vulnerable victims' of domestic violence, rape and stalking please be advised it won't take much for this program update to fail. It would only take one person to miss the "confidential stamp" on the courts file or within the cover sheet of the name change paperwork to have what should have been a "confidential name change" become part of cyberspace and published within the on-line datafurnishing agencies for all (including the batterers) to see.
Proceeding with cautious optimism.
If you are a victim of crime in need of privacy protection you are not alone, please visit Survivors In Action web site.
Privacy protection is a serious matter. Whether you are a defendant who testified in a criminal case, law enforcement that tackles the bad guys or a senior wanting to prevent identity theft, privacy protection is a serious concern that everyone has to address in the very visible 21st century and Survivors In Action is here to help ensure "No Victim is Left Behind"
Survivors In Action
"No Victim Left Behind"

Alexis A. Moore: CA victim confidential address program getting update effective Jan 2010

Soldiers, family, community prevent domestic abuse

2009-10-16T14:39:00.000-04:00

Oct 15, 2009

By Cheryl Harrison

Photo credit Cheryl Harrison
Pvt. Enedina Greer, 232nd Medical Battalion, solemnly holds her candle high during a candlelight vigil and silent witness presentation, all part of the Domestic Violence Awareness and Prevention Month ceremony on Fort Sam Houston, Texas.

Related Links

STAND TO! Army Domestic Abuse Prevention/Awareness Month

National Domestic Violence Awareness Month Presidential Proclamation

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence Web site

FORT SAM HOUSTON, Texas -- In an effort to bring Domestic Violence Awareness and Prevention Month to everyone's attention, the annual opening ceremony was held here, Oct. 1 at Army Community Services.
October is the month that each year as much information as possible is presented throughout the civilian and military communities to recognize the Domestic Violence Prevention program.
Michael Waldrop, deputy to the U.S. Army Garrison commander, Fort Sam Houston, opened the ceremony with remarks and the reading of the proclamation.
"The Army is now fully cognizant that the total well being of our Soldiers is totally dependent on the well being of our Soldier's families. The quality of life and maintenance of that quality of life is important to all of us and important to the Army in a broad perspective. To meet the mission we must preserve that quality and that includes domestic violence," said Waldrop.
Each year 3.5 million violations are committed against family members. The Army has its proportionate share of that. Domestic violence is not to be condoned. Do not turn a blind eye."
During the ceremony, stories of domestic abuse were read from the female and male perspective. Silhouettes were also on display with other stories of violence against family members.
In a more poignant testimony, Sarah Small, the guest speaker, told her story of seven years of abuse by her then husband, and prince charming, who also was a member of law enforcement. Her words were ones that would echo in the minds of the listeners.
"It couldn't happen to me," said Small of her life before the abuse began. But, she found it could happen to her, and it could happen to anyone.
Small, an advocate for domestic abuse awareness, spoke from the heart as she replayed the events that led to her writing her own obituary over five years ago. However, her words weren't needed and she is a survivor of a crowbar attack to her head and face, and loaded guns put to her head and in her mouth, stabbings, punching, slaps and even the killing of her dogs as means of threatening intimidation.
Small survived the seven years of brutal abuse and today uses her story to tell others of how domestic abuse can happen to anyone. "As an 'Army of one' we need to be aware of the unusual. Ask about the sunglasses if they aren't the norm for an individual, unusual bruises, sudden withdrawal, be aware," urged Small.
Following Small's unforgettable words of terror and escape from her abuser was a candlelight vigil, a silent witness presentation in honor of the victims of domestic abuse. Members of the audience held flickering 'candles' as the Domestic Violence Awareness and Prevention ceremony came to a solemn conclusion.
Domestic Violence Awareness is something everyone needs take seriously. Survivors don't necessarily like to stand before a crowd and share their stories of abuse, but everyone needs to hear them. If they make the listeners squirm in their seats then the words have touched the heart.
From the words of the proclamation, "We need all Soldiers, civilians, family members and retirees at this installation to dedicate themselves to the prevention of domestic abuse. Everyone is called upon to be a part of the perfect combination for prevention."

Soldiers, family, community prevent domestic abuse

California's GOP vote-boycott ends, key bills pass

2009-10-15T11:39:00.000-04:00

Squabbles -- both between and within the parties -- are set aside as senators unanimously vote to restore domestic violence funding and make it easier for localities to borrow money.

Reporting from Sacramento - Setting aside political squabbles, Senate Republicans lifted their blockade on several budget bills Wednesday, voting with Democrats to approve measures that restore funding cut from domestic violence shelters and help cities and counties borrow money to balance their budgets.
Republican lawmakers had refused last month to help muster the necessary two-thirds vote for two dozen pieces of legislation in a dispute over unrelated matters.
"We've resolved the issues and we're moving forward," Senate minority leader Dennis Hollingsworth of Murrieta said after Wednesday's vote.
Lawmakers said they hope to carry the new bipartisanship into negotiations over a plan to upgrade California's water system. The Senate on Wednesday gaveled in special sessions on water and tax reform.
Senators voted unanimously to approve a measure restoring $16 million cut from the budget for 94 domestic violence shelters, forcing half a dozen shelters to close and others to reduce their services.
"We have put more families at risk," Sen. Leland Yee (D-San Francisco) said of the cuts. "When shelters close down, lives are at stake."
The spat between the two parties was not the only one that affected SB3X 13. The Democratic leadership stripped Yee's authorship of the bill... Read more here: California's GOP vote-boycott ends, key bills pass -- latimes.com

Abusers Use the Court System to Continue Victimization

2009-10-14T14:03:00.000-04:00

This is a copy of the speech written by Gail Lakritz and given today by Angela Warren at the Pueblo Colorado Conference. This speech was given to judges, police, lawyers and DV advocates.

How Abusers Use The Court System To Continue to Victimize Their Partners and Children

When a woman finally makes that decision to end the abuse and to flee the abusive situation, she rightfully expects that the police, her lawyers and the courts will protect her and her children from further harm. Being a member of the Sheriff's Posse, that is what I was thought. After all, the courts always operate solely by the law, correct? (Scan audience for nods of agreement) We all know that does not happen and that is why I was so confused by my litigation. When injustice reared its ugly head, it flew in the face of everything I thought our country stood for, and, as with most victims of abuse, I came to realize that the system is stacked against the victim.

Today, I want to speak to you about some of the ways the abuser will use the system to further the abuse during the litigation process. It is my hope that, by exposing these tactics, you will recognize in your peers, and perhaps yourselves, what is being done has real, and all too often, deadly consequences.

The litigation abuse begins the moment the abuser is arrested. He plays on the sympathy of the arresting officers. He will use excuses to enlist them in his game. He is, after all, a master at deception. He has years of practice. He is the person who can look you straight in the eye and lie. During the ride to the lock up, he will say things like "She is an alcoholic or a drug addict", "She is always picking on the kids" or "She takes all the money and spends it on herself and we never have enough to eat." Anything that will garner sympathy and sway them to lessen the severity of what is written in the arrest report. And, being taught to spot the antagonist of a situation as they true perpetrator of the situation, the police officer, who is generally male, will empathize with the abuser, and slant his report to favor the abuser. He will ignore what he has been taught, that the victim is most often the one who is hysterical and angry at having been attacked and side with the often calm and rational sounding architect of the situation. And the abuser has gained his first needed corner stone to further the abuse, for in the future, any calls to 911 will be met with skepticism by the police and all future reports of violence will be seen as insane acts by the actual victim.

During the booking process and his appearance for arraignment, when the victim is not present to hear what is being said to the magistrate, he will again repeat his reasons for the attack. Laying the blame on the victim. Now he has widened his circle of conspirators. Word will filter from these people to the Bailiff and on to the judge that there were "extenuating circumstances" that predicated the attack.

Now, as we all know, the key to any successful litigation is money. With money, comes the right lawyers and a venue that is considered to be the "home turf" for that lawyer. Abusers control the money, therefore, they can afford the lawyers who consider winning to be the sole measure of success, not the just application of the law.

In each court system in America, there are lawyers that are known to be the "dirty trick" lawyers. They are the ones who use often unethical and illegal means to deny the Constitutional Rights of a litigant and victim. They will look the other way, or outright encourage, the use of terror tactics against a victim. Judges and other lawyers within the local Bar Association know who these practitioners are will look the other way. In some court systems, judges will actually instruct new lawyers with "I don't care what you do in my courtroom so long as I am not investigated" leaving the avenue open for them to ply their brand of law in any manner they see fit. The idea is to win, not to be just. The abuser will seek out these lawyers, perhaps getting the name of one from a police officer or someone else in the system who just happens to be overheard talking or from another inmate in the lock up.

So now, the abuser has assembled his "dream team". The police, the dirty tricks lawyer and the complacent judge. What more could he ask for than to have swayed the system and set the victim up for further abuse? The abuser will get a slap on the wrist, be sent to Anger Management and, in some jurisdictions, have his record of abuse sealed. In Anger Management, the prep will learn new and better ways of abusing. He will learn to abuse without leaving the outward marks that would land him back in jail. He will hone his skills, through the knowledge passed on by other perpetrators attending these sessions. The things that worked for them will be shared in group in the form of "I reacted to the situation by...." You fill in the blank, as each and every one of you know the tactics, know how the pain can be caused both mentally and physically to a victim without leaving the marks or a trail of abuse.

The first thing the abuser will do after being released from jail is to widen his circle of allies. His dirty tricks lawyer has instructed him to get out in front of his victim, and being the superior liar that he is, he is only too willing to accommodate. Generally, abusers are loners, having few friends and having disassociated themselves from family. He has allowed only minimal if any contact between his victim and her family. He will suddenly become the "social butterfly" contacting people to enlist their help, always with the story of having been the victim in the situation. Neighbors that were shunned by him in the past are now become his confidants. Whispers of abuse by the victim are passed from one person to another. This serves two purposes. It provides a support system for the abuser as well as removing any hope of support for the victim.

The next step to the tried and true method of using the system to abuse is to make the victim seem insane to the system. The abuser or one of his allies will begin the relentless process of attacks that are designed to discredit. Break-ins of the home of the victim are a common means as are well placed phone calls where the abuser uses threats, such as the victim never seeing her children again. An abuser will actually enlist the help of the unwitting child, promising rewards of gifts or, if teenagers, no boundaries to live by. The abuser will reward the child for such things as removing evidence against the abuser from the victims home, lying to police or being complacent about what was witnessed in an incident. Often, no system of reward is needed. It is fear of the abuser, that places the child in the unenviable situation of having to lie. The child senses what will cause the wrath of the abuser to rise against them. If you come away from this presentation with anything, this is the one piece of information I hope you retain. The cycle of abuse is learned and continued by this one tactic alone, using the children as tools of abuse. Any person within the system who even suggests that the abuser use this tactic is guilty of nothing less than murder. (Scan the audience to see who is squirming or looks disinterested and focus your eyes on them for a split second. They are a guilty party.)

Police, having been repeatedly told that the victim is insane, will respond to such things as break-ins as a sign that the abuser is correct in his assessment of the victim. All too often, the abuser will leave something that informs the victim he was there, but at the point in time that the police are called, the victim will not know what is missing, if anything. Sometimes the victim will find veiled death threats, a picture that only the victim and her abuser knows the meaning of, a cartoon left on the computer screen, that is meant to frighten and intimidate. A tire will be slashed when her car is hidden from public view, mementos that have little or no monetary value will be missing. Reporting these incidents to the police enforce the abuser's position. And, when the victim turns to her lawyer for help, if she has one, she is told to ignore all violations of her home and person. You see, it takes two lawyers to execute a well choreographed legal Tango, and by this time, the repeated calls to the police by the victim, the well placed lies by the perpetrator, and, with the assistance of the complacent judge, her lawyer has been won over to not assist in any meaningful manner. Thus the victim is turned into the abuser and seen only as a source of possible revenue for her own lawyer who will offer little if any assistance in seeing that justice is blind, not blinded by gold. ( Pick out a person you have predetermined to be guilty and look directly at them)

During the actual litigation process, there will be a number of players that will be easily swayed by the events that have lead up to this process. GALs and CLRs are swayed by having contact with the abuser and his ever growing stable of allies, lawyers, police and judges. If the children are afraid of the abuser, they dare not say anything to these people that would endanger themselves. Social workers, mental health professionals, even medical doctors who rely on the system for income will not oppose the well built facade of the abuser and his well scripted theater of abuse.

At this point, I would like to see a show of hands. How many of you are judges? Please raise your hands. Keep your hands raised, please. How many are police officers? Keep your hands raised, please. How many of you are lawyers who represent abuse victims exclusively? Good, now if you could all stand up and look around. Do you recognize people from your own court systems in this room? Isn't it nice to know that some of the people who are not standing could, and I emphasis the word could, be manipulating you? (Pause for about 10 seconds) Thank you, you may all be seated.

How do the dirty tricks lawyers actually manipulate? First, talk is cheap, and the dirty tricks lawyer and his client never seem to run out of voice. They will take every chance to influence the judge and the opposition lawyer if there is one, the GAL and CLR, the therapist and mental health evaluator , the social worker, shelter workers and people in the Court Clerk's office. Ex parte is common and rampant in any court system. It can't be stopped unless you, the judges, choose to stop it. A few well placed words prior to the opening of court, the happened, but planned, introduction of the abuser to you prior to proceedings so that you can see how likeable this person is and to get his side, again getting out ahead of the opposition in the litigation. Tools used to put a human face on an inhuman act of violence.

During the early stages of the litigation, the dirty tricks lawyer and an abuser will go for the "all or nothing" approach to a custody question. The abuser, and his lawyer, being confident in the groundwork they have already laid, will not present a parenting plan. They will often seek to move out of the jurisdiction, often so far away from the abused, as to effectively terminate all parental rights. The abused, on the other hand will present a generous plan which will include more time with the abuser than a court would normally mandate. The judge, being the Solomon of the court, knows he cannot split a child down the middle, will have to award temporary custody to one parent or another, and this is usually to the person who already has "possession" of the child at the time of the hearing. (make the hand sign for quotes when you say the word possession). If the victim was forced to flee without the child, or if the child happens to be visiting the abuser at the time of the hearing, guess who gets the temporary custody? Yup, the abuser.

This is the beginning of the motions process. The abuser's lawyer will file motions with the court, often filing them back to back, and always asking for contempt sanctions against the victim. If the victim is unrepresented, this confuses and terrorizes her. If she is one of the fortunate ones, one of the women who was able to afford a lawyer, and motions and subpoenas are filed on her behalf, they are ignored by the dirty tricks lawyer. In the meantime, if she is Pro Se, her filings are ignored by the clerk's office or disappear all together. It never ceases to amaze me how often victims report missing filings, even whole files of proceedings that have gone missing. I can only surmise how it could happen, all of which violate state law. When she asks for a subpoena which must go through the courts for approval, the subpoena that is received for service contains errors made by the person who entered it into the system, precluding the effectiveness of that subpoena. These errors would only be obvious to a trained lawyer, thereby giving the dirty tricks lawyer a reason to quash.

The motions process will offer more ample opportunities for the dirty tricks lawyer to ply his trade. He will mail important filings to the wrong address, often transposing the actual numbers, to prevent receipt in time for rebuttal. He will refuse to accept mail from the Pro Se and then claim that it was not sent to him. He will state a date and time verbally, but put another date and time in writing, often bolding it to attract attention to the erroneous information. He will send a copy of a minor issue in a motion, with proof of mailing, and have a second copy hand served. The problem with this is that he has actually filed two separate motions with the court, one of paramount importance and the one of minor importance. He will then have proof of two separate deliveries to the victim and state that the one hand served was in reference to the major issue while the one mailed was in reference to the minor issue. Of course, he will blame all of this on the victim. She gave me the wrong address, I never got it, she was served and I have the proof.

Depositions are an extremely useful tool for the trickster. Though most states follow the rules of the Federal Courts for deposition, tricksters do not. As all lawyers know, the only time depositions should be used is when information cannot be gotten by subpoena. The dirty tricks lawyer will force deposition to make the victim face her abuser in an environment controlled by the trickster. One deposition trick will be to inform the pro se that a date and time for a deposition of his client has been set. He will send a list of questions to be asked, and state that the deposition will be limited to these questions. This offers the opportunity to pound the Pro Se with intimidation and terrorist tactics of threats. It also forces the Pro Se into setting up a second deposition of her own. Not knowing that it is not required to submit questions in advance, the Pro Se will dutifully submit the entire list of questions to the trickster, giving him time to concoct answers that would favor him. And lest the abuser make a mistake, there is nothing to worry about. The Court Reporter in attendance is one favored by the lawyer. One only need to Google the search term "Changed Transcripts" to confirm this is a common practice. The number of hits are well in excess of 7,000,000.

Proffers are useful when it comes to the dirty tricks lawyer. It is not uncommon for them to submit Proffers to the Pro Se that are never filed with the courts. These are filled with the lies that the abuser intends on in court and are designed to see which arguments are going to be used to counteract the lies in court.

Surprise witnesses are the life blood of the trickster. No subpoena has been issued to these people to appear, but they just happen to be in the area when the court date came up. Judges have a duty to curtail the use of these convenient witnesses, but seldom do, preferring to overrule objections. Often, they are nothing more than hired guns for the defense, parroting whatever the trickster wants them to say. There is often no rebuttal for their testimony, as the Pro Se or her lawyer had no time to prepare for their appearance.

Witness tampering is blatantly illegal but used by the dirty trick lawyer and his client at every turn. All that is needed is for the potential witness to be mislead with a story of the victim being the true abuser, and after all, if they testify, they would be putting the children, and perhaps themselves, in danger. Surely, anyone in their right mind would not want to testify under these circumstances, given that few people are willing to testify in the first place. If that doesn't work, there is intimidation of the witness. Most people have something in their backgrounds they would prefer no one find out. The dirty tricks lawyer is a master at using innuendo and sources like police, family and acquaintances to find that one skeleton. If that doesn't work, there is always the avenue of the witness's employer. Innuendo can be placed in letters to the employer from the lawyer stating that this or that has never been cleared.

In his bag, the dirty trick lawyer and his client rely on the assistance of Child Protective Services. If a direct call from his client does not produce the desired response, there is always the "innocent and disconnected" third party report. These reports can vary from the upper end of sexual abuse or exploitation of the child to reports that the mother is furnishing drugs to the child to such things as a child being left alone. In one case I know of, the GAL was talked into calling CPS when a teenage boy overdosed. What the GAL forgot to report was that the 15 year old had arrived from his father's home with a plastic bag full of pills, and when the mother discovered them, he grabbed them and downed them in an attempt to get rid of the evidence. The same mother was accused of leaving the than 16 year old alone for two hours by the same GAL. Again the GAL left out a very important fact. The child was at the home of a friend.

Court orders are often altered to reflect what the attorney and abuser wants. One mother, while living here in Colorado heard a knock on her door one day. The father, who had never once exercised his visitation, had moved five years previously to Washington state. He went to the local Colorado police with an altered court order for full custody of the son, than 7 years old. No one questioned the validity of the order, in fact, the police were only too willing to help him in removing the child from the mother. She never saw her son again. She was able to locate him last year in a suburb of Seattle, but now 20, he has had it drilled into his head that she wanted nothing to do with him and had willing given him up.

If all else fails, there is always the use of Parental Alienation to fall back on. Dr. Richard Gardner, using no identifiable research and much to the consternation of all recognized authorities, first placed this Syndrome in the minds of the courts to discredit mothers and to help men save on alimony and child support payments. We are all familiar with the theory that states that the mother is toxic to the relationship between the father and his children and that the only true cure for this toxicity is to severely limit visitation or to remove it all together. Abusers and their attorneys love to use PAS. It is one of the most effective forms of abuse of the victim.

Through all the court abuse, and I have only touched on some of the verifiable things that women suffer in the courtroom, there is a continued onslaught from the abuser. Stalking, break-ins, destruction of property and threats of further harm to the victim are normal. Checks for alimony or child support that are never received are also widely reported. Harassment is an ongoing problem to the victim. Planting seeds of doubt of a mother's love for her child in the child's mind, any avenue an abuser can think of will be used.

All of this for one objective, to carry on the abuse. And, the players in the courtroom are all aiders and abettors to that abuse, whether they realize it or not. The crimes we allow these people to get away with are crimes that are punishable by law, and by each and every one of you allowing them to be predicated on victims of violence, you are taking part in those crimes.

Now, as one last thing, I would like some of you to take part in a fun little exercise to reinforce some of what you have heard here today. I would ask that every judge in the audience stand up and glace around the room. I want you to pick out a person here that you do not know and walk over to them and without saying a word, I want you to grasp their hand and shake it. (Wait for them to do this)

Now, again without giving this person your name, I want you to whisper in their ear the year, color and make and model of the car your closest loved one drives. Now, I want you, without giving the city or town you live in, to tell them the street address of that person. Good. You have just given someone who may be a trickster lawyer or an abuser all the information they need. You have just put your loved one in danger, possibly signing that their death warrant. Think about it and try to have a nice day.

Nov 2009 DV Blog Carnival- How does DV effect children - anonymiss

2009-10-08T16:04:00.000-04:00

Copied from Anonymiss

Nov 2009 DV Blog Carnival- How does DV effect children

Posted October 8, 2009

The Domestic Violence Blog Carnival that we set up is now accepting article submissions for the edition that will be posted on November 2nd 2009.

This editions theme is The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children. To submit an article please visit the submission page: http://blogcarnival.com/bc/submit_8381.html. The November edition will be hosted here at Anonymiss.

To view last months edition please visit the UAADV News Blog Domestic Violence Blog Carnival October 2009

If you have a suggestion for an upcoming theme or would like to host the blog carnival for an upcoming month, please send an email to: contactanonymiss@gmail.com with your suggestoins.

Nov 2009 DV Blog Carnival- How does DV effect children - anonymiss

Real Men Don’t Campaign

2009-10-08T14:27:00.000-04:00

Real Men Don't

by: Gail Lakritz

Every October reminds us that domestic violence still exists With Domestic Violence Awareness Month in America. Statistics show that it may be more prevalent than reported. In the United Kingdom, only 56.8% of incidents are reported by women.¹ This suggests that the United Nations reporting of 28% of women whose lives are effected by violence in this country may actually be in the area of 50%.

In order to reduce that number, it is important to re-educate the public on the issue of violence against women in this country. So far, the task has been limited to a few women's organizations that have had little or no effect on the problem. Devoting money to educate women is an important act in preserving her life and the lives of her children, but it does not break the cycle. The cycle begins with the abuser, not the victim.

To this end, targeting the abuser by making the abuser aware that they are the real problem, I suggest that all victims join in a campaign to enlighten the public and lawmakers. I am suggesting that all victims begin by asking the national men's sports organizations to take up the mantle of an awareness campaign entitled "Real Men Don't".

Why the title "Real Men Don't"? Real men do not need to feel superior to women. They are secure in their lives and understand that violence is not needed to ensure their personal security.

Why sports organizations? Simple, most men watch sports. Abusers feed on the violence in sports. A "Real Men" campaign would target the very audience that needs to be reached to end the violence.

The following is an email that I sent this morning to the National Football League. If every victim in America, which I personally estimate to be between 3,000,000 to 6,000,000 women per year, were to send this or a similar email to the NFL alone, they would see the prudency in supporting such a campaign.

I was wondering why the NFL and other male oriented sports organizations do not help in the fight against violence predicted on women? So many of your players have been involved in these acts, why not go public and support women in ending the violence?

I thank you in advance for understanding that you are a major player who could have a real influence in the battle to end the violence. Perhaps a campaign entitled "Real Men Don't" and a devotion of commercial spots during your games would set you a cut above all the other sports organizations.

I can see such a campaign as, not only a source of education to the problem, but as the impetus for the application of peer pressure. With it, expanded campaigns could include "Real Policemen Don't", the education of the importance of writing accurate police reports and of arresting perpetrators of violence against women. "Real Lawyers Don't" for the education of lawyers and GALs in the area of Domestic Violence and not allowing plea deals. "Real Judges Don't", an education for judges on the mental conditions that these people have and the importance of not protecting them. "Real Lawmakers Don't", informing lawmakers of the importance of writing stricter laws on Domestic Violence.

Note from the author: I, Gail Lakritz, grant permission for this article to be reproduced in any form of media that furthers the idea of the "Real Men Don't" campaign.

American Humane: Email - Cat helps prove child abuser's guilt

2009-10-07T09:56:00.000-04:00

Original: http://site.americanhumane.org/site/MessageViewer?em_id=29362.0&dlv_id=22301

One Abuser, Two Victims

When 9-year-old Beth* was sexually abused by her stepfather, she told the prosecuting attorney that someone else knew about it -- but that he couldn’t talk. She was referring to her beloved cat, Oreo.

Beth explained that Oreo would bravely lie outside her door at night and hiss whenever her attacker appeared. In trying to protect her, the loyal black and white cat also became another victim of violence; Beth’s stepfather would always brutally kick Oreo away from the door.

Beth’s revelation gave the prosecutor an idea. She decided to have Oreo examined by a veterinarian. The results were chilling. Sure enough, poor Oreo had sustained injuries consistent with being physically abused.

When the prosecutor submitted the veterinarian’s report to the jury as evidence showing a pattern of violence in the home, Beth’s allegations gained credibility. In a way, Oreo was able to testify, convincing the jury that the traumatized little girl had been telling the truth.

Beth’s stepfather was convicted and received a long prison sentence. Meanwhile, Beth and Oreo were finally able to experience what every child and animal deserves: a safe home.

Help Empower Victims Like Beth and Oreo

The prosecutor in Beth’s case was Allie Phillips, who now works for American Humane as vice president of our Public Policy Office. She and our staff regularly conduct trainings for attorneys, judges, veterinarians, social workers, domestic-violence counselors and other social services providers on what American Humane calls The Link® between violence to people and violence to animals, increasing awareness of the powerful role it can play in unmasking and preventing abuse.

It’s a vital message -- one that Allie and our Link team are uniquely qualified to spread on behalf of abuse victims everywhere. But she can’t do it alone.

Please help Allie and our team continue to educate others about The Link and stop the cycle of violence affecting innocent people and animals alike. Donate today!

*This is a true story. However, the child’s name has been changed to protect her privacy.

American Humane: Email - Cat helps prove child abuser's guilt

A Plea From Protective Mothers

2009-10-06T11:04:00.000-04:00

Domestic Violence Blog Carnival October 2009

2009-10-01T19:42:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the October 2009 edition of Domestic Violence Blog Carnival. This months edition covers Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Each of the articles below cover DVAM in a general sense while adding a personal touch with either history of the month or ideas for what you can do during the month to support awareness and prevention.

From this months blog carnival bloggers:

Take Time to Observe Domestic Violence Awareness Month written by Retha Fielding and posted at the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

She Will Be Loved...written by Lorraine Tipton and posted at Mama Liberty’s Weblog

Where is Your Purple Gonna Be? written by Mary Morgan and posted at Tailored Life Coaching.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month is October written by and posted at Chaos Theory

The War On Women written by Gail Lakritz and posted at RightsForMothers

Domestic Violence or Just an Argument? written by Ashley Waller and posted at Obstreperous Expressions

From the blog carnival Organizer: October is DVAM submitted by Anonymiss

From this months blog carnival Host: The Allstate Foundation and Tell a Gal P.A.L submitted by UAADV News Blog

To find out more information about the Domestic Violence Blog Carnival, submit articles for upcoming editions, or find and read editions please go to the Domestic Violence Blog Carnival Page or email contactanonymiss@gmail.com the originator of this carnival.

Thank you to all the bloggers and readers that have supported us in hosting the October 2009 Domestic Violence Blog Carnival!

Call for artistic VOICES

2009-09-30T07:31:00.000-04:00

We were asked to post the below in an effort to spread the word about this. Please read and pass it on to all you think would be interested! If you would like to participate in this please use the contact information contained in the website given below.

My name is Michelle Major.

I am a mother, a teacher, an artist.

I am also a survivor of domestic violence.

In August 2008, my husband tried to murder me in an act of domestic violence. Before beating me and strangling me to unconsciousness, he took a butcher knife and slashed ninety-four of my paintings. Through my artwork, I have moved from victim to survivor and I have turned my second chance at life into advocating for victims of domestic violence. I am spreading my story by sharing my butchered artwork through gallery showings and speaking engagements. I have turned this passion for shining a light onto the ugliness of domestic violence into an organization called BAVA: Be A Voice Arts to provide healing through artistic expression.

For Domestic Violence Awareness Month, BAVA is hosting an "Artist Trading Card" challenge. An ATC is a small card, about the size of a playing card on which people write , draw, paint, collage, use photographs and more. ATC's are a worldwide art form where people often have 'groups' , create 'themes', and then create miniature works of art to trade and collect. They are almost like modern day baseball cards to some folks! I have complete details on my website: http://www.beavoicearts.com/i-have-a-voice-atc-challenge (***There is a 5.00 participation fee that will be waived if someone participates through a group home, therapy session, or some other type of organization designed to promote their healing). BAVA wants their voice, not their money!!

The theme is "I HAVE A VOICE!".

My creative vision for these ATC's is this:

I want to create a work of art where the cards hang on my wedding dress as an interactive gallery piece. The reason I am creating this wedding VOICE piece comes as an outcropping of a painting I did called "Til Death". 'Til Death' is a painting of me as a bride, tortured and hopeless, with 'X's" over the mouth to symbolize the secret and shame and inability to speak up during a relationship of abuse. After viewing that portrait, one would think that my wedding dress would be a symbol of the loss of hopes and dreams for a marriage and a future, yet in actuality, the dress will be transformed to symbolize the literal artistic VOICES that have come together as one to "Speak Up Against Domestic Violence". I want to hang all the submitted cards from the dress skirt and viewers can come up, turn the cards over in their hands, move around the piece and experience the "Voices!" I am hoping to generate enough response to fill up the skirt. I think it will be a very powerful piece and full of hope!

Help me fill the dress with YOUR artistic voice. You may save a life!

Michelle

call for artistic VOICES.docx

The Allstate Foundation and Tell a Gal P.A.L

2009-09-29T16:46:00.000-04:00

The Allstate Foundation is once again running Tell a Gal P.A.L and ClickToEmpower.org The Allstate Foundation supports survivors through resources targeted to build financial independence and educates the public on how hard it is for people to leave an abusive relationship without economic resources.
SHARE YOUR STORY
Readers can share stories of overcoming domestic violence or helping a “gal pal” in need at ClickToEmpower.org. Readers who submit stories can enter to receive a limited edition Tell a Gal P.A.L. t-shirt as worn by Mira Sorvino on the Web site. Share Your Story

DONATE A SUIT (Sep. 28-Oct. 9)
Domestic violence survivors often find themselves with limited means to get back into the workforce and attain financial security. The Allstate Foundation is encouraging Americans to drop off nearly new women’s business suits to benefit survivors from September 28 to October 9 at select Allstate locations across the country. Donated suits will be given to local domestic violence organizations and Dress for Success affiliates to outfit domestic violence survivors with confidence as they enter or re-enter the workforce. Donation Site Search

Domestic Violence Awareness Month Blog Carnival

2009-09-27T16:38:00.000-04:00

Hi All, we have been honored by Anonymiss to kick off their new domestic violence blog carnival by hosting the first edition of the carnival.

The first edition will be posted here on October 1st, 2009. This edition will cover everything relating to Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM). So, to kick of your DVAM activities, please make sure to come back and read the carnival on the 1st!

If you have an article about DVAM general information or activities that you would like to submit we are accepting submissions until the 30th of September 2009. You can get more guidance or submit your article HERE, or you can email a permalink to your article with a brief description to UAADV.National@gmail.com

If you are wondering what a blog carnival is, you can go HERE, and read about it. If you would like more specifics about the Domestic Violence Blog Carnival go HERE. If you would like to submit an article visit the carnival main link and then click submit an article in the upper right corner. If you are having difficulties you can contact the carnival organizer by either using the links provided or directly at contactanonymiss@gmail.com

Please share this post with anyone that you know that would either have an article for submission or those that may benefit from reading the DVAM edition post on the 1st.

DV Survivor Speaks out

2009-09-23T20:31:00.000-04:00

All women and teen girls need to watch this short news clip! Please pass on to any female you know. With Domestic Violence Awareness Month right around the corner this is the perfect time to share this story with all that you know.
A North Idaho woman, Rose Turner, nearly killed in a shootout with her estranged husband, Rick Turner, is now speaking out to about her personal experience with domestic violence as a warning to others.

The New Agenda ACTION ALERT: SENATOR SLASHER!

2009-09-16T13:03:00.000-04:00

Please visit the below Action Alert on the New Agenda Blog to leave your comments. Link is below the address for the judge!

ACTION ALERT: SENATOR SLASHER!

September 16, 2009
by The New Agenda closeAuthor: The New Agenda Name: agenda
Email: editor@thenewagenda.net
Site: http://thenewagenda.net
About: See Authors Posts (225)

16 September 2009 One Comment

The following ACTION ALERT has been sent this morning from The New Agenda. If you would like to sign up to receive email alerts (including action alerts, media alerts and member alerts) please sign up here.
Dear Friends:

Let’s Join NOW NY and Take Action!
Next Monday, NY State Senator Hiram Monserrate stands trial for slashing his girlfriend’s face — an attack captured by video cameras in the apartment lobby. Sen Monserrate continues to serve in public office despite being indicted on six counts of assault!

Read more about this horrific case in Amy’s Daily Beast article Did This Senator Beat Up His Girlfriend?.

Now it’s time for action!

Write or call the judge and let him know how important it is that perpetrators of violence against women be punished:

Hon. William M. Erlbaum
Supreme Court, Queens County
125 01 Queens Blvd.
Kew Gardens, NY 11415
(718) 298-1401
( And let us know that you did by leaving a comment! )

We’re A Voice for All Women:
Nancy and Jennifer spoke out on a harmful op-ed written about AG Martha Coakley; while Amy spoke out in The Daily Beast about the importance of electing a qualified woman to Massachusetts’ senate seat.

Cynthia spoke out about feminism vs. racism and that neither political party is the party of women.

Anna Belle was honored in Today’s Women.

Amy called for UNITY and a ceasefire in the mommy wars at MORE — the keys to gender equality are right in our own hands.

How Can YOU Help?
Become a charter member, and if you have spare time, please volunteer!

Your Friends At
The New Agenda

The New Agenda » Blog Archive » ACTION ALERT: SENATOR SLASHER!

Where is your purple gonna be?

2009-09-16T08:07:00.000-04:00

I usually dye my hair purple for Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM) which is October, and I choose purple because that is the awareness color of Domestic Violence (DV). People always stop me in public and ask me why my hair is purple; cause I do NOT look the type you’d think would normally have purple hair. When they ask, I get the chance to tell them!! Others aren’t so pushy with it and just hang purple lights around their house or purple ribbons on their cars.

Each year around this time I try to write up something about DVAM being just around the corner. I like to make people aware of this month to encourage them to get involved in activities in their local areas. Now is the time to start looking into what activities the DV agencies are hosting during the month of October, so that you can plan and won’t miss the event you want to attend or help with.

I feel that as a society we should be ‘aware’ of domestic violence year round. However, I also realize that by setting aside a certain month to view a certain issue gives us time to focus on and process the information we receive during that specific month. I encourage everyone to become involved in community programs through out the year, which are focused on preventing DV.

If you are not already involved in your local community or surrounding area with helping in the areas of DV Awareness and/or prevention, or helping the victims of DV then the following may be some ways in which you can get involved. This is a general list to give you ideas. If you would like more specific options on how you can help, please contact your local DV Shelter or State Domestic Violence Coalition.

Here is the post that I posted last year and I feel it still works, so I’m giving it to ya again!

So... I get asked: "Great, you tell me to help DV victims during awareness month, but how am I supposed to do that when I have never even met a DV victim?"

There are many people that would be more than willing to do something during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, however they just aren't sure what to do, or where or when or how...

This list is copied from this ARTICLE.

In your place of worship
1. Encourage information about domestic abuse in the congregation's programs, youth groups, marriage preparation, study groups, etc.
2. Establish a committee to promote awareness of the problem and how the congregation can help.
3. Organize a drive to collect food, toiletries, household goods and other needed items for a local domestic violence service.

In your workplace
4. Display posters or brochures (in break rooms, restrooms, or meeting rooms) to promote awareness of domestic abuse and how to get help.
5. Organize a Brown Bag lunch or other event for co-workers and invite a speaker to talk about solutions to the problem.
6. Ask what policies your employer has developed to keep employees safe from a domestic abuser who threatens the workplace.

In schools and daycare
7. Encourage the editor of the school newspaper to have a special issue about teen dating violence and partner abuse.
8. Write a paper about domestic violence to share with students.
9. Educate teachers and other staff about the connection between child abuse and partner abuse.

In civic organizations, clubs or neighborhoods
10. Invite a speaker to educate organization members about domestic violence.
11. Organize a fundraising event or food/toiletries drive to benefit a domestic violence service agency.
12. Publish information about domestic violence and available resources in the newsletter.
13. "Adopt" a family seeking independence from an abuser, to assist with practical needs.

As a Citizen
14. Ask your local library to stock books on domestic violence and to set up displays to educate the public about the issue.
15. Speak out against domestic abuse: Expressing your view that domestic violence is unacceptable has a powerful effect on changing the norms that support abuse.
16. Write letters to newspaper editors or send commentaries to TV and radio to help raise awareness about domestic violence.
17. Vote for public leaders who take a strong stand against domestic abuse.
18. Call 911 if you see or hear a crime of domestic abuse in progress. Write down license plate numbers, locations, and any other information that may be helpful to law enforcement.
19. Volunteer with a domestic violence service. Organizations need help with office activities, fund raising events, technical and professional services and assistance to clients.
20. Donate used clothing and household goods to a program that gives these vital items to families seeking independence from an abuser.
21. Participate in neighborhood crime watch programs.

Hang information flyers and/or awareness flyers in public restrooms, or anywhere else you think would they would be noticed. Now keep in mind that you don't have to stop doing some of this stuff after October! By all means...continue your efforts throughout the year.

The more the merrier!

So in stating this, I implore all of you out there to stand up and do something for domestic violence victims not only in October, but throughout the year. Turn these victims into proud SURVIVORS!!! Give them some hope and some help. To borrow a phrase used quite often, give them a hand-up not a hand-out.

All of these are really general and will take some research, time and effort on your part. But, the way I look at it is this...the time I take to do even one of these activities just may save someone's life.....so are a few minutes of your life worth the life of another?

Domestic violence victims have a "pre-existing condition"

2009-09-12T11:37:00.000-04:00

5:03 PM Eastern - September 11, 2009 By Maria Tchijov
Insurance companies have used the excuse of "pre-existing conditions" to deny coverage to countless Americans. From cancer patients to the elderly suffering from arthritis, these organizations have padded their profit margins by limiting coverage to patients deemed "high risk" because of their medical condition.
But, in DC and nine other states, including Arkansas, Idaho, Mississippi, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oklahoma, South Carolina, South Dakota, and Wyoming, insurance companies have gone too far, claiming that "domestic violence victim" is also a pre-existing condition.
Words cannot describe the sheer inhumanity of this claim. It serves as yet further proof that our insurance system is broken, destroyed by the profit-mongering of the very companies who's sole purpose should be to provide Americans with access to care when they need it most. In 1994, an informal survey conducted by the Subcommittee on Crime and Criminal Justice of the United States Senate Judiciary Committee revealed that 8 of the 16 largest insurers in the country used domestic violence as a factor when decided whether to extend coverage and how much to charge if coverage was extended.
It is clear that insurance companies refuse to police themselves. It's up to us to call on Congress to take action now to pass health care reform and end discrimination against patients with pre-existing conditions.

SEIU - Service Employees International Union - Domestic violence victims have a "pre-existing condition"?

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2009-09-01T08:56:00.000-04:00

Things are changing around here at the UAADV News Blog! We are un-cluttering the sidebars, adding some features, and moving the main website over to integrate the two.
First let’s talk about the Friend Connect Social bar that you now see at the bottom of the window. This replaces the Followers module, where here it does! You can still Follow Us or Sign in over on the left of this bar.

Want to be friends with someone here? Then look to the far right of the Social Bar and click ‘members’; followers are now members. You can click each thumbnail to view that member and which blogs they follow, and add them as a friend.

Want to leave a comment about the entire site? Or ask a question in general? You can now do so with the Social bar. Find the ‘comments’ just to the left of the ‘members’; click there and leave your comment. It will show in the timeline for the entire blog (largest section of the Social bar). You can of course still comment on each blog post just like always!

As for moving the main UAADV website over and integrating it, this will take us some time. Please be patient with us as we get this done. Once this is done you will be able to use the tabs across the top of the blog to access the many informational articles that were on the main website.
You probably already noticed that there is a new tab at the top “UAADV Network”. This tab will take you off the blog and into the UAADV Network that is set up on the Ning platform. This is a social network within Ning much like other social networks. There you can have your own profile, enter discussions in a forum area, join groups, have chats and many other things.
As always, if you have questions regarding how to access or use any of these features please don’t hesitate to ask! UAADV is for YOU, so let us know how YOU want to use it!
UAADV is for victims, survivors and advocates alike!

Violence UnSilenced

2009-08-18T08:18:00.000-04:00

Do you feel like you are the only one in your situation?

Do you want to share your story (even anonymously)?

Are you a blogger that that writes/read domestic violence pieces?

If any of these apply to you then you should check out: Violence UnSilenced where you can read stories of survivors, share your own story, or take the pledge!

Violence, Abuse and Trauma Conference

2009-08-17T14:43:00.000-04:00

The below is copied from: http://www.ivatcenters.org/Conferences.htm if the links to the info below aren’t working here please visit their website to obtain the information you are looking for!

14th International Conference on Violence, Abuse and Trauma

September 21- 26, 2009
Town and Country Resort & Convention Center
San Diego, CA

CONFERENCE VENUE
Town and Country Resort & Convention Center
500 Hotel Circle North
San Diego, CA 92108
T: 619-291-7131 F: 619-291-3584

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER

QUESTIONS
IVAT Conferences
Institute on Violence, Abuse, and Trauma
10065 Old Grove Road San Diego, CA 92131
858-527-1860 ext. 4030 or ivatconf@alliant.edu

Save The Dates Flyer
Conference Program Booklet
Registration Information
Call for Submissions
Call for Posters Online Submission
Schedule at a Glance
Accommondation Information
Volunteer Opportunities
Sponsorship Opportunities
Collaborator Agreement
Exhibitor/Advertisement Application Volunteer Packet

http://www.ivatcenters.org/Conferences.htm

Preventing Abuse Conference

2009-08-17T14:08:00.000-04:00

The 7^th Preventing Abuse conference, Helping Protect Women, Children, Families and the Nation from Human Trafficking, Child Abduction, Pornography and Internet Predators, will be held September 11–13, 2009 at the Irvine Hilton in CA. www.preventingabuse.org (866) 454-1776. Noreen Gosch will be a speaker.

For more information about this conference please go here: http://www.preventingabuse.org/about.html

Conference Overview

1. Geographic Focus

2. Impact on America

3. Examples of Areas Affected by Human Trafficking/Abduction of Women and Children.

Health care costs
Society and social values
Economic costs and impact on
Legal--resource drain, etc.
Social services and more
Victim, and Victim's Family
National Security

4. The Demand:

Areas to be addressed relating to the demand:

Demographics of the customers and the perpetrators
What is the fuel of the kidnap and trafficking problem?
What role does the popular culture have?
How the entertainment industry can assist?
What role does pornography (hard-core and "soft-core") play?
The role terrorism.
The impact of the Internet.

5. Legislative

6. Law Enforcement

7. Child Abduction Prevention:

8. Rescue and Recovery

9. The Reality of the Problem: The Responsibility to Act.

SCARED TO LEAVE AFRAID TO STAY

2009-08-17T13:25:00.000-04:00

BARRY GOLDSTEIN, attorney, teacher, author and advocate for women abused by their partner (and too often the courts) has written a book for women seeking to leave their abusers and for their friends, family, supporters and advocates. SCARED TO LEAVE AFRAID TO STAY Paths From Family Violence to Safety tells the story of ten women as they left their abusers seeking a better life. The book shows in these abuse cases how courts handle legal issues such as orders of protection, custody, visitation, support, marital property and criminal prosecutions. It tells about the resources available for women seeking to leave their abuser. Click the links to learn more about the book, author or to view frequently asked questions (FAQs). The book is published by Robert D. Reed Publishers and is available at book stores online and off.

Website with more info: BARRY GOLDSTEIN, J.D. Author of SCARED TO LEAVE AFRAID TO STAY

Poems by an abuse victim

2009-08-17T01:31:00.000-04:00

A client of the Mid Central Community Action, Inc., Countering Domestic Violence program wrote three poems at three different times about her experiences. She included this message:
"I had always thought that I ws the type of person that would never enter into an abusive relationship. However, when I finally met someone who seemed to be the 'man of my dreams', I threw all caution aside and committed myself fully to this man.
Things seemed perfect for a while, but after several months he began to show little regard for my feelings. Initially, his emotional abuse was so subtle that I didn't even recognize what he was doing to me. However, whey my self-esteem reached an all time low, I recognized that it was time to get out.
That is when his abuse became physical. In addition to the physical blows, he began to terrorize me to the point that I truly believed that he was going to kill me. I finally decided to reach out for help.
My advocate at the Countering Domestic Violence was invaluable in helping me to understand that I needed an Order of Protection. However, little did I realize that getting out of the relationship was just the beginning of my journey.
Over the next few months, I became increasingly depressed. Even though I was utilizing the counseling services provided by the CDV and reading every book I could on domestic violence, I felt as if I would never heal from the emotional damage he had caused.
This is when I wrote the victim poem. When I read it to my advocate with Victim Services, she reminded me that I was more than a victim, that I was also a survivor. It was her words to me that inspired the second poem a couple of weeks later.
Thus began a turning point where I began to leave him behind and to work on getting myself better. The final poem was just recently written while I was preparing my story for this article and I realized that the two poems didn't tell the complete story. After many months of work, I finally feel that I have become well again. I believe that writing these poems has really helped me to assess and process the many emotions and issues I have had to deal with. I am certain that expressing this artistically is one of the catalysts that accelerated my healing.
Yet, none of this was done alone. Not only did I receive the support one would expect from friends and family, but it has been the kindness and generosity of those people who work with domestic violence victims within our community that has given me strength to see this through abnd renewed my faith that there are many loving, deecent people in this world."
Poem 1: 'What It Means To Be A Victim
I am the beast
Which you have lain upon the alter
An offering to an angry God
I am the one
Chosen for purity's sake
Whose throat will be slit
As my blood spills out
Ask yourself
Have you come closer to God?
Is God now happy?
As my blood runs down the street
Ask yourself
Can we now find peace?
Or must we come back to this alter?
Again and again
I am the one
That sacrificial beast
Poem 2: 'What It means To be A Survivor'
I have outlived
I have outlasted
I have remained alive
I am still here
As the waters recede
As the flames diminish
As the tremors subside
I am still here
Above the fray
Above all else
To rise like a phoenix
Above and beyond
Beyond belief
Beyond understanding
Beyond a reasonable doubt
Beyond your reach
I am still here
I have outlived
I have outlasted
I have remained alive
Poem 3: 'What It Means To Heal'
Hello
I'm back
Again
From that secret place
Curled up
Afraid
No terrified
Hidden in the dark
Watching
Waiting
Wondering
Will I ever be safe?
Shhhhh!
Don't breathe
Not a sound
Don't let him hear you
Just the pounding of my heart
Beat by beat
Pumping
Life
Slowly
The rhythm
Brings forth a song
Music
Oh, I want to dance
To sing
To move
These numb limbs of mine
I stir
I stretch
Release
Breathe
Tingling
I begin to move
To sway
To lift up my voice
What beauty
Is that really me?
Singing
Laughing
Unabashed
Uninhibited
Unafraid
So unlike before
So I dance
I sing
I love
Back again
08/06/09
Dedicated to Betsy

Original: Poems by local abuse victim

Le Chrysalis

The disturbing reason why a growing number of parents are being falsely accused of shaking their babies to death

Life Skills: Finding a Place to Live

Life Skills: Deposit and Turning on Utilities

Life Skills: Furnishing on a Budget

Google Reader

Using Gmail

Mobile Tweeting, Give It a Try

Twitter Crash Course

Blogging Anonymously

To Blog or Not to Blog, That is the Question...

DV Hotline Numbers by Country

Domestic Violence Resources

Stalking Resources

Sexual Abuse/Assault Resources

Dating Abuse Resources

Child Abuse Resources

Life Skills: Transportation

They date, they abuse, they text, they kill: Messages a new silent weapon

The Leadership Council - 8 Myths About Child Sexual Abuse

Myth 1: Normal-appearing, well educated, middle-class people don't molest children.

Myth 2: People are too quick to believe an abuser is guilty, even if there is no supporting evidence.

Myth 3: Child molesters molest indiscriminately.

Myth 4: Children who are being abused would immediately tell their parents.

Myth 5: Children who are being abused will show physical evidence of abuse.

Myth 7: If asked about abuse, children tend to exaggerate and are prone to making false accusations.

Myth 8: By using repeated interviews, therapists or police can easily implant false memories and cause false accusations among children of any age.

Royal couple William and Kate take stand against bullying with nonprofit

What does the Bible say about Domestic Violence?

Scripture References Related to Abuse

Scripture References Related to Abuse

What Should Victims of Abuse Do?

Biblical Homes – No Abuse or Violence

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Domestic violence part of slaying suspect’s past

Community hero takes her life back

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by Suzanne Rose

Created on: April 24, 2011

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Abuser wanted for Murder of his Wife

A National Child Custody Crisis: Why are Moms Punished in Court?

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10 Myths About Domestic Violence

10 Myths About Domestic Violence

1. Only women are victims of domestic violence.

Between 2001 and 2005, 22% of all reports regarding nonfatal violence cited females over the age of 12 as the victims and...

Knight in Tarnished Armor

Out of the Chaos of DV, is Born a New Family...

Adoption Day in Montgomery Co. Court

Two dozen families officially unite

Mo. man suspected in Kansas killing of wife, kids

DV ends in adoption

ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?

Have a Happy and SAFE Thanksgiving Season

What is the Second Chance Fund?

A story of hopeful love, turned to violence and murder

A story of hopeful love, turned to violence and murder

Domestic Violence is a pattern of behavior...

Domestic Violence is a pattern of behavior...

Leader's son will be first to face FLDS sex assault trial

First FLDS sex assault trial starts on Monday

Polygamist sect leader's son is accused of having sex with minors

By TERRI LANGFORD HOUSTON CHRONICLE

Oct. 24, 2009, 8:16AM

DPS

Sex with minor girls?

Reporting for jury duty

Strangulation attacks now carry year in jail

Tapping cell phones | Spyware | Mobile Phones | Spy Software - WTHR |

Tapping your cell phone

Protecting your cell phone

Cell phones and privacy protection

Abuse of moms may stunt kid's growth | Health | Reuters

Domestic Violence Survivor Claudine Dombrowski Speaks Openly

By TERRI LANGFORD
HOUSTON CHRONICLE

September 16, 2009
by The New Agenda closeAuthor: The New Agenda Name: agenda
Email: editor@thenewagenda.net
Site: http://thenewagenda.net
About: See Authors Posts (225)

September 21- 26, 2009
Town and Country Resort & Convention Center
San Diego, CA